This time last year and Merry Christmas!

So as I get on Blog world and read through peoples adoption blogs and posts I find myself becoming well somewhat Jekyll and Hyde. On one side I find myself being super happy and 'heart warmed' by others and their easy transition, and journey. On the other hand I want to give up. I want to shut down the blogging thing and move on. Why you may ask yourself? Well for starters: I have been super real on my blog and to me super real means the good(sometimes awesome!) the Bad and the down right ugly. So what does this get me? Well lets just say as I peruse(is this a word) other blogs you know the happy go lucky ....Glass half full and if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all...Yeah those blogs I look at them and see tons of responses. Everyone wants a happy story...Especially those who have not brought their little peanuts home. They want to read how the experience is awesome and the babies/kids are perfect. I remember before we brought Liam home if I read anything that was slightly glass half empty I would always shake my head pity the person and say "that won't be us." We know what to expect we have one kiddo already this will be cake. HA HA! What I didn't expect was how unprepared I truly was. I was unprepared to want personal space. I love how on one persons blog (who was shooting straight and I love it!) she said she was caught off guard when the child cried and she felt this sense of "where is this child's mother." It put into words something I really felt. There were so many times when Liam first cried or was super sick that I felt so distant from him because I didn't know how to make it better. I needed someone to tell me how to help him/comfort him. I felt responsible for causing any sadness/discomfort. I was taking him away from everything familiar. It did get better. I guess this has all been on my mind because I can't stop thinking about this time last year. Where we were emotionally, physically, spiritually. Man I/we were in such a different place. So here it is. You can follow all the blogs that are happy and perfect(I pray this is your experience I really really do). But just in case things blindside you like they did me...Just in case you are a little caught off guard I wanted to give you a little Christmas gift....It comes in the form of comfort and peace...and maybe a little story to go with it(you know me and my unbelievably long posts:) There were times when I would rock Liam to sleep and cry. Yes Cry. Cry and beg God that tomorrow would be different. I would pray that we could have just one day ONE DAY without his screaming. One day without me being frustrated, overwhelmed and feeling like a failure. I would often kiss my sleeping boy and lay him in his bed and then literally call out to God to not let Satan have a foot hold, to not leave me alone when I was struggling so hard with inadequacies. To not kick me once again while I was down. I was so lost and felt so alone. Liam and Wesley bring me the greatest joy and the greatest heart ache. My heart hurts as I learn to be a parent and accept my failures. I pray continually that God is sufficient in my weakness. I hold myself to a standard of perfection for those two boys because I love them so much I want to be the Mom I believe they deserve. Thus leading to my post adoption depression. I needed to just be. I needed to just be still and know that God was God. That I was specifically picked to be Liam's mother and Wesley's mother. Out of all the women in the universe God picked me to be their mother. Not just because of my good attributes but also my weaknesses. God knew my weakness and he knew his glory would shine through.(Thank you Lord for the Holy Spirit). Honestly sometimes I would call out to God and ask him where he was. Why this was so hard and such a challenge. In the end I see pieces of how God has moved and worked during that time. One big way is he brought people into my life who were needing encouragement post adoption. I also see how strong he grew Aaron and I. I had to rely on Aaron. I had to trust him and count on him. Aaron knew he I needed him and he did not let me down. I Love my husband so much and I see God was using this experience to bless us with a priceless gift. Aaron and I have always been best friends but we truly became soul mates. I didn't know where he began and I ended. I always felt so competent with one and then bam there were two and I needed Aaron. It was such a humbling place but an awesome place. To some degree I do think God has a sense of humor because before we brought Liam home I prayed and prayed that Liam would be like me(specifically one who loves sleep:) Wes is so much like his Daddy SOOO much like his daddy. I wanted a little person like me. I laugh now because Boy God could not have pegged me any better. It actually often makes Aaron and I laugh just how similar liam and I are. Well anyway this journey has been long and Hard and continues to be a challenge. But as I was rocking my littlest man to sleep (just a few weeks ago) I was thinking about all the different people who are just arriving home or who have arrived home in the last year and reflecting on how simple it has seemed for so many. I felt my breath catch as I looked down at Liam and realized I wouldn't want to do it any differently if it meant not having Liam. I want to go through his screaming/screeching/anger/aggressive/wreck less/loving/snuggling/funny/singing/blessing all over again because it is with my boy. So to those of you who have traveled a more difficult journey as I sit here a few weeks past 1 year, things are totally different (and totally the same in many ways). In many ways Liam is still the same and we still have the same battles...But I know him. I know him and he is mine. I feel adequate to comfort him. I am balancing both of my children. It is difficult when they pick same time, same day to attack but I feel more prepared..WE are here we have been here for awhile(I just felt to intimidated to write the post). We are in the place that I would sit and ponder as I would rock Liam during those first six months home. We are here. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you. But seeing as how my blog very much has become my "journal of this journey," Just thought I would throw it out there. I pray you have a merry and peaceful Christmas. May God bless you and keep you, may he make his face shine upon you and give you His PEACE. Lots of love Bethany

1 year ago tomorrow

Moses William Franklin Rye

'Liam'

Some picks I took in the fall

I thought these desserved their own picture

These are totally out of order but us decorating the tree. Last year he was asleep! First Halloween

First time in the bounce house. You want nothing to do with it:)

Dressed for snow

Playing the guitar with Daddy. You love music and man have you got rythem We think you will be a drummer though:)

First time at the pumpkin patch!

17mo. bye bye babba:(

This was you after winning the beautiful baby contest at the fair. You look says you knew you had it in the bag!

First time in a KC 135

First time in super man pj's. Your look tells it all!

That is right 1 year ago tomorrow I held for the first time my precious 2nd born. We have come so far from that first day. Words can't even describe all of the thoughts and feelings I have about this little boy and our journey together.

There have been some bumps and some really really hard times but these moments are still so priceless to me as they are moments I had with Liam. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Ughh I am having the hardest time gathering my thoughts on what to say: or at least where to start. To I take you all back on the journey and bring you forward to where we are know? Or do I just keep it short and sweet and show you some awesome pictures. Or do I do typical blogger fashion and write the 12 things we have love about our Liam in the 12 months he has been home with us? Hmmm.

I think I will start with the first option, throw in some of the second and maybe round it off with the third. sounds ambitious we shall see....

12 months ago today...(me pretending it's tomorrow:) We were walking the gravel road to Liam. I was so nervous I could throw up. I mean I specifically remember being so nervous I thought I would throw up. Anyways as we walked I was praying. Praying I wouldn't throw up(of course) but also praying for our meeting with him. Praying it would be special and momentous, praying it would be the typical "video scenario" I had seen on some many blogs pre-travel of those who had walked in my shoes. Watching their beautiful videos with the perfect sweet music playing in the back ground etc. I imagine my own video and what it would look like as we scooped up our precious boy. I then prayed that they would hand him to me and that I wouldn't be required out of sea of children to pick him out according to the referral pics I had seen. My last prayer was that he would smell good. I am such a sniffer. Seriously it is a genetic trait I inherited from my Dad. We sniff everything sentimental. I sniff my kids heads, I sniff my husband, I sniff my son's bear (it smell like him and a little bit like drool). So I prayed he would have a good smell.

As they opened the doors to our large 8 couple travel group I remember feeling this sense of urgency. Kind of like the feeling you get on Black Friday when they open the doors at 5a.m. Anyway as we stepped in it was like walking into the secret Garden (after the main character fixed it up of course) or maybe munchkin land after watching the first 20 minutes of the wizard of oz in black and white. It was beautiful happy and cheerful. Within 5 seconds of walking in the door one family was bombarded with their two little ones. 18mo and almost 4. Okay so the 4 year old was excited the 18mo took a little warming up. I still tear up when I remember the sweet 4 year old gripping her new daddy's neck. Ughhh precious! A few seconds one of my "sisters" me her little princess and Liam's future wife. We were snapping pictures right and left each one of us seemingly being caught off guard as our children were being handed to us. Let's just say it was not the slow motion gotcha video I had imagined. As we took pictures Almaz came over to us and said Liam is right over here laying on a blanket in the sun. I was excited and mortified. Would I have to pick him out? What if I didn't pick right. Well as we made our way he was the only little sweet pea laying on the blanket by himself. I swear looking back now he was probably in time out for being so loud (no HH does not do time outs, and they do not do them with the babies esp. I am just being funny). Anyway I scooped him and took a sniff...wheewwh my poor sweet pea was having tummy trouble with the formula switch they had to do because of the formula shortage. His little system did not take the switch well. After we snapped some quick pics we went upstairs so that we could change him(it had leaked out everywhere EVERYWHERE). We brought him up to the changing station and proceeded to change and clean him. We also witnessed the worst diaper rash we have ever seen and of course it made Liam cry... I was so nervous.

We left the babies for a short bit to eat and shop and returned to pick the little ones up. My nightmare came true as it was 7:00 p.m. and the babies were still sleeping (yes late evening nap) We were supposed to go pick them up. Hmmm which one is my baby. I went in room after room and couldn't find him. I finally found one baby laying in the girls nursery wearing a santa suite that looked just like Liam. But I was in the girls nursery. Was this the right baby? A few of my "sisters" who had also met Liam that morning and seen referral photos of Liam (who had by the way managed to find their children with out a problem) came in to help me id him. They thought it was him but we were all baffled by the boy in a girls nursery. Well long story short When Liam arrived at HH they didn't have any boy cribs open so he was put in with the Ladies. He was in there just stayin strong (I do think this has added to his drama later in life:)

Well I am not an instructions kind of person. I usually open a box of something that needs to be assembled and start working on it. Directions are on an as need basis. Never in my life have I ever ever wanted directions or an instruction manual more then I did when we picked Liam up. We went back and changed him (out of the santa suite he was in...to funny) ate some dinner and put him down. He went right to sleep without a peep. We thought wow this was easy. We were exhausted and so we laid down to. The second our heads hit the pillow we were out. Then (15min later) Liam starts scream choking. I kid you not. Right now try it with me, cough and as you cough try and let out a high pitch horrifying scream. Yeah that is what we heard. I burst into tears after grabbing Liam and making sure he was still alive. Aaron's knee jerk reaction was to run across the room. It really scared us. Fortunately We traveled with a couple who happen to be ER nurses (awesome) the wife happens to be one of my "sisters." So I felt a little more comfortable knocking on their door at 11:00. We were told that was probably just Liam clearing his throat. Excuse me? Do you me that was Liam impersonating a dying, suffering animal? That was not a normal cough. Well he coughed like that pretty much our entire trip and we got used to him sounding like each cough was his last (I told you he was dramatic).

We did not sleep well the whole time we were there. During the week Aaron only had tummy issues for about 24 hrs. I had anxious tummy the whole time and by Wed. came down with what would turn out to be a horrible resp. infection. Aside from all that We loved the beautiful and kind people, We loved being immersed in the culture. After Wed. night when we got to go to the Ethiopian restaurant I was ready to stay longer. Our trip home was uneventful except my eardrum burst but that happened on the flight from D.C. to Saint Louis.

Once home our lives with Liam have been nothing short of exciting. Liam is a challenge and a blessing. Sometimes I found when I would read other peoples blogs who would brag of easy transitions and Happy all the time children I would get sad. I felt like I had failed to make our time perfect, I failed to transition him perfectly. Well first of all I would go through everything again if it meant Liam would be mine. I do grieve the easiness people describe in their blogs but at the same time our adjustment has been real. I am an analytical person and even Liam was all smiles all the time I would have analyzed his attachment to be poor or reactive or traumatic. At least I knew that Liam was having a hard time. Not with us but with the adjustment, his poor little 6mo. body had gone through so much. Everything Liam was used to EVERYTHING was no more. From the type of diapers, to formula to clothing, smells, weather, sunshine(gone we came home in winter), bed blankets, care givers, soap bath tub, lighting, heating, toys, noises (no more hearing his friends). Everything. Looking back now I see this. At the time it was really hard not to take it personal.

I have some thoughts on people's naivety towards attachment versus bonding versus traumatic attachment etc. I will not use Liam's one year post to write about it.

Anyways we love love love our family we love our little boys and we are so happy to be on this side of the fence of one of the most exciting journey's of our lives!

12 things we have learned/love about Liam

1. You are extremely happy our extremely sad. You are so dramatic. You could not have been genetically configured to be more like your momma in personality then you are. You are my mini me (in brown:) I love it.

2. You have the most contagious belly laugh and you laugh easily.

3. You throw fits about the funniest things it makes us laugh which often starts a round of giggles from you.

4. Your baby noises/ baby babble is hilarious. some type of noise has to be coming out of your body at all times.

5. You are a smart boy. You are very good at following directions.

6. You are also clever and know how to not follow directions:)

7. The way you say your words with your tongue out...your goofy

8. They way you eat anything and everything all the time.

9. They way you love your big brother. You really love him and he really loves you!

10. You love to sleep. You are an excellent sleeper. Again a boy after Momma's heart.

11. Your cheesy smile you make when you are being naughty. Unfortunately it does usually get you out of trouble.

12. The way we have all learned each other. The way that we fell in love with you. The way that we can't remember life without our Liam. The way you are and always will be our little brown bear.

Liam before the creation of the world you were our son. There is not one day of your life that went by that we weren't thinking and praying for you. You are so loved my sweet pea and we treasure you!

Budgets

So I know I have been asking a lot from readers lately. Christmas questions,venting about people using the word orphan, and opinions about schooling may birthday boys...I think I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. It all started when Aaron and I started talking about baby #3. We started talking a lot about bio trying and adoption. We also have been looking at and talking about purchasing a new vehicle(I love our Sienna). Wesley was also getting our attention with his star (or lack of stars) chart. Bringing to our attention the need to wait a little longer for kindergarten. As we have been hitting all of these different cross roads there has been much conversations about choices and how are we going to choose to do things as a family. It sounds silly especially since we have been married for 7 1/2 years and have 2 kids. But I feel like we kind of have always went with what was familier. What our families did in the past and what made up our different cultures. This has always been fine especially since Aaron and I both come from wonderful families and parents who did a great job. As the boys have gotten older we see more and more that we don't fit the mold of our previous cultures and it is time to be creating our own.

What does this mean? well it means figuring out schools, vehicle purchases and even new holiday traditions. It means contemplating what our family can do that brings God the most Glory. It means relying on God to direct us in the path he wants to see us go.

Wow all that to start talking about budgets...It's funny I read back through what I wrote and it actually has nothing to do with what I am about to write about. As a matter of fact I feel like I should erase it except for the fact it would then become time I wasted writing it.

Oh I remember...I am asking a lot from my readers. Well I am going to do it again. I want your budget tips! Whether it is grocery saving ideas or coupon sights to making clothes last or how to make your dog food. I love that recently a family posted a way to make your own laundry soap. Aaron and I are going to totally do this. Once I figure out how to link a sight and I ask their permission I will connect them with this post. Genius! Plus I think they said it ends up costing about .01 per load. YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT! So send me your tips...

I felt really convicted about my spending tonight after watching some documentary on large families. One family had 15 children. The family income...just under....$40,000. Excuse me. If a family of 17 can live on that income then excuse me but Aaron and I should be with some money to save.

Now I am assuming they don't use cel phones..or do they? Any way Aaron and I have committed that once our contract is up in Feb. We are decreasing our plan Way way down. I have such a pet peve when people say they "need" a cell phone. I we are all still alive coming from a generation that didn't have cell phones at all. Not my area of weakness but believe me it is probably my only area of will power.

Internet well I am guessing they have internet and well I feel like with Aaron being a pilot and checking the wheather and filing flight plans it makes his life a whole lot easier. Do we "need" it? no. Is it a luxery we are willing to sacrifice for? Yes.

Satelight: we actually have down sized our satelight from $45 a month to $10. How did we do it? Well we called to cancel our package. When Aaron called to cancel the lady pretty much begged him to continue. He continued to say we were not interested and well when it was all said and done she offered us satelight for $10 a month for a year. He said okay. I don't blame him. Sad thing is we pretty much lost all man channels and I have all awesome channels like HGTV and TLC.

Now on to my part of the budget and the area we blow out of the water everymonth. You know the weakness I was talking about earlier. Grocery shopping, household item buying, gifts, and oh the ever famous...Justification purchases. You know the ones. You're standing on the aisle at Walmart. You have just discovered that they have Little boy Pajamas on clearance $5 instead of the regular $9 price. Then you notice that not only are they on sale but low and behold they are adorned with star wars characters and they still have one 4t left. Yes isn't this providential, I mean what are the chances of Walmart having a sale and having a 4t (insert sarcastic sigh). Does Wesley need new pajamas? No. Should the discussion stop there? Yes. He doesn't need them. It should stop there. Unfortunately it doesn't. No no my friends it is just beginning. He may not need them but he would LOVE them. Oh and if he had some new ones we could get rid of one of his old pj's. Or we could get these and have another pair because it always seems like he never has any clean. Well really folks the truth is 3 warm pj's is probably all he needs. We own a washer and dryer. Yep we do. It's just right down stairs. All I would have to do is use them. All this to say if I can ask myself does he NEED them and the answer is no the justifications shouldn't matter. Actually I should tell myself that if the justifications start it should be confirmation that I must be trying to justify a purchase that doesn't need to happen.

So anyways back to the point of this post that should not have been written 1 1/2 hours after my bed time. (I apologize for the rambling). I am putting myself on a budget. $650 a month. $300 of that is our food budget and $350 is everything else(Not actual bills). Those are Aaron's jurisdiction. This means in that I have to buy Christmas, household items, clothes, haircuts, shoes, dates, babysitters, misc. gifts, Etc. It seems like enough but I am wondering if it is going to be harder then I thought.

So send me your money saving tips. PLEASE!!!

true meaning of Christmas how to start new traditions?

Grrr! It is that time of year again you know peace, joy happiness, budget issues. Ever since we had Wesley I find myself giving so much thought to the concept of the "true meaning" of Christmas. I didn't mean to put "true Meaning" in quotes as if it wasn't "true" I just used them for emphasis. Sorry for the verbal diarrhea. ANYWAY. I really struggle with what Christmas is becoming and maybe always has been. I remember as a child looking forward to Christmas. It truly is a magical time of year. Even though we didn't believe in (shield your children's eyes...) Santa I still would lay in bed at night wishing more than anything that he really was real and that something truly magical and bigger then my everyday world happened on that one special night. Looking back I realize that what made it truly special for me was that my Dad took off work. For the whole Christmas Holiday through to New Years he was home. To top it off he wasn't just "home" he was present. We would play games, go sledding, work on the family Christmas puzzle, go to the movies, and well just be...together...as a family. But one thing that sticks out in my mind is the disappointment I would feel wash over me on Christmas morning after all of the presents had been opened. I was disappointed because I didn't get what I wanted. I was just disappointed because a day I had built up with so much anticipation was over in just 30 short minutes. Pondering this on top of the "true Meaning of Christmas" has left me contemplating the Irony...the worldly Holiday leaves us with such a feeling of Sadness and emptiness where as the true meaning which gets lost and tossed out with the old wrapping paper, leaves us with lasting hope. Christmas morning is a symbol of hope and hope for better things yet to come. Christmas is the morning where things are just started to get exciting not reaching the excitement peak and plummeting before the breakfast casserole has even been consumed. This is where you come in.... I really want to start some traditions with Wesley and Liam that leaves them truly understanding the hope that begins on Christmas morning with gifts being a side note. (just wishful thinking?) I also want them to get to experience the joy and the magical time of year..Can they have both? I was thinking about us moving gift opening to New years morning, or a few days after Christmas. Another idea I had was to have Liam and Wes get only three gifts, just as the wise men brought Jesus(I know years later but we can pretend Jesus was 3 and it was on Christmas morning right?) I need some ideas...christmas is just around the corner:)

Venting read at your own risk

So there has been something on my mind for weeks well months actually and I have put it into my mind blog...(you know the one where you articulate everything as if blogging but yet it never makes it out of your brain...). I have put off blogging about it because actually I just don't know how people are going to take it. I mean I am genuinely nervous. I know that a large population of my blog readers are fellow adoptive parents. The truth is I have decided to blog about it because if anything I want to be educated on other people's opinions. I am very head strong but I am also very interested in a good discussion and if articulated well enough I may change my perspective....May....well we'll see... The controversial topic.... Orphans. I really struggle with this word being thrown around by adoptive parents as if it were,hmm a hair color, or maybe a "condition" that the child is cured from. I struggle with this word for a couple of reasons. 1. It is a label. I agree that there are some children who are "orphans" and age out of orphanages or out of the foster system without ever having a family to call their own. I do feel that this word does describe their family status. I believe that scripture calls us to care for the orphan...Again I feel this is used to talk about the child who remains family less. I do not like this label being used for my son or any child who is adopted. I will explain myself in a minute. 2. I struggle with this word because I feel like it puts the child in a neg. position that you as the adoptive parent comes in with the upper hand. You "rescued" a child. Well isn't your child lucky? Yeah that sounds totally snotty so please forgive me. But I have a very hard time with people who see Liam and they say "is he adopted?" I say "yes." They say "where from." I say "Ethiopia." Then here it comes "oh isn't he lucky," He is so blessed." I feel my blood boil. I am just as lucky as he is. I am just as lucky that he is mine as he is lucky that I am his. I am not more of a person because I live here and was able to provide a better life. He is not less of a person or less lucky because he started out life more difficult. That is a true and genuine and very priceless part of his story. NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. 3. I also hate it because people throw it around so casually. "Oh he was an orphan." I even read one time that someone wanted to adopt a "full orphan." It still makes me sick. What did the child have to go through in order to be a "full orphan." Besides that it cheapens the need that every child has for a home. Whether a child has no living parents or 2, if they are not with their parents they need a home and a family. They need it just as bad. Whether a child is in foster care or "orphan care" these kids need families and families need these kids. It also boils my blood a little this particular label because I feel like parents are deterred from adopting domestically because there are "orphans" in other countries who need a family more. Excuse me where is this orphan rating chart? I want to know what Liam qualified as.... Well this brings me to my last thought. I can tell you what Liam qualified as. He qualified as a child of God and a child of mine. Before the beginning of time. Yes before the beginning of the human race God predestined Liam to be my son. So although he was born in another country, conceived by a man and woman, we will never know, He was my son. So although we went through an adoption to bring him home we were not "rescuing" an orphan. We weren't doing an act of mercy, we were bringing home our son through the labor pains of adoption. In our home Liam has never been and will never be considered an orphan. He always had a family. Any family that we have encouraged to adopt it has been with the understanding that they are not doing it to "rescue" children. Or show an act of "mercy." These are children these families are bringing home to hold a place of birth right just as any biological (don't like this label either) holds. God loved us so much as adopted sons and daughters that he was willing to sacrifice his son. Then does he continue to refer to us a orphans? No! He calls us his own. Okay I got it out. I understand there could be some opinions about this topic and I am all for hearing them. This is such a big part of Liam's story I don't want to just skip over something valuable. Please leave your feedback. Tastefully of course. Of course this time I was smart and if you chose not to be tasteful well I just won't post your comment....Hehehe

Being a stay at home mom is a working mom...

I was pondering the joys of staying at home... Waking up every morning not to an alarm that I hit snooze but to a little person crawling in my bed to snuggle, or to tell me he has a huge booger(oh and there is no snooze button). Rolling sleepily out of bed and being asked 100 times (before my feet have even hit the floor) If I want to play...my response is usually, "hey bud let momma at least go to the bathroom." Within 15 seconds of using said toilet I hear the happy giggles of my second Boss beckoning me to come attend to his schedule(said as sheduuuelll). Usually after greeting my second Boss my nose is greeted not by morning coffee breath, as some may have to deal with, but the smell of a different project that took place in a more southern region of the body. As my second Boss is being "cleaned" my first Boss is bounding down the stairs wondering where his vitamins are, asking yet again if we can play, and demanding to see exactly what the second Boss has done in his pants, involving a thorough sight and smell analysis. After the two employers seem relatively hungry we head to our employee "cafeteria." It is here that I am not only boss 1 and boss 2's #1 assistant but I am now full time cafeteria lady. boss 1 has a very difficult time staying on task of food and drink consumption and has insisted (through lack of ability on his own) that I stay on him to eat and drink a full breakfast. Boss 2 is very independent in the food and drink area but is very demanding that it comes in a timely manner. Food is often served to Boss 2 while he is so frantic he shakes his whole chair. Once food is before him his mood often lightens and he gives me a "good work my faithful servant type smile." Okay you get the idea. I just laugh sometimes when people say "what do you do?" I say "oh I stay home with the boys" they say "oh it must be nice not working..." I usually laugh at them with one of those crazy laughs that sound a bit like a hyena. You know the laugh the one where you find yourself going mad. Anyway I get what they mean (I think). Yes it is a blessing I wouldn't trade for the world getting to be a stay home mom with and for the 3 men in my life. Today was one of those mornings where I dropped Wesley off at pre-school and I looked around at the other 9 "stay at home" mom's dropping their kids off and I had to laugh.. What time do these women get up? Seriously? I was even up at 6:20 this morning which is a lot earlier then normal for me, I got in a shower before the boys were up, Yet I still dropped Wes off looking like I had just rolled out of bed. My hair half wet half dry, sweat pants and t-shirt, no make up. You know the women I am talking about and I know you are out there in blog land I have seen you in pictures. How do you do it. How do you look so put together and get places on time? You are my hero... I admire you from afar...well someday...or maybe just one day...one day in the future I will look put together...No one will admire me from afar...because everyone will be asking me what the special occasion is that I am so dressed up...You know pants, a shirt (that only has a little spit up or slobber on the sleeve), shoes not flip flops and yes completely dry hair. I won't blame them for asking...

Bye Bye Ba ba, kindergarden decisions, and other random thoughts

I swear I will add pictures one day! Because yes we do have a picture of our little man obliviously waving goodbye to his ba ba. It has gone well but now he acts just as neurotic about his sippy cups. So here is a question...I really need feedback. Wesley is a May boy. This means (supposedly in the world of school) that we have the hard decision of holding him back until he is a full 6 or starting him when he is 5 and will turn 6 at the end of the school year. This is a really difficult decision for me. Mostly I feel that right now and his pre school teachers have agreed that he academically can handle kindergarten at 5. Socially I am told he is doing well. I am just not so sure that his ability or readiness for kindergarten should dictate what will happen in 2,3,or 4th grade. Even if he is social and has friends I just don't know if his maturity is where it should be. For example: Wesley's class has a star chart, I think this system is fabulous for his class and his teacher to maintain order but I was sad to see that Wesley was one of 4 kids with the least amount of stars. Sure I did the whole "not my kid, it was the other kids fault", the teacher must not have been paying attention, etc. But after my split second moment of dreaming I realized that 9 times out of 10 the teacher tells me it is because he has a hard time following directions(there was that one time him and another boy were tackling ). I have started working with him at home, going over letters, having special read time, playing a game(during Liam's nap of course). I have found he really does have ants in his pants. He cannot sit still. He is very distracted. I am not talking about him needing to be medicated I am talking about him being a 4 year old little boy. Wesley's teacher this year is working really hard to prepare them for kindergarten next year. I am just wondering if he will have all his wiggles out! So I have a few thoughts. 1. Put him in kindergarten next year and see how it goes. 2. Ask the other may birthday boys what they are doing and follow suit so that if we hold our little men back at least he will still have peers from his class. 3. Put him in kindergarten at the christian school he is in now and put him in Kindergarten at the public school the next year. 4. Home school him. I love this idea purely from the stand point we can work at his pace. We can do Kindergarten or first grade work, with lots of breaks and recess to get out his wiggles. My only hesitation with #4 is that well...I actually have 2 hesitations. 1. I am an extrovert and a mom of little ones and I enjoy my few hours of either cleaning the house, going to bible study or running errands. My second hesitation is that I want to be sure we have enough social activities to keep him involved with kids his age. Can anyone throw out their ideas as far as what they did? Do you home school? Did you have a may boy? What are your thoughts.... Oh and one more thing we are considering a vehicle right now ...any thoughts on the Ford Flex versus the Toyota Sienna?

Our path starting out as 3 going to 4 and when to 5?

I am so shady I know. Hey at least I got you here! Well Aaron and I have prayed and prayed and prayed. Well let me rephrase that I have prayed and prayed and prayed. I know that Aaron has prayed about it but he doesn't obsess until a decision is made. He is a pray and wait kinda guy. Boy can that guy wait. He is awesome with patience. I am totally the opposite. Waiting is not my gift AT ALL! My true colors have been shining so brightly as I work on our home improvement projects. I will ask Aaron to help me with something and if he hasn't helped in like 3.5 sec. I huff and nudge him out of the way to do it myself. It's scary. Needless to say We have picked individual projects to work on it seems to be going much smoother.

Sorry side note....

Reason for the post: what have we decided?

Drum roll please........

We have decided to WAIT...HA!

You aren't going to believe this but it was my decision. I know hard to believe. Seriously though I prayed and prayed and prayed about which direction we should go. I had a talk with AGCI we were strongly praying about and considering Rwanda. I feel so passionately about this program and felt we were supposed to start. As of Friday after our talk with AGCI this was the direction we were headed. I still didn't feel peace. Aaron had to go out of town this weekend and I had the boys to myself. I always enjoy this time because it really does mean undivided attention for the little men in my life. I felt God's direction on Sunday. I had a great time of sorting and processing and being able to bounce ideas around, here are some of my revelations...

1. Our big struggle when bringing Liam home was that we had 2 kids to divide our time. Liam needing to take priority as he was new, yet Wesley not understanding mommy not being available. Trying to balance Liam being acclimated and Wesley not feeling replaced.

2.With #1 said this means we would go through this with Liam.

There are some things you need to understand about our little man. He is so precious and quite a snuggler, but he is also very high maintenance and demanding. He wants to be the center of attention ALL THE TIME! I realized We only brought Liam home 10 months ago. True he is 16 months but really he has only been a part of our lives for 10 months. If he was a 10 month old we wouldn't even be considering baby #3.

Right now Liam is our baby. He has every right to be our baby for longer time. He needs to be the one with more attention. He needs to take priority even still. I am not ready to push him out of the baby position and I can tell He in no way is ready or willing to give it up. I want to be free to baby my baby longer!

This is all considerations for our own family. Each child is different. I was just concerned with the Rwanda program going potentially very quickly or 9mo. of pregnancy well let's just say I am not ready. I think things may have been different if Liam came first. He would have had Mommy and Daddy all to himself for those 10mo. But because he has shared us from day 1 we just want to give him more time as the baby.

Oh and We also decided that with him being a future middle child it's nice to let him have a little more time to have a unique and special position. Meaning if we adopted we were told we couldn't specify under 6 mo, which would leave a great potential for Liam to be sharing his birth year or position with another child. We were told he would be 9 months different then the new one. We wanted Liam to have his own age own grade in school etc.

Again this was just our conclusion, it may change in a few months but I am not in a hurry to decide anymore and I feel so much peace and contentment in the stage of life we are in.

Just loving life, being a wife, and a Mom to 2 of the sweetest, busiest, craziest, most loving boys in the universe(ya I said universe!)

Where is God leading us?

I believe wholeheartedly that God created us choosing beings. I believe that there are some choices that we make in life that are not wrong or right they are just well a choice and as long as we involve God in the decision he will do what he promises and direct our path. Other times I believe that there is a specific path he wants us to journey down and we need to wait and see his direction. Here I sit totally humbled and looking for answers. I am wondering which path God is directing us to chose...

I feel humbled because I know that God is the author of all things and although we chose one path it may not be the one God blesses us to move forward on.

So what in the world am I talking about? Well I am talking about growing our family. When I was younger my sisters and I and our friends would play house. After the beautiful wedding (complete with fake flowers and a real but poor fitting wedding dress) the babies would come. As my sisters and our friends would often put pillows in their shirt and walk around for half the game "pregnant." I would always be on some adventure and during my adventure I would "discover" a baby in the other room. I never had the pillow in the shirt my baby was always found. To top things off my baby doll was very dark complected (just an ironic side note?). As soon as Aaron and I got married I wanted to adopt. You can imagine my surprise (and sheer joy) when I discovered I was pregnant. I then proceeded to have the fairest complected child known to man:). As Wesley got older my desire for adoption grew once again.

When Aaron and I brought Liam home things were really difficult. I really struggled with being a mom of 2. During those first initial months I knew and even looking back I know my struggle was not with Liam being adopted it was going from 1-2 kids. I always felt like I was short changing one of my kids. I often felt torn between working on bonding with Liam and making sure Wesley was not ignored or feeling replaced. I struggled constantly with guilt. I often felt like nothing I did was good enough. In the end someone was left out.

As a result I had difficult time initially bonding with Liam. He seemed angry all the time and I was frustrated with myself for not knowing him perfectly. I assumed it was my job as his mom to know him perfectly and meet his needs perfectly and it was hard. I was trying to be a mom to 2 a wife, Learn my second son, remember my first son and not forget me. I was so deep in analyzing it all and trying not to fail that I was doing just that. FAILING. Looking back now I see just how right I was doing it. I get to see now that as I would hold a very angry baby, both of us crying, thinking I was torturing the poor soul, I was doing it right. I needed to hold him I needed to show him that I was best and that I would take care of him and he didn't have to fight me.

I only know this now because of how beautiful things are now. My sweet boy who used to be sooo angry and aggressive is now quite a sensitive little love bug. Liam cries when others cry, Liam gives kisses out like crazy, Liam needs a snuggle all the time. If you give the boy a stern look you have to know that big crocodile tears will follow. We may have not found this Liam if we hadn't by God's Grace been able to stick with it even when it felt sad and hard.

In the end I sit here wanting more than anything to adopt again. Call me crazy or call it the holy spirit but I want to start the adventure again. I love both my babies more than I can breath. I would give my life for them. Liam and Wesley feel like equal parts of my body and soul. To me whether we adopt or biologically have one either way we are growing our family. I feel so convicted about adoption right now.

My big question is where is God leading us to go? Even if we think bio. there is nothing to say we will be able to conceive. We assume we will be able to but I have no idea. If we chose to adopt where is the money coming from. We would need it rather quickly and I know God can do it. He did it in abundance the first time. Why do I think he can't do it again. I need answers, I need help, which way do we blindly walk forward?

no news

I am obsessed once again with checking my own e-mail. I call it self stalking. Weird I know but I am driving myself crazy. I literally get OCD about. Sad thing is when I don't find the e-mail I am waiting for I search the internet as if I am going to find it lost in cyber-space or hidden on someone's blog.

See I have this issue, (well I guess that's kind of obvious.) Seriously though the issue revolves around well adoption. I kind of consider it the "Taking of the pregnancy test." You know the gathering of more information. I never know if I have used the correct form of communication. Whether it be e-mailing or calling. If I pick one I try not to do the other. If I do both like e-mail first I try not to leave voice mail when calling. I guess I felt very urgent and like time would run out (the feeling we always get with this adoption stuff). Of course what i feel is pressing in the broad scheme of things is not and I know others have much more pressing questions but well there it is. A jumbling, rambling mess of well crap. I know this post makes no sense. Except for the fact that it is my right to vent. It is also my right to feel that my needs are urgent and to present them as so. I do need to realize that it is also my right to be put in my place when said needs are not as urgent as I think they must be. In the end more e-mail responses but still no information.

Sorry I really thought the second time would be different but I was wrong.

Oh and I know it sounds like we are for sure going the adoption rought but we aren't, like I said it was just a question.

Speaking of watching paint dry, you would think that the fact that I have our whole kitchen torn apart and am painting our cabinets (inside and out) that I would be distracted enough not to notice. Unfortunately I still get on the computer with my sawdust paint covered hands just to see no news...ahhhh!

Walking the road of adoption

I literally can't get this road out of my head. It is the road symbolizing a journey we began over 2 years ago. It is our road to adoption. When we talk about Liam we talk about his adoption in past tense. We say yes he was adopted but it was a one time thing. He is now and forever will be 100% our son. I was recently reading on another adoptive families blog a post about their love for their adopted son. They have no other children. When the Mom was describing her love for her son she said it was as strong as if he was biological. She then added she thought it was. I am here to tell you with one bio son and one adopted son, I love them both uniquely but equally. I say I love them uniquely because they both have such different personalities and qualities. I say equally because there is no end to the love I feel for either one. So for those of you with no frame of reference you can now confidentally say you know for a fact you love them just as much as a bio child.

Aaron and I talked about wanting to adopt more than once. After we brought Liam home I didn't know if I could do it again. I really thought my paper pregnancy and "waiting" labor was way worse than physically carrying a child, and let me tell you that didn't go so well either. Well Wesley is almost 4 1/2 years old and I still am nervous but more open to the idea of pregnancy. Liam on the other hand is 15 months and I can't wait literally can't wait to adopt again. So when can we get started? Well that's up to the old man. He wants to adopt again but isn't sure if both adopted kiddos should be smashed in the middle. He knows I am a middle child and well after seeing how I turned out he doesn't want to put them at a greater dissadvantage by both being middle children:). I on the other hand am not so sure it will be like that:) But I am willing to wait for God to stir the heart of my husband in the direction we should go.

Will we be walking the road above for baby # 3? Or will we be trying for this?

My sleeper

Remember my post about my little sleeper? Do you remember who I talked about how once we lay him down not one peep is uttered? Well my friends I am not eating my words but it is something much better then that. Tonight for the first time we had a babysitter put Wesley and Liam to bed. On 2 occasions My sister and my Mom did the honor but in the (almost) 9 months since we have been home we have always put Liam to bed. If we leave the boys with a babysitter we put Liam to bed first and then leave. Not tonight my friend. NO sir we left at 4:30. When we got home at 8:30 expecting to have 2 sleepers we were informed that Liam cried when he was put to bed, and actually continued to cry even after bottle bribery(something I don't do:). She said that Liam was not asleep. I squealed with delight(yes I squealed). I thanked her payed her more than I should have I am sure and quickly went in my babies room. When I went in there he stayed laying down which left me wondering if maybe he had finally fell asleep. After making "a little noise" I saw Liam peering at me in the dark. I said "Hi baby Mommy is home." To which he literally giggled and leaped to a standing position and proceeded to jump up and down in his crib. I rocked him snuggled him and laid him in his bed and haven't heard a peep since! He is quiet at night because he is happy...NOT some weird over analyzed reason I made up to freak myself out!

WE ARE ONE HAPPY FAMILY

ADVICE PLEASE!!

Here is my dilemma...Ever since my little brown bear has become the expert walker/runner/mr. independent...a new set of hmmm issues have come up. You see he umm well he kind of hmmm....I'll just say it He HITS, PUSHES, THROWS things and well a few times he has bitten. I don't know if the walking and new since of Independence has brought this on or if they just happened to happen around the same time. Of course being over analytical I have worried that it is some sort of attachment/aggression issue coming out. Although I have already had 1 boy we surprisingly did not deal with this issue. We had other issues...but not ones so aggressive in nature. The hitting and throwing usually if not always revolve around a fit or him being forced to do something he does not want to do. Such as hug his very (overly) affectionate older brother. Or if he has thrown a toy and I take it away he proceeds to run/toddle around the room hitting everything in sight including me if I am close enough. It really hurts my feelings and I KNOW I should not take it personally but I do and I need some tips. I need tips on how to handle his aggression. I need tips on discipline and how I should help teach him his behavior is inappropriate without feeding the aggression. Help!

your gonna hate me for this

So your gonna think I am totally ridiculous and maybe you'll even roll your eyes...I WOULD if I was reading what I am about to say on one of your blogs.... Let me set this up for you... Liam is an amazing sleeper. Amazing or should I say a little too amazing. When I put him down at 7:00 that is it no more Liam until 7:00, 8:00, or even 8:30 the next morning. Totally normal and fabulous right? Well here is my ahhhem..issue. He never wakes and cries...EVER...So he goes for what 12 hours without a peep. I appreciate it I do..I love LOVE MY SLEEP. But I love my baby more and there are times that I wish I could hear even a little whimper letting me know he needs mommy...A little rocking, snuggling, a back rub anything. But no he falls into a deep slumber and there he stays until the morning... I know I know count my blessings right. But there is something so precious about the OCCASIONAL midnight 'meeting' with your little one.

Please do the following

I have to be careful how I word this and what I say because I don't want weirdos googling my blog again and writing stuff that they know nothing about. I have a web sight here that I want you to go check out and follow the instructions given. It's a real eye opener. www.stoptheabortionmandate.com. Babies lives depend on it!

Changing Birthday

When we picked Liam up from HH Almaz Our wonderful, beautiful orphanage director told us she thought Liam was younger than the birthday given him. She said she even thought it was off by a couple of weeks. I have to say that I honestly dismissed it. You have to understand when we got LiLi he was Huge...I mean Huge (a little over 18 lbs. to be exact.) Well as we were there during the week and doing different things I noticed he was behind some of his peers who were around his age. After Liam was home for a few weeks I made the comment to Aaron that I thought Liam might be younger. I know a couple of weeks may not seem like a big deal but in baby world it is a lifetime. Again as the months have passed I thought more and more about my little boy and told Aaron once again I was convinced my little boy was a little younger. Actually the hardest time for me was when we celebrated what was assumed to be his first birthday. I really struggled on that day. Of course I would my baby was turning one, but I also felt like it was a big struggle because I thought about the fact that with the many unknowns in this little boys life we couldn't even celebrate a day so many of us take for granted Our Birthdays. Throughout the months I have prayed about Liam's birthday. I have prayed about what happened in his little life before HH. I pray for all of the unknowns that I know play a part in who he is and have forever changed him. One night I awoke in the middle of the night and a date popped into my head my next thought "That's Liam's Birthday." When I woke the next morning I thought about that day and the significance of it. We always had said that even thought LiLi's birthday was a guess we were not going to change it. We felt like that was something he was bringing back with him as the closest thing to his story we had. I continued to really pray about what it would mean for him if we changed his birthday. I just wanted him to have something we could pass off as a sure thing. I wanted to be able to tell him that it was in his official paperwork from HH. I really began to struggle with the fact that there is so many unknowns in my son's life. Although it has continued to be a grieving process for me as his mom to not know anything God has given me a for sure thing. Here is some of Liam's FACTS!

1. Although we don't know LiLi's story God does. He knows it from start to finish. He actually starting authoring my little man's story before the creation of the world. Not one detail has been forgotten or left out. Everything under the sun happens for a reason.

2. I was searching for and wanting people to give me answers they couldn't give. God on the other hand could give me answers. I truly believe he gave me Liam's birthday.

So even with all this said I am only human and still doubted whether or not we should officially change Liam's birthday. After Aaron and I talked about it, we decided that if we could somehow find out when Liam came to HH, that would help shed so much light into the date that I truly felt God had given me. We decided that the date I thought was Liam's birthday needed to be at least 2 weeks before the date he came to HH. I actually put this investigative quest off for a long time. I was tired of being told nobody knew anything. I really didn't want to hear it again. One random morning I was determined to try. God and his perfect timing....I heard back 2 short hours later. The date he arrived at HH was exactly 2 weeks after the date that we picked for his Birthday. It couldn't have been more perfect timing because as I shared the date with my Mom she had just ordered a Nana necklace and was at the last minute able to switch out the stone to his new month. Not a catastrophic issue but again God took care of the details (even the little ones.)

A never before seen referral update photo of my little JUNE baby! He was projected to be almost 4 months...But with his new birthday he was actually right at 3mo.

So to make an already long blog post...painstakingly longer....in honor of his Birthday....Which I won't officially share until our re adoption process...which won't be until November....

12 THINGS WE LOVE ABOUT LIAM....

1. Mommy loves the way we stare into each others eyes for your entire bottle. We play the blinking game...which often ends in giggles.

2.Daddy Loves how you can eat anything and everything at anytime. He loves a little competition.

3. Daddy Loves the way your chin sticks out when you whine. He also loves mimicking you making both of you laugh.

4. Mommy loves how you walk. You try so hard to stay balanced and when you crash which is inevitable you sit and clap for yourself until everyone joins you.

5. Mommy loves that you nod your head yes when asked a question. You look so grown up and sure of yourself even if you are completely clueless as to what you are saying yes to.

6. Mommy and Daddy love the way you blow kisses with both hands covering your mouth and a repeated smacking noise from your lippies.

7. We love how you dance! Love it Love it Love It! You even dance when Momma sings...It doesn't matter, you hear a tune and you start dancing.

8. Mommy loves your bucking bronco. Of course it does mean you are in the middle of a fit but it is hilarious. You get up on all fours and proceed to throw your upper body in the air, sending yourself crashing back down on your hands..

9. We love the way you say your brother's name. Brabra. I love how he can make you laugh (or squeal) no matter what mood either of you are in.

10. We love your skin and the way every color looks good on you.

11. Mommy loves that in nursery (though you play and have a great time) you occasional crawl to the door and knock on it calling out my name.

12. Daddy Loves the way you can palm a ball. He thinks it is a sign of a future sports player...

Happy late OFFICIAL birthday Brown Bear!

Boycotting a really sucky movie

So I have a confession...My last post was copied from the great blog eastiopians. I put their blog reference in the post but unfortunately I didn't know how and couldn't figure out how to link their blog to my post. So if you read my post or are just interested in what she had to say about this horrible movie please go check out her blog. I am honestly tired of horror movies in general. In one of my psych undergrad classes we studied the effects of pornography and horror movies on the minds of adolescents. It's scary. I wish I could say seeing an occasional horror movie isn't a big deal but well it's just not true. No matter what you think there are lasting effects left in your mind whether in your conscious or sub conscious. Really scripture tells us to fill our minds with whatever is pure, lovely and holy. What in the world is pure holy and lovely about people getting grotesquely maimed. I also read an article about horror movies and how they try and include as much nudity or sexual content as possible because they know that sells horror movies. The article also stated that Horror movies in the U.S. involve so much more gore, blood, violence, and sexual content then horror movies made in Japan. So I do understand there are different types and contents of Horror films. I am not opposing scary movies...in good taste. So all of this to say I hate that Warner Brothers is out to disrespect Orphans and adoption by creating a really tasteless movie. Please Boycott the movie ORPHAN! It's time to show HOLLYWOOD what sells!

Family Day

We have had a crazy busy summer. I mean Crazy busy but fabulous. There have been things I want to post about but never get around to it. I often think in posts. I actually think out the way I would type it. It's weird and unfortunately thats as far as some of my posts get (my head). Well I thought I would just post a few pictures of exactly what we have been up to. Then I hope to post about my thoughts on 'gotcha day,' changing birthdays and hindsight on instant 'bonding.' Here are some pics of our Family day. Liam had officially been home in the U.S. 6 months on this very special day of June 12. He was at Hannah's Hope 6 mo and in our Home 6mo. We were starting the journey of officially being home longer then in Ethiopia. I always thought we weren't going to celebrate 'gotcha days.' Really we haven't celebrated the day we first met him. We have always thought in terms of the day he was here the 12th of Dec. Anyway I won't get into in this post but I wanted to say that we deamed this day "family Day." It was a celebration of when we became a family of four joined together again. All of us in one place.

Don't ask me why the cake is pink.

Deep thoughts about Jesus....

I was letting Wesley lick the bowl after making brownies. I stepped out of the room for 5 seconds and when I came back in I found him like this. I asked him what happened and he looked at me clueless. I told him he had brownie mix everywhere and I asked again how it happened he told me"I was trying to lick the bottom of the bowl."

When we get up in the morning (the boys and I), we head into the kitchen and start the breakfast routine. There is really not much of a routine but every morning I do ask Wesley first what he wants for breakfast. This may change as Liam gets older but for now while I am still feeding him, his first course, I try to have Wesley eating while I am feeding Liam. There is a system though and that system involves me, every morning, asking Wesley what he wants for breakfast and then letting him know that if he can't pick something by the time I have 'brother's' breakfast ready he will have to wait until Liam is done. So we were going through this 'routine' Monday morning and this is how it went:

Me: Wesley what do you want for breakfast?

Wes: silence

Me: If you don't tell me by the time I get brother's breakfast ready you will have to wait until he is done...

Wes: (Looking pensive) Mom?

Me: Yes sweetheart?

Wes: What are all the things Jesus made for us for breakfast?

Me: (fortunately my head was in the cabinet because I couldn't help but giggle a little, I really didn't know where to go with this. Do I talk about how Jesus made the people at Kellogg's who then made our cereal? Do I talk about how I am the one who makes his breakfast but Jesus lives inside me?) Well all I said was: In our house we have cereal and sausage.

Then the other day I had just gotten my hair chopped off (so low maintenance and I thought it might help me look a little older (I was wrong, I tell that story another time.) anyways I had just gotten my hair chopped off and walked in the front door and Wesley was standing on the stairs to greet me. He was holding his camera and our conversation went something like this:

Wesley: Daddy said when I am older and we go hunting he is going to hold the gun and I am going to take my camera and sit next to him and take pictures.

Me: (assuming they had talked about hunting) Your going to take pictures of dead animals?

Wesley (chin quivering): If you go hunting you make the animal die?

Me: (mortified that I am the one breaking the news to him especially when we don't even hunt ESPECIALLY ME..) Well yeah baby that's what happens when you shoot something that is why you need to be very careful when you have a gun (trying to pull in a little life lesson).

Wesley: (chin quivering and eyes blinking to hold back tears) Is that what Jesus wants GaGaGa to do?

GaGaGa..is Wesley and Liam's great grandpa Gordon. There was a lot of G's and from the time Wes was little bitty he has called him GaGaGa.

Me (now faced with a dilemma. If I say no then GaGaGa is a bad person who goes against Jesus...Definitely not the right choice, but if I say yes then Jesus wants us to kill things.So after thinking about it long and hard, about 3.5 seconds I said): Jesus put us in charge of the animals and part of that means we need to kill some of them for food and make sure there are not to many of them so that the animals have a enough food.

Well he seemed satisfied with it.

Then the other day Wesley got in trouble, he looked at me very defiantly and said:

I am running away(a concept he knows nothing about) and I am taking Jesus with me.

I walked into the bathroom while Wesley was taking a bath he had been practicing trying to put his head under. I asked him what he was doing He said:

Me and Jesus are diving.

Yesterday I was changing Liam's diaper and Wesley ran in so excited he said "Mommy I just prayed..." I said "wow Wesley that's great what did you pray?" Wesley " I prayed Jesus would help my brain not fall out."

A choice we made for our son

We made a choice to circumcise Liam. I understand that this topic is sensitive and I also understand that not everyone agrees with it. This is why I feel it is so important to be educated on what you are choosing to do. Aaron and I saw many different doctors and got many many opinions from the medical world. Honestly the opinions came out to be 50/50. Some were adamantly for it and some were not "against it"...per say but did call it a cosmetic surgery. Well our last and final visit landed us at a ped. urologist who told us that the only cases of penile cancer are directly connected to uncircumcised males. Because he deals with all of the problems caused by being uncircumcised we took his opinion and after a lot of prayer and consideration we decided to make this very very very difficult decision. It was the right one and I am proud of me as Liam's mom for being strong enough to make a decision that was in his best interest long term. It reminds me of the time just recently when Wesley was really really sick. I mean getting worse while on antibiotics. After a night's stay in the ER and yet another developing ear infection I took him in to his primary care doctor. She said we needed to give Wesley an antibiotic shot. She said it was going to hurt and he was going to be very sore for a few days but then he would dramatically improve. I went with the shot...As I and 2 other nurses held Wesley down to get the shot I kept saying you promise this will be better long term. I didn't want to put him through something so painful in the moment unless I was promised I was doing something better for him in the long run. I know that having Liam circumcised is not comparable to giving Wesley a shot but the emotion of having to make that decision is. When you have to make a decision in your child's best interest knowing that short term there is pain but long term it is the best choice (for our son), it's hard. I don't wish any of those kinds of decisions on anyone but unfortunately we as parents will face them throughout our child's whole life. I am sorry for everyone who chose to be so hateful about a decision they were not part of. I am sorry that people I don't even know who don't know me chose to exert their agenda and try to use my personal blog as a platform for starting a debate. I am sad for those people. I don't even want to address the comments that they left because I don't want to give and validity to the ludicrous accusations that they made. We love both our boys more than life itself. As our friends, family and loyal followers of our blog can attest. Having Liam recover from his (as called by the doctors 'minor' surgery) it was a very precious time for him and us as his parents. I can't describe it and I am sorry that I tried because now something that was so special between us and our son has been tarnished by sick and hateful people. Fortunately all is well because ultimately this is my blog and well I have the power to delete.....

Happy Birthday precious Liam

Even though we had 3 birthdays in a period of 10 days I want to highlight and talk about one very special birthday in particular!

SOMEBODY TURNED 1!!!

Liam with his new toy box.

Eating and loving his Birthday cake...

Liam trying on his new hat from Aunt Grace. Go Cardinals! Liam turned 1 on May 22. Yes we had a Memorial day/birthday weekend celebration. We are officially 1 month away from Liam living with us longer than he lived at HH. It is a really big deal and I am so excited that we can almost say "he has been with us longer!"

As you all know we have come so far! So far...Although this has been a roller coaster ride it has been the best ride of my life. It is a ride that brought us Liam and has been worth every high high and low low. Just a few days ago I was thinking back on just what has changed since we have been home with Liam. Here is a list of some of the things that have come to mind:

1. You specifically call us Momma and Dadda. We have officially figured out that when you are healthy, full and well rested you want your Daddy. and you are a Daddy's boy all the way. If by chance you are not feeling well, it is time to eat, or sleep, or if the boys are just playing to rough you want your momma. I love that! I wrestle with my boys and I know how to have a good time but there is something special about a little boy playing and wrestling with Daddy. I want you to have that bond. I also recognize and love that you need your Momma to nurture you..I always will!

2. A few months ago Wes taught you how to clap and play "so big." You wanted to impress your big brother and boy did you! You made him so proud.

3. I now get to rock you when you are sleepy. When we first brought you home it was like a 1 on 1 session of Jazzersize....we had to continually bounce you in order for you to fall asleep. You now and have for awhile snuggled in to my arms to peacefully go to sleep.

4. You are a snuggler! You lay your sweet head on my chest when it is time for "nigh nigh."

5. You grab on to me so tight when someone talks to you...

6. You love to laugh!

7. We see that you are and have a very strong will. Now that we know that and understand it, so much of what you do is really cute as I see you trying to excert your opinion.

8. You love to eat table food. We breezed right by food introductions as you consumed and digested everything put in front of you. You are an amazing eater!

9. You can say...Momma, Dadda, nigh nigh, bru (for brother) and raaa raaa for well barking...

10. You love music. This is something you did not learn here you always loved it. Almaz told us we were picking up a dancer and boy do you have rhythm.

11.You grew very painstakingly four little teeth. You worked very hard on them and they are so perfect. Good job dude!

12. You learned sign language so fast. You sign for more, eat and please. You also made up your own little sign for "momma hold you?"

13. You dance whenever and wherever possible. One night you were having a really rough evening. Everything was making you cry...So being the good mom that I am I turned on a little Ludacris shake your money maker and you brightened right up...Oh boy....

14. You have gained 5 lbs and 3 inches. You now weigh in at a tiny 23 lbs (70%) and a short little 31 inches (95%).

15. Your hair is perfect and you have grown so much of it since coming home.

16. Through neck stretches that you hate and Osteopathic cranial manipulation treatments your head is almost perfectly shaped.

17. You say hi with your mouth wide open and your tongue out. Soooo cute!

18. You play telephone. You get the phone and hand it to me. You then instruct me to say "hi dadda..."

19. You know how to push each and every single button of momma's. Playing in the dog water is a no no. You know it...So instead of putting your hands in the water you drag a toy or article of clothing into the kitchen in order to dunk it in the water dish instead.

20. Since you have been home we have gotten to see an ultra sound of your tummy. This let mommy and Daddy have the rare opportunity to look at your kidneys your liver, bladder, stomach, gas hehe, lungs and most importantly Mommy and Daddy got to see your perfect and precious little heart!

21. You are such a good eater! On your birthday your favorite part was by far the singing and eating the cake. You were very put out by us trying to have you open gifts. I mean very put out...

Happy Birthday baby boy. Please know for the rest of your life we will always be here! There is nothing you can do that would ever make us love your more or less than we do now. You are our son and our love for you is unconditional!

Here are two random shots of us trying a lion costume on Liam. This is a very typical and extremely cute example of how he handles something new.....

Liam in a Lion Costume...

Liam very sad to be in the Lion Costume....

Couldn't you just eat him up????