Red barn, Blessings big and small, and funny Friday

This is a picture of what I am supposed to be working on. No I am not building a barn, but there is a festival in our town called Red Barn. Seems very fitting to me since I do feel we live in the middle of no where. At this festival the town square shuts down and people from the community set up craft booths. There is food and music and crafts. It's like a ginormous outdoor craft fair. I am selling items soon to be reveled in pictures or you can check out my business blog for details www.squeakybunz.blogspot.com. Instead what have I been doing?

1. Fleas: I found a flea about 2 weeks ago. Yes it was A flea, but in my opinion if there is one there is four hundred million. So we called the guy to spray. Yah so that is not a simple process. We had to clean EVERYTHING out of closets, from under beds, off the floors, we had to launder everything. I mean everything. And because I couldn't take our King size comforter to the laundromat I decided to get rid of it. I also got rid of all the pet beds, blankets, etc. We had to kennel the animals while they sprayed because we had to be out of the house for at least 3 hours. In order to kennel all the animals they had to be up to date on their shots. Guess who happen to be due for all shots? All three animals. I can't even begin to tell you how much we have spent because of a flea.

2. Liam's little teeth. Liam's teeth are horrible tortuous little beasts. I only say this because I can tell they are hurting him so BAD. He is running a hundred and three fever and drooling like crazy. We were up last night at 2:30. I was supporting Liam in the bath with one hand while I fed him a popsicle with the other. Once I got his fever down to 101 and I could tell he was sleeping more peacefully.

3. School, poor school it really should take precedence but unfortunately it's kind of at the bottom of the list. Although I do have a thirty pager due on Wed.

So those are the things I am distracted with Here is some blessings in the last few days, things I am Thankful for big and small.

Blessings

1. I am so thankful God does not let me see the future. As many times as I have wanted God to reveal his big plan, I was so thankful last night for ignorance. As I bathed Liam at 2:30 I kept telling myself...even though you have so much to do, you can nap when he naps, you can nap when he naps. Yeah so that won't be happening today...here's why check out #2.

2. I am thankful for big yellow signs on the back of Wesley's Kindergarten door. I am thankful for the sign that tells me: Remember EARLY DISMISSAL, PICK UP AT 1:00. Yah so there is why I don't get a nap, but more than that I didn't "remember" because I didn't know. Aaron has been the one picking up and dropping off the last few mornings and afternoons.

3.I am thankful for daydreaming. As I was driving wesley to school this morning and day dreaming I starting thinking about pumpkin bread...why I don't know but I did and it was in the middle of my day dream that I remembered that I had put our pumpkin bread back in the oven this morning because the middle was very doughy. So it had been in the oven at least 20 minutes. I quickly went home and was able to turn off the oven.

4. My husband. I just am in awe of how amazing Aaron is. I do recognize that not many people have a husband like Aaron and it is such a privilege to be married to him. He is supporting me through school, our business adventure, house projects. He pulls his weight. Sure it isn't always done in the way I want or the timing I need but his heart is so genuine and amazing. I am truly a lucky girl!!

Liam's prognosis:

So we had an update appointment with the neurologist. She told us that he was doing exceptionally. That there was nothing going on (negatively) neurologically with Liam. She said he was very bright very articulate and doing really well. All I could think was, how did he go from having abandonment issues and sensory issues to being exceptional in just a month? Well I felt like the appointment confirmed that Liam is attached, that he does have sensory issues (but only towards the quiet) She didn't think that was possible but I see Liam do awesome in loud crazy situations and then panic the second we walk into the library where it's quiet. We also saw an OT. The appointment was a nightmare. Liam pretty much rolled around on the ground screaming because the OT took away his school bus. In the end Liam did some of the things asked of him. He didn't get high scores in some areas but it was because he wouldn't do the activity, not because he couldn't. I knew he could do them. One time (right after the bus had been taken) the OT was saying Liam can you throw the ball? Look at the ball. Can you throw me the ball? Look I can throw the ball. Can you? Liam here's the ball...the ball...blah blah ball blah blah. Liam finally stops screaming, takes a breath, walks over to the ball, picks it up and chucks it as hard as he can right at the OT. Nailing the poor man since he was completely caught off guard. He then looks right at the OT and says I not want to throw the ball, I want the school bus. He was just as clear as a bell. In the end the OT's expert opinion was that Liam does not have sensory issues but a strong...excuse me...a very strong will. YOU THINK? Well we have already been coming to that conclusion.

Funny Friday

So we have been very half heartedly potty training Liam. He is 100% capable of going in the potty both pee and poop. But he has no concept of peeing in the potty versus peeing in his diaper. Besides all of that he just turned 2 and after going through this with Wes we really wanted to wait until Liam was closer to 3. At this age it seems so much more about our capability then about Liam's. Well anyway Liam had just pooped in the potty, which he calls pee (which does turn out to be a problem). He stands up and says Yay I peed I peed. I said Liam no you pooped what a good job. Liam looks right at me and as serious as can be he says, I not eat it? Shocked I said: No Liam you don't eat it. He says: that's yucky... I said: Yes Liam that is yucky...This goes down as one of those conversations you never thought you would NEED to have.

The other morning I was taking Wesley to School. Now as I said earlier I have been ubber busy. So let's just say personal hygiene has kinda slipped. So I was driving Wesley and he looks at me and starts laughing. I said: Wesley what's so funny? He said: Mom your wearing the shirt you wore to bed. I said: ya I am (not to mention I wore the shirt Yesterday too, I know people it's bad). He starts laughing and says: Mom that's hilarious, I have to tell my teacher. I said: Oh honey I don't think your teacher wants to know mommy wore the same shirt. He says: Yes she would she told us we are supposed to wash our body and wear clean clothes everyday. (Great so their doing a lesson in personal hygiene, that is great timing).

I mentioned earlier that it was a problem that Liam calls his poop pee. Well Yesterday to try and get Liam's fever down a popped him into a quick warm BUBBLE bath. I stepped out of the bathroom (for five seconds people) and when I came back he was sitting there saying: momma I peed, I peed, Momma I peed. I said: yes Liam that's nice you peed. Pee goes in the potty but you'll be fine. But he wouldn't let it go. Finally it dawns on me, wait he calls poop pee. So I part the bubbles and sure enough. It was not just one brown floater but seriously the entire contents of his large and small intestines. GROSS! He just gave me a look like: Look lady I tried to tell you.

Mom Inspiration

First I want to recap the last couple of family movie night movies:

Marmaduke: Super Cute! We were really pleased!

Main message: Being comfortable with you who are and not trying to be someone your not. Kept Wesley's attention the whole time.

The Incredible Mr. Limpet:

Super old movie, according to Wesley it was from the 1980's. It was cute and not scary. Unfortunately I didn't like the ending (I am about to give it away) It is justified why he can't be with his wife (he's a fish) and so she goes with the best friend and he goes with lady fish. I just felt like if Aaron was a fish I would live on the dock...or in a submarine or in scuba gear or something....you know since Aaron turning into a fish is a pretty immanent possibility and I would need a practical plan on how to solve it.

Okay so on to mom inspiration. It's ironic how my inspiration post is going to be one post and so much shorter than the guilt posts. But isn't that life. Isn't that how we as mom's (or humans) are? We live disproportionately in a life of failures and guilt instead of success and freedom. Jesus died for our freedom. He wanted us so badly to not have to experience the weight and consequence of sin that he sent his son for us... Something to think about.

Anyway I had some really great conversations with my Mom last night about how I genuinely feel at the end of my rope. We are needing some answers and to be honest Aaron and I really needing a night away, excuse me, a weekend away. We need the, go to sleep after being uhhhh, together, wake up late in the morning, eat peaceful meals together, catch a movie, play some games, have uninterrupted conversations, sleep, hang out, shop, hold hands, sleep, eat peacefully, sleep, take a shower (for me uninterrupted, without the shower curtain ripped open, only to answer the same question for the 15th time.) sleep. Dry my hair....put on makeup...wear clean clothes...Okay I'm sorry what am I talking about....Hold on...

Yes I have it now inspiration. I have a couple of thoughts that I am contemplating. One is: Since God has a plan for my kids, Do I really think he put me in charge of making sure his plan was carried out? THis may not make sense and I am pretty hopped up on Sudafed, but I just mean I often parent the boys like it's all my responsibility to make sure God's plan (which I don't even know) is not botched by me and my imperfections. I act like somehow if I do everything right, hop up and down on one leg, and hold my mouth right, I can control how my babies end up. I don't consciously think this way but my mom guilt shows me that I must think it somewhere. My next thought that I am contemplating is that It's God's plan, that means it's HIS responsibility I don't have to guess all the time how to parent my boys, I need to extend Love first, Grace second, and discipline third, and remember that is my responsibility. I get to enjoy my boys and take the pressure off. I don't know if that makes sense or if it just seems I am trying to justify shirking my responsibility but I feel I am genuinely beginning to understand as a parent, God's Grace truly is sufficient in my weakness! God called me to be Bethany Rye Wife and Mom inspite of my imperfections. He knew I was going to fail. Turns out he knew I was human. I just have to have faith that what he promises is true and not try to control the outcome.

The last thought I contemplated today was: I am not picking to discipline my kids multiple times in a day. I don't know how I have taken so much of the children's choices to disobey me on myself. I don't know how I let this happen but I am beginning to get it. God created us choosing beings. Because of the fall we are born sinful. We don't need to teach our little people how to be sinners. They already know. WE have to teach them how to make good choices and do the right thing. I began to realize that when Liam is on his 17th temper tantrum of the day...I need to step back and realize this is not an assault on me. It's not an assault on my parenting. It's Liam exerting his God given ability to chose. It is my job as a parent to come along side Liam and to think "okay Liam you chose...You chose WRONG....and now it my job to demonstrate the consequences of your wrong choice." This gives Liam safety. It says "I understand you don't always know or want to pick the right thing.... but I am the parent and I will show you how to learn how to chose right." Every time they choose to disobey they aren't (even though their actions feel like it) saying..."you've failed mom and guess what I am in control..." it's really a "You have asked me to not open the door while we are driving...I really don't care for your directions mom...and well I would like to see what happens if I continue to chose what I want..." It was cool. I had quite a few opportunities to practice this today. I stepped back and very objectively (hmmm well there's no proof it wasn't objective:) re-guided them to obedience. The fits were fewer (funnier) but fewer and didn't last nearly as long. We'll just say by the end of this phase I am pretty confident Liam and Wesley will be secure that his Mommy is in control and that he is therefore safe....safe to try things out but also safe to make the wrong choices because his mommy will help him begin to understand what wrong choices feel like and how making the right choices feel. I know all of this probably sounds super DUH.. and Aaron and I consistently discipline our kids but this post is about the inspiration and the new found freedom that they are the ones making the wrong choice...it's not my fault they are needing to be disciplined. I guess it's not really a post about changing a discipline style (necessarily) but more about changing the outlook for me as not only a parent but a child of God.

Man I love those two little people and I am loving the last 12 hours of this new found freedom to just love my kids and let God work out the details of how he will carry out HIS plans for HIS children.

Mom Guilt part II

I took this picture for a friend. She makes these amazing hooded towels (let me know if you want one!) Anyway the photo shoot didn't go well, Wesley was cringe and Liam peed in the rocking chair.

Before I finish part one I want to mention that the day right before this horrible appointment took place I had had an amazing conversation with my MIL. We talked about Mom guilt and remembering how God's Grace is so sufficient in our weakness. We talked about struggles, strengths and weaknesses. It was such an encouragement to me and little did she or I know that God was going to use this conversation to help me make through what was about to take place. I truly feel that this conversation was from God to equip me for later. I am so thankful that my MIL is a believer and the Holy Spirit used her! She is such a blessing and inspiration to me.

Okay on to part II

So when the Doctor looked at me and said "you know this is your fault," the tears started to flow. I can be emotional but I hate showing weakness. Especially to a Doctor. I feel that Doctors are working for their patients, but there are those doctors who think they are God's gift to humans and somehow as their patient I am beneath them. So I have my teeth clenched and tears streaming down my face. The Dr. looks at me and says "you don't need to cry, you just need to be consistent and think about what is going on. So in my head I was thinking(don't judge me, well judge away) "F you lady.... You have no idea based on the 10 minutes you have been in here how I parent. I am one of the most over analytical and consistent to a fault people I know." It has taken the last 2 years of having Liam just to learn to be flexible and go with the flow and not over analyze. Seriously who do you think you are?" But all that came out was, "I am consistent" (in a very weak barely audible voice) I even did the fff ffff fff noise when I breathed back in. She said yeah but it obviously has not been good enough because he is having problems. So for me the "tape" that I had been playing since Liam came home of: I should be able to help him, it's my fault that I can't "fix" him, I should know what's wrong....this message or "LIE" was being confirmed by this horrible individual. I had finally gotten to a place where I was realizing and truly understanding let Liam be and enjoy him, stop trying to fix him and realize that we can get outside help and that leaves me to be his mommy not his "savior." I knew what the Dr. was saying was not true but it was like taking the biggest struggle or insecurity of the last 18 mo and telling me my worst fear was dead on. ugh.

So after we had this issue with Liam the Dr. wasn't done trying to totally break me. I am pretty sure she was just trying to see how long it would take before I jumped out the office window. I had Wes on my lap and she was checking him over. Now just a little background info. Wesley was antagonizing Liam while we were waiting in the room and so he had just gotten put in time out. I had just taken him out before the Doctor walked in. So of course he was very sulky. The doctor asks Wesley (who is normally a "wealth" of knowledge) how old he was. He held up his 5 fingers. She said I don't know how many that is can you tell me. When he did speak he used a weird squeaky mouth half closed barely audible voice. She looks at me and said "you're so focused on the other one and this is the one you should be worried about. He is going to check out and you won't get him back." I seriously almost threw up. I wanted to say "so basically I am failing in every situation and both of my children." Instead I looked at her and said he is just being stubborn. She said no you need to watch him. AHHHHH I am a stay at home mom! THAT is all I DO is watch them. AND WATCH THEM, AND WATCH THEM! Again AHHHH....So after we left the appointment (Aaron had come to and I am so glad he was there to witness this whole thing), I told Aaron I feel like saying F$%$ it and giving up. I am on Anti-anxiety meds, I am trying my best to give this to God, To take every thought captive, and I feel like in one (what ended up being an hour) appointment I got told I am the cause for everything bad in my kids world. I told Aaron I don't feel like I can do this anymore. If I am the one screwing up our kids then I shouldn't be here. Aaron had also been very impacted at the appointment and I am pretty sure when the Dr. told me this was all my fault, I am pretty sure I saw his eyes fill with tears. He knew how wrong she was and how much she had just hurt me. So Aaron reminded me why it was a lie. Why she was wrong and that I needed to focus on truth! I was still hurt but just seeing the anger in my chill husband made me feel defended and protected. It was a just anger. Well we pretty much had time to pick out the boys treats (for their shots) and then I had to head to class. I was still hurting so I called my mom. I could tell she really hurt for me and she prayed with me before I walked into class. She prayed that God would let class be fun and distracting. Well not only was it fun but I got a chance to talk with the teacher afterwards. She has two boys one in College and one is a SR. in High School. She said that her youngest son has Down Syndrome. After class I asked her how they balanced giving extra attention to their youngest and still meeting their oldest sons needs. We got talking about what had happened with my appointment. She teared up and gave me a hug. She told me that I had to be confident that GOD was in control. I told her that I was hurting because even though I knew the Doctor's words were lies, I hurt that a spot where I was so vulnerable God allowed to be used by Satan. She told me that God didn't allow it. But God can and will use it for his good. I told her a little bit about what we were doing with Liam and the special evening time Wesley got with us. I also told her how I take Wesley on "dates" and we give him privileges of doing things with Daddy that Li Li is still to young to get to do. She said that Wes was getting what he needed and the experience of growing up and realizing the world doesn't revolve around him would be a blessing and not hurt him.

When I got home from class we got a phone call from a physician who we know and were comforted to hear how wrong our appointment really had been. So when I looked back on the situation, while I would not chose to go through it again, I would not trade the experience. We got a lot of encouragement and support from friends. I got to find out that my professor is a Christian and I felt more then ever we were on the right track with Liam or else Satan wouldn't have felt the need to try and discourage us.