Great are thy mercies they are new every morning

Have you ever been in a situation where you continued to pray for God to move and you felt like he wasn't? So you pray again and again and again for God to move and you feel like He isn't going to? That is how the last 4 months have been for me. Yesterday was the pinnacle. I told Aaron that I just felt like I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't keep trying, I couldn't make it better. I felt helpless and like a failure. I have felt this way numerous times in the past four months and it was during those moments I would pray for God to miraculously make it better. Well yesterday I told Aaron I couldn't understand why God wasn't moving, why he wasn't making it better. I asked him why he had picked me for Liam's mom if it meant that I was just going to fail. My moment of weakness and total brokenness turned into a beautiful picture of my husband reading scripture to me and praying for and with me. Aaron and I pray every night (if we go to bed at the same time) while in bed. It is almost always Aaron that prays. We also pray as a family at meals, and before car rides well you get the picture. This was different. It was first of all spontaneous prayer (which I love) and it was driven by my husbands desire to help me but knowing that he was not sufficient in this moment he turned me to the one he knew could, will and is fixing it. When our beautiful and peaceful moment was over I didn't jump up and say "you fixed it!" I also didn't 'feel' any better or different. But without knowing why I did suggest we all get out of the house and go to the park. We then had the most amazing family night. We flew kites and we topped of the evening pushing our boys on the swings ( all of this was scream free on the part of Liam:). I fell asleep fast last night. I was up with Wesley and Liam coughing but neither of them woke up, which was a blessing and gave me a much better nights sleep then I have had in a while. God blessed me this morning with a fabulous conversation with a new but now very dear friend. To me our conversation was priceless. I got off of the phone feeling affirmed and empowered. I have often wondered if Liam's screams are behavioral, not behavioral in a poor attached traumatized type of way but just a behavior a behavior that he learned and had reinforced the 6mo. he wasn't with us. I still don't know 100% that I am right but my maternal instincts have been leaning in that direction the whole time. I guess my inability to just assume that and move forward was a small fear that it was something medical. I spent the whole weekend and last week sitting back and just evaluating Liam, watching him before after and during the times when he would scream. The more I have watched the more sure I have become that I really feel like part of his issue(if not all) is behavior. At first this scared me more then something medical or even an attachment problem. With something medical we would know what was wrong, attachment stuff well it would be hard but we would know what to do there also. Behavioral well that to me was a different story. Behavioral would involve me (us including Wes) being very very consistent. Something I am finding to be hard with 2 kids. It would also involve us being very intentional and on the ball. I felt very very weary and knowing this was going to take a die hard driven attitude on my part seemed in the moment impossible. Aaron and I were able to talk with a behaviorist today and well lets just say we are starting off our week more encouraged and empowered then we have felt in a long long time. We also got a phone call from Liam's doctor today telling us that Little lee lee's blood came back perfect! All things and I mean all things they tested him for came back neg. Praise God. We are scheduled with the neurologist next week.I used to be in a place where I was praying someone would call and give us answers. After today every time tests prove negative it is one step confirming this this is behavioral and one step closer to us helping Liam. We have already started working with him and in just the few hours we have worked today we are feeling a renewed since of hope! Thanks for all of the prayers. It was a huge blessing and such an answer to my prayer of feeling so alone. God really used so many of you to show me he has been moving in mighty ways these last four months I just haven't been able to see it. Our God is good though and even though I can't see what he is doing right now He did give me the assurance that I am neither alone nor forsaken!