Thoughts

So I am supposed to be crawling into bed. That is so weird that we say crawling...I would not crawl I would walk and then somewhat leap/fall into bed. Anyway I just have a lot on my mind. A lot. I had my CT scan today. I didn't find out any results. I will find them out hopefully monday but possibly Tuesday is my guess. I keep thinking how much I want them to call and say everything is fine. Then there is the practical side of me that wants them to see something so we can figure out why my shoulder is swelling, why I am so tired and I continue to lose more and more feeling in my arm and now some of my neck.

I had a lot of reflection time today as I made the drive to and from my appointment. I felt okay going alone until I laid down on the table. Then a moment of sheer panic went through me. I wondered what if I am allergic to the dye? What if something bad happens? What if it really hurts and I cry. By it really hurting I just meant the IV part. As the tech was setting stuff up and I was "alone" in the room, it was almost as if I heard God say "but you aren't alone, you trust me to hold your babies, trust me to hold you too." From that moment on I can't say I wasn't "scared." I was scared with hope. Meaning, I was scared but I knew it wasn't my job to need to be brave or to fake it, or force myself to feel something I wasn't. I let God be brave for me. I have to tell you after about 2 min. I was totally fine. I might have even gotten a little arrogant at how well I was doing.

It's fine if I sound like a weirdo or a baby but when it comes to stuff with me I don't usually think about it until it is the exact moment i am in it. Then it hits me kind of a "hey this is kinda scary..."

On the way home I really got thinking. What if everything isn't okay? When it is your baby whom you are worried about nothing else matters. I mean nothing. During this time it has been me...everything else still matters. My husband matters, my kids matter, my school matters, housework matters. How does being sick fit in that? Guess we will cross that bridge if we have to.

You know it's funny I've been thinking a lot lately about God's love. See I have always been the type of person who gets the just side of God. I get the all powerful, all knowing, but I don't understand the love part. To be honest I sometimes question how it is that I am a Christian. I want nothing more than to please God yet all I do is fail. So many times Christians (or at least a lot of the ones I know.) Get the Love side of God. There is so many books and songs and such that sings about the love of God. I'm a "my God is so Big so strong and so mighty there is nothing my God cannot do.." Kinda girl. Lead me into war God... But when you start talking about God loving me I am so humbled by how much I don't deserve it. Which I know is what makes his gift of eternal life that much sweeter. It makes me so grateful to know that God's Grace is sufficient. I used to pray that God would give me his wisdom and his holy spirit so that I could do everything right as a parent. But within the last six months I have started praying that God would give me strength to stay strong and consistent and that his Grace would fill in where I am week.

Sorry back to the God's love part...So I struggle with conceptualizing this. Today God gave me a really sweet reminder that I am his little girl whom he loves very much. I felt small and scared, alone in the big room with a machine, that had a hole that apparently I was going in head first. Then they pulled out the needle and plastic tube that they were putting in my arm. I actually said "Oh I didn't realize you used that, I am going to need a minute." I just felt little and scared (anyone would feel small looking at this machine:). I realized that my preparedness my take control, and the bull by the horns attitude has been hindering my ability to be loved on by my heavenly father. Who happens to think I am precious. It was nice to have those few hours of vulnerability and trusting God with my weakness. Let's just say he didn't let me down:)