Mom guilt

I have always been an over analytical mom. I don't take my decisions concerning my children lightly. Once I make a decision the analyzing doesn't stop there. NO I watch and analyze the results. I ask myself: Did that work? How are the kids responding? Will I do this again in the future? Etc. You get the idea. I try to be lighthearted. I try to let some things go...and don't get me wrong I can be impulsive and spontaneous and fun, I just don't care for surprises and I like a plan...When we had Wesley things were super structured. I worked very hard to put him on a schedule and we stuck to it. We rarely fudged on bedtimes. I also was kind of anal about how much he ate, what kinds of foods, etc. If we were at a store and his pacifier fell out instead of putting it in my mouth to clean it off and then handing it back (human mouths are dirty...uh pretend I didn't just share that:) I had back up pacifiers. I used cart covers so Wes didn't put the cart handle in his mouth... When did I loosen up? I can remember the day perfectly. We were at walmart: I was trying to keep Wesley happy but at the same time look for a particular item. I was looking on the bottom shelf and so I let Wes get out of the cart to "help me." I find the item about the same time that I realize it has gotten very quiet. I look over and Wesley is licking the floor of Walmart. Just licking it. That is when it dawned on me...I can work my butt of to keep this kid safe, happy, healthy etc. and he is going to make choices that will totally undue all of my anal hard work. So instead of working harder I loosened up. No more cart covers! Yeah so I didn't loosen up that much, well not until Wes became a toddler. I started to see he can just eat cake for dinner on occasion and survive. He also can have a nap or bedtime interrupted (and I will pay the consequences) but life will go on. I was just starting to loosen up and Liam came along.

What changed for Liam? EVERYTHING. When there is two that are 3 years apart there is a lot that just can't be done. For example nap times. Yikes balancing nap times and Wes's pre-school schedule and grocery shopping, and bible study, and other errands. Yes there was a lot more loosening up I had to do to survive.

One area I have not loosened up on (but I am trying to let go of) is over analyzing decisions that emotionally affect my children. For example whether or not Wesley should go to Kindergarten this year. That decision was seriously 2 years in the making and man this summer I lost sleep over it.

With Liam it's different. I struggle all the time with how I should be parenting him. When Liam came home he presented issues that I had never dealt with before, as I am sure many parents could say about their second child. But with Liam it was more then that. I struggle and struggled all the time with how do I help him overcome his struggles. How do I be the Mom he needs and not just the mom I know how to be. I would cry and pray for Wisdom. I would lay face down on the floor, at times, praying God would give me wisdom. Sometimes these prayers were cried out pure exhaustion and just wanting relief and answers. But most of the time these prayers have come out of I don't want to see my baby hurt. I don't want to see him struggle so hard with life. I see him hurting and not able to express his hurt. I want him to feel safe and secure and be able to move beyond whatever is holding him back. I have felt mom guilt with both of my children at different times and for different reasons. I would have to say that the #1 reason I have felt mom guilt with Liam is that I couldn't be perfect. I know that probably sounds dumb, but I as his mom I wanted to be exactly who he needed all of the time. Never failing. Always knowing. Because I could and can tell that there is something more troubling Liam then just whatever stage of life he was in I hurt so bad that I couldn't fix it. I put a lot of blame on myself that I didn't know what to do.

Well when we reached out for answers and had the appointment with the neurologist I felt we have been on the right path. I am seeing a change in Liam I never saw before (I really want to write about that but I am realizing this post is getting super long and I need to pick up Wes from kindergarten, so I will save it for another time). I was starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel and felt like we were going to learn how to help Liam. Well in order to help Liam things have definitely gotten worse behaviorally for him (as they should, worse before better). Aaron and I are exhausted and running on E. But we see the light and it is getting brighter and so we press on. Well yesterday the boys had a well visit with the pediatrician that I had in the past decided we would not be seeing anymore. Well anyway it's been almost 2 years and I thought maybe enough time had gone by that we should give the Dr. a shot again and take the boys for their well visits. BOY WAS I WRONG. When asked how Liam was doing, I explained (over Liam screaming and writhing in my arms) that he has had behavioral issues but that we had seen a neurologist and were getting answers and working with him. She looks at me and looks at him and says: "what kind of behavioral issues?" I start to give examples, she tells me those are examples of a normal 2 year old. Then she tells me kids only throw fits for 1 of 3 reasons, tired, hungry, and I don't even remember the 3rd because at this point I realized she was clueless (about my child). I said well lets take Sunday for example: Liam had woke up after sleeping 12 hours, had a full breakfast and I said Liam lets go brush your teeth. That is when things went to hell emotionally for him and never and I mean never recovered, to the point that him and Daddy had to stay home so that I could leave and teach Sunday school. She looked at me and said, "no you need to be more observant." Then she asks how we handle Liam when he acts like he is (since he was crying and screaming and throwing himself on the ground). I said "well we used to put him in his bed till he could calm down. Now after learning what we have been learning from a book I am reading (I will give title and author) and the neurologist we are trying a new approach. If he seems inconsolable I hold him and rock him and I rub his hair and face and tell him he is safe and mommy loves him. Or If it seems like he can move on then I tell him to stop it and ignore the behavior." She said "you need to work harder at distracting him before he starts the fit." Then she looked right at me and said "You know you are the cause of this behavior...."

So I have to go. We will call this post part one. There will be more to come. And the best part is that in the midst of struggling and wanting to see God's love for me I got to see his hand move in a big way yesterday...