Mom Guilt part II

I took this picture for a friend. She makes these amazing hooded towels (let me know if you want one!) Anyway the photo shoot didn't go well, Wesley was cringe and Liam peed in the rocking chair.

Before I finish part one I want to mention that the day right before this horrible appointment took place I had had an amazing conversation with my MIL. We talked about Mom guilt and remembering how God's Grace is so sufficient in our weakness. We talked about struggles, strengths and weaknesses. It was such an encouragement to me and little did she or I know that God was going to use this conversation to help me make through what was about to take place. I truly feel that this conversation was from God to equip me for later. I am so thankful that my MIL is a believer and the Holy Spirit used her! She is such a blessing and inspiration to me.

Okay on to part II

So when the Doctor looked at me and said "you know this is your fault," the tears started to flow. I can be emotional but I hate showing weakness. Especially to a Doctor. I feel that Doctors are working for their patients, but there are those doctors who think they are God's gift to humans and somehow as their patient I am beneath them. So I have my teeth clenched and tears streaming down my face. The Dr. looks at me and says "you don't need to cry, you just need to be consistent and think about what is going on. So in my head I was thinking(don't judge me, well judge away) "F you lady.... You have no idea based on the 10 minutes you have been in here how I parent. I am one of the most over analytical and consistent to a fault people I know." It has taken the last 2 years of having Liam just to learn to be flexible and go with the flow and not over analyze. Seriously who do you think you are?" But all that came out was, "I am consistent" (in a very weak barely audible voice) I even did the fff ffff fff noise when I breathed back in. She said yeah but it obviously has not been good enough because he is having problems. So for me the "tape" that I had been playing since Liam came home of: I should be able to help him, it's my fault that I can't "fix" him, I should know what's wrong....this message or "LIE" was being confirmed by this horrible individual. I had finally gotten to a place where I was realizing and truly understanding let Liam be and enjoy him, stop trying to fix him and realize that we can get outside help and that leaves me to be his mommy not his "savior." I knew what the Dr. was saying was not true but it was like taking the biggest struggle or insecurity of the last 18 mo and telling me my worst fear was dead on. ugh.

So after we had this issue with Liam the Dr. wasn't done trying to totally break me. I am pretty sure she was just trying to see how long it would take before I jumped out the office window. I had Wes on my lap and she was checking him over. Now just a little background info. Wesley was antagonizing Liam while we were waiting in the room and so he had just gotten put in time out. I had just taken him out before the Doctor walked in. So of course he was very sulky. The doctor asks Wesley (who is normally a "wealth" of knowledge) how old he was. He held up his 5 fingers. She said I don't know how many that is can you tell me. When he did speak he used a weird squeaky mouth half closed barely audible voice. She looks at me and said "you're so focused on the other one and this is the one you should be worried about. He is going to check out and you won't get him back." I seriously almost threw up. I wanted to say "so basically I am failing in every situation and both of my children." Instead I looked at her and said he is just being stubborn. She said no you need to watch him. AHHHHH I am a stay at home mom! THAT is all I DO is watch them. AND WATCH THEM, AND WATCH THEM! Again AHHHH....So after we left the appointment (Aaron had come to and I am so glad he was there to witness this whole thing), I told Aaron I feel like saying F$%$ it and giving up. I am on Anti-anxiety meds, I am trying my best to give this to God, To take every thought captive, and I feel like in one (what ended up being an hour) appointment I got told I am the cause for everything bad in my kids world. I told Aaron I don't feel like I can do this anymore. If I am the one screwing up our kids then I shouldn't be here. Aaron had also been very impacted at the appointment and I am pretty sure when the Dr. told me this was all my fault, I am pretty sure I saw his eyes fill with tears. He knew how wrong she was and how much she had just hurt me. So Aaron reminded me why it was a lie. Why she was wrong and that I needed to focus on truth! I was still hurt but just seeing the anger in my chill husband made me feel defended and protected. It was a just anger. Well we pretty much had time to pick out the boys treats (for their shots) and then I had to head to class. I was still hurting so I called my mom. I could tell she really hurt for me and she prayed with me before I walked into class. She prayed that God would let class be fun and distracting. Well not only was it fun but I got a chance to talk with the teacher afterwards. She has two boys one in College and one is a SR. in High School. She said that her youngest son has Down Syndrome. After class I asked her how they balanced giving extra attention to their youngest and still meeting their oldest sons needs. We got talking about what had happened with my appointment. She teared up and gave me a hug. She told me that I had to be confident that GOD was in control. I told her that I was hurting because even though I knew the Doctor's words were lies, I hurt that a spot where I was so vulnerable God allowed to be used by Satan. She told me that God didn't allow it. But God can and will use it for his good. I told her a little bit about what we were doing with Liam and the special evening time Wesley got with us. I also told her how I take Wesley on "dates" and we give him privileges of doing things with Daddy that Li Li is still to young to get to do. She said that Wes was getting what he needed and the experience of growing up and realizing the world doesn't revolve around him would be a blessing and not hurt him.

When I got home from class we got a phone call from a physician who we know and were comforted to hear how wrong our appointment really had been. So when I looked back on the situation, while I would not chose to go through it again, I would not trade the experience. We got a lot of encouragement and support from friends. I got to find out that my professor is a Christian and I felt more then ever we were on the right track with Liam or else Satan wouldn't have felt the need to try and discourage us.