This time last year and Merry Christmas!

So as I get on Blog world and read through peoples adoption blogs and posts I find myself becoming well somewhat Jekyll and Hyde. On one side I find myself being super happy and 'heart warmed' by others and their easy transition, and journey. On the other hand I want to give up. I want to shut down the blogging thing and move on. Why you may ask yourself? Well for starters: I have been super real on my blog and to me super real means the good(sometimes awesome!) the Bad and the down right ugly. So what does this get me? Well lets just say as I peruse(is this a word) other blogs you know the happy go lucky ....Glass half full and if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all...Yeah those blogs I look at them and see tons of responses. Everyone wants a happy story...Especially those who have not brought their little peanuts home. They want to read how the experience is awesome and the babies/kids are perfect. I remember before we brought Liam home if I read anything that was slightly glass half empty I would always shake my head pity the person and say "that won't be us." We know what to expect we have one kiddo already this will be cake. HA HA! What I didn't expect was how unprepared I truly was. I was unprepared to want personal space. I love how on one persons blog (who was shooting straight and I love it!) she said she was caught off guard when the child cried and she felt this sense of "where is this child's mother." It put into words something I really felt. There were so many times when Liam first cried or was super sick that I felt so distant from him because I didn't know how to make it better. I needed someone to tell me how to help him/comfort him. I felt responsible for causing any sadness/discomfort. I was taking him away from everything familiar. It did get better. I guess this has all been on my mind because I can't stop thinking about this time last year. Where we were emotionally, physically, spiritually. Man I/we were in such a different place. So here it is. You can follow all the blogs that are happy and perfect(I pray this is your experience I really really do). But just in case things blindside you like they did me...Just in case you are a little caught off guard I wanted to give you a little Christmas gift....It comes in the form of comfort and peace...and maybe a little story to go with it(you know me and my unbelievably long posts:) There were times when I would rock Liam to sleep and cry. Yes Cry. Cry and beg God that tomorrow would be different. I would pray that we could have just one day ONE DAY without his screaming. One day without me being frustrated, overwhelmed and feeling like a failure. I would often kiss my sleeping boy and lay him in his bed and then literally call out to God to not let Satan have a foot hold, to not leave me alone when I was struggling so hard with inadequacies. To not kick me once again while I was down. I was so lost and felt so alone. Liam and Wesley bring me the greatest joy and the greatest heart ache. My heart hurts as I learn to be a parent and accept my failures. I pray continually that God is sufficient in my weakness. I hold myself to a standard of perfection for those two boys because I love them so much I want to be the Mom I believe they deserve. Thus leading to my post adoption depression. I needed to just be. I needed to just be still and know that God was God. That I was specifically picked to be Liam's mother and Wesley's mother. Out of all the women in the universe God picked me to be their mother. Not just because of my good attributes but also my weaknesses. God knew my weakness and he knew his glory would shine through.(Thank you Lord for the Holy Spirit). Honestly sometimes I would call out to God and ask him where he was. Why this was so hard and such a challenge. In the end I see pieces of how God has moved and worked during that time. One big way is he brought people into my life who were needing encouragement post adoption. I also see how strong he grew Aaron and I. I had to rely on Aaron. I had to trust him and count on him. Aaron knew he I needed him and he did not let me down. I Love my husband so much and I see God was using this experience to bless us with a priceless gift. Aaron and I have always been best friends but we truly became soul mates. I didn't know where he began and I ended. I always felt so competent with one and then bam there were two and I needed Aaron. It was such a humbling place but an awesome place. To some degree I do think God has a sense of humor because before we brought Liam home I prayed and prayed that Liam would be like me(specifically one who loves sleep:) Wes is so much like his Daddy SOOO much like his daddy. I wanted a little person like me. I laugh now because Boy God could not have pegged me any better. It actually often makes Aaron and I laugh just how similar liam and I are. Well anyway this journey has been long and Hard and continues to be a challenge. But as I was rocking my littlest man to sleep (just a few weeks ago) I was thinking about all the different people who are just arriving home or who have arrived home in the last year and reflecting on how simple it has seemed for so many. I felt my breath catch as I looked down at Liam and realized I wouldn't want to do it any differently if it meant not having Liam. I want to go through his screaming/screeching/anger/aggressive/wreck less/loving/snuggling/funny/singing/blessing all over again because it is with my boy. So to those of you who have traveled a more difficult journey as I sit here a few weeks past 1 year, things are totally different (and totally the same in many ways). In many ways Liam is still the same and we still have the same battles...But I know him. I know him and he is mine. I feel adequate to comfort him. I am balancing both of my children. It is difficult when they pick same time, same day to attack but I feel more prepared..WE are here we have been here for awhile(I just felt to intimidated to write the post). We are in the place that I would sit and ponder as I would rock Liam during those first six months home. We are here. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you. But seeing as how my blog very much has become my "journal of this journey," Just thought I would throw it out there. I pray you have a merry and peaceful Christmas. May God bless you and keep you, may he make his face shine upon you and give you His PEACE. Lots of love Bethany

1 year ago tomorrow

Moses William Franklin Rye

'Liam'

Some picks I took in the fall

I thought these desserved their own picture

These are totally out of order but us decorating the tree. Last year he was asleep! First Halloween

First time in the bounce house. You want nothing to do with it:)

Dressed for snow

Playing the guitar with Daddy. You love music and man have you got rythem We think you will be a drummer though:)

First time at the pumpkin patch!

17mo. bye bye babba:(

This was you after winning the beautiful baby contest at the fair. You look says you knew you had it in the bag!

First time in a KC 135

First time in super man pj's. Your look tells it all!

That is right 1 year ago tomorrow I held for the first time my precious 2nd born. We have come so far from that first day. Words can't even describe all of the thoughts and feelings I have about this little boy and our journey together.

There have been some bumps and some really really hard times but these moments are still so priceless to me as they are moments I had with Liam. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Ughh I am having the hardest time gathering my thoughts on what to say: or at least where to start. To I take you all back on the journey and bring you forward to where we are know? Or do I just keep it short and sweet and show you some awesome pictures. Or do I do typical blogger fashion and write the 12 things we have love about our Liam in the 12 months he has been home with us? Hmmm.

I think I will start with the first option, throw in some of the second and maybe round it off with the third. sounds ambitious we shall see....

12 months ago today...(me pretending it's tomorrow:) We were walking the gravel road to Liam. I was so nervous I could throw up. I mean I specifically remember being so nervous I thought I would throw up. Anyways as we walked I was praying. Praying I wouldn't throw up(of course) but also praying for our meeting with him. Praying it would be special and momentous, praying it would be the typical "video scenario" I had seen on some many blogs pre-travel of those who had walked in my shoes. Watching their beautiful videos with the perfect sweet music playing in the back ground etc. I imagine my own video and what it would look like as we scooped up our precious boy. I then prayed that they would hand him to me and that I wouldn't be required out of sea of children to pick him out according to the referral pics I had seen. My last prayer was that he would smell good. I am such a sniffer. Seriously it is a genetic trait I inherited from my Dad. We sniff everything sentimental. I sniff my kids heads, I sniff my husband, I sniff my son's bear (it smell like him and a little bit like drool). So I prayed he would have a good smell.

As they opened the doors to our large 8 couple travel group I remember feeling this sense of urgency. Kind of like the feeling you get on Black Friday when they open the doors at 5a.m. Anyway as we stepped in it was like walking into the secret Garden (after the main character fixed it up of course) or maybe munchkin land after watching the first 20 minutes of the wizard of oz in black and white. It was beautiful happy and cheerful. Within 5 seconds of walking in the door one family was bombarded with their two little ones. 18mo and almost 4. Okay so the 4 year old was excited the 18mo took a little warming up. I still tear up when I remember the sweet 4 year old gripping her new daddy's neck. Ughhh precious! A few seconds one of my "sisters" me her little princess and Liam's future wife. We were snapping pictures right and left each one of us seemingly being caught off guard as our children were being handed to us. Let's just say it was not the slow motion gotcha video I had imagined. As we took pictures Almaz came over to us and said Liam is right over here laying on a blanket in the sun. I was excited and mortified. Would I have to pick him out? What if I didn't pick right. Well as we made our way he was the only little sweet pea laying on the blanket by himself. I swear looking back now he was probably in time out for being so loud (no HH does not do time outs, and they do not do them with the babies esp. I am just being funny). Anyway I scooped him and took a sniff...wheewwh my poor sweet pea was having tummy trouble with the formula switch they had to do because of the formula shortage. His little system did not take the switch well. After we snapped some quick pics we went upstairs so that we could change him(it had leaked out everywhere EVERYWHERE). We brought him up to the changing station and proceeded to change and clean him. We also witnessed the worst diaper rash we have ever seen and of course it made Liam cry... I was so nervous.

We left the babies for a short bit to eat and shop and returned to pick the little ones up. My nightmare came true as it was 7:00 p.m. and the babies were still sleeping (yes late evening nap) We were supposed to go pick them up. Hmmm which one is my baby. I went in room after room and couldn't find him. I finally found one baby laying in the girls nursery wearing a santa suite that looked just like Liam. But I was in the girls nursery. Was this the right baby? A few of my "sisters" who had also met Liam that morning and seen referral photos of Liam (who had by the way managed to find their children with out a problem) came in to help me id him. They thought it was him but we were all baffled by the boy in a girls nursery. Well long story short When Liam arrived at HH they didn't have any boy cribs open so he was put in with the Ladies. He was in there just stayin strong (I do think this has added to his drama later in life:)

Well I am not an instructions kind of person. I usually open a box of something that needs to be assembled and start working on it. Directions are on an as need basis. Never in my life have I ever ever wanted directions or an instruction manual more then I did when we picked Liam up. We went back and changed him (out of the santa suite he was in...to funny) ate some dinner and put him down. He went right to sleep without a peep. We thought wow this was easy. We were exhausted and so we laid down to. The second our heads hit the pillow we were out. Then (15min later) Liam starts scream choking. I kid you not. Right now try it with me, cough and as you cough try and let out a high pitch horrifying scream. Yeah that is what we heard. I burst into tears after grabbing Liam and making sure he was still alive. Aaron's knee jerk reaction was to run across the room. It really scared us. Fortunately We traveled with a couple who happen to be ER nurses (awesome) the wife happens to be one of my "sisters." So I felt a little more comfortable knocking on their door at 11:00. We were told that was probably just Liam clearing his throat. Excuse me? Do you me that was Liam impersonating a dying, suffering animal? That was not a normal cough. Well he coughed like that pretty much our entire trip and we got used to him sounding like each cough was his last (I told you he was dramatic).

We did not sleep well the whole time we were there. During the week Aaron only had tummy issues for about 24 hrs. I had anxious tummy the whole time and by Wed. came down with what would turn out to be a horrible resp. infection. Aside from all that We loved the beautiful and kind people, We loved being immersed in the culture. After Wed. night when we got to go to the Ethiopian restaurant I was ready to stay longer. Our trip home was uneventful except my eardrum burst but that happened on the flight from D.C. to Saint Louis.

Once home our lives with Liam have been nothing short of exciting. Liam is a challenge and a blessing. Sometimes I found when I would read other peoples blogs who would brag of easy transitions and Happy all the time children I would get sad. I felt like I had failed to make our time perfect, I failed to transition him perfectly. Well first of all I would go through everything again if it meant Liam would be mine. I do grieve the easiness people describe in their blogs but at the same time our adjustment has been real. I am an analytical person and even Liam was all smiles all the time I would have analyzed his attachment to be poor or reactive or traumatic. At least I knew that Liam was having a hard time. Not with us but with the adjustment, his poor little 6mo. body had gone through so much. Everything Liam was used to EVERYTHING was no more. From the type of diapers, to formula to clothing, smells, weather, sunshine(gone we came home in winter), bed blankets, care givers, soap bath tub, lighting, heating, toys, noises (no more hearing his friends). Everything. Looking back now I see this. At the time it was really hard not to take it personal.

I have some thoughts on people's naivety towards attachment versus bonding versus traumatic attachment etc. I will not use Liam's one year post to write about it.

Anyways we love love love our family we love our little boys and we are so happy to be on this side of the fence of one of the most exciting journey's of our lives!

12 things we have learned/love about Liam

1. You are extremely happy our extremely sad. You are so dramatic. You could not have been genetically configured to be more like your momma in personality then you are. You are my mini me (in brown:) I love it.

2. You have the most contagious belly laugh and you laugh easily.

3. You throw fits about the funniest things it makes us laugh which often starts a round of giggles from you.

4. Your baby noises/ baby babble is hilarious. some type of noise has to be coming out of your body at all times.

5. You are a smart boy. You are very good at following directions.

6. You are also clever and know how to not follow directions:)

7. The way you say your words with your tongue out...your goofy

8. They way you eat anything and everything all the time.

9. They way you love your big brother. You really love him and he really loves you!

10. You love to sleep. You are an excellent sleeper. Again a boy after Momma's heart.

11. Your cheesy smile you make when you are being naughty. Unfortunately it does usually get you out of trouble.

12. The way we have all learned each other. The way that we fell in love with you. The way that we can't remember life without our Liam. The way you are and always will be our little brown bear.

Liam before the creation of the world you were our son. There is not one day of your life that went by that we weren't thinking and praying for you. You are so loved my sweet pea and we treasure you!