Jealous of the women in cell block 6

So Aaron and I were watching this show on TLC called women of cell block 6. It's kind of a detention center/jail were women are held but not in actual prison. It seems like a lot of them are waiting for sentencing, waiting for parole waiting for something. So why in the world am I jealous. Well as you all have probably guessed by now I am super sarcastic. So I am not literally jealous. But after Aaron and I watched the show together he was like, "what are you thinking." I said, "well I was wondering what crime I could commit that would land me in there for a bit of rest and reflection."

That is how I feel. I am just so ready for some time just to process. I feel I go all day and then put the kids in bed and it's my time to start "thinking." Instead what happens is that my brain totally shuts down. There is no processing. Then the next day it starts all over again. What am I needing to process? Well I may put it in numbered form because I haven't processed it....

1. Parenting the boys. We really are getting to an age with them that they need to start trying a little harder in doors to act like civilized humans.

2. We want to get out of debt. How do we do that?

3. We are talking about moving. How do we get moving towards that process?

4. School is going well but this months worth of classes is rough.

5. My "need" to start relaxing. How in the world do I accomplish that?

6. Adjusting to all the 'new' ways I am supposed to sit, stand, sleep, so as not to cause permanent nerve damage.

7. The preschool we should put Liam in...The neurologist believes he needs to be somewhere.

8. Helping Liam. We have seen a neurologist and are on a waiting list to go to the Thompson center.

You know what I think I will expand on number 8. Liam is a very very bright boy! Anyone who meets him is smitten! He is very bright and very sweet. BUT if you know him well enough or have spent enough time around him you can see that something is "off" really only my parents and my older sister, have "witnessed" what we are talking about. Aaron and I see it all the time as his parents. We would struggle because anytime we talk to Doctors and friends, family etc. they all say Oh he is doing so well. Listen to his verbal skills. I get so discouraged because I think "yes he is doing well but something isn't right." Well after seeing the neurologist, I, for the first time left very encouraged. She like all the others was super impressed with Liam's verbal skills and other things he is doing, but after being in there for an hour and talking with us about why we were seeking her help she gave us some insight as to what is going on. I want to right a whole post on it. I believe that some, if not most of what is going on with our little boy, has to do with his "story." But because of everything we have been through and the stress that has accompanied everything, I want to share our journey as we go through this process. I know there are other families in the same boat and I want to help them as I see God helping us and our little man.

Well I am going to wrap up with why I want the R&R prison provides. My boys are super active and literally from (on a good day) 6:30 on they hit the ground running. They are emotionally, physically and I have found spiritually exhausting. Last night on the car ride home, as I contemplated Aaron dropping me off on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, so that I could enjoy some quiet, I told God I was tired of not knowing how to parent the boys. I am so humbled when I think back on the days when my oldest was 2 or 3 and I really thought I had it all together. I really thought I knew what I was doing, and I felt I was doing a pretty stinkin good job! Now I am tired of feeling like I am always "guessing" and "adjusting." I asked God why in so many times of weakness and struggle I felt like I couldn't see Him. Then Job popped into my brain I remember how so many of his friends said "curse God and die." Now I know this seems dramatic but lets just say it was rough day, a rough car ride home, and well it was that time of the month. But I still couldn't do it. I couldn't tell God I was done. I couldn't tell God he had made a mistake. I couldn't give in. I wanted rest and I wanted relief but I couldn't do it. So I put a worship song in...I have to admit this isn't always my style, but I did it. Then I flipped through the CD and just picked a number...here is what I got....you can't tell me God isn't listening:)

"Oh Lord my God when I in awesome wonder, consider all thy works thy hand has made..." I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, and they power throughout out the universe displayed...Then sings my soul. My savior God to thee. How great Thou art. How great thou art. Then sings my Soul my savior God to thee How great Thou art how, How great Thou art."