Mom guilt

I have always been an over analytical mom. I don't take my decisions concerning my children lightly. Once I make a decision the analyzing doesn't stop there. NO I watch and analyze the results. I ask myself: Did that work? How are the kids responding? Will I do this again in the future? Etc. You get the idea. I try to be lighthearted. I try to let some things go...and don't get me wrong I can be impulsive and spontaneous and fun, I just don't care for surprises and I like a plan...When we had Wesley things were super structured. I worked very hard to put him on a schedule and we stuck to it. We rarely fudged on bedtimes. I also was kind of anal about how much he ate, what kinds of foods, etc. If we were at a store and his pacifier fell out instead of putting it in my mouth to clean it off and then handing it back (human mouths are dirty...uh pretend I didn't just share that:) I had back up pacifiers. I used cart covers so Wes didn't put the cart handle in his mouth... When did I loosen up? I can remember the day perfectly. We were at walmart: I was trying to keep Wesley happy but at the same time look for a particular item. I was looking on the bottom shelf and so I let Wes get out of the cart to "help me." I find the item about the same time that I realize it has gotten very quiet. I look over and Wesley is licking the floor of Walmart. Just licking it. That is when it dawned on me...I can work my butt of to keep this kid safe, happy, healthy etc. and he is going to make choices that will totally undue all of my anal hard work. So instead of working harder I loosened up. No more cart covers! Yeah so I didn't loosen up that much, well not until Wes became a toddler. I started to see he can just eat cake for dinner on occasion and survive. He also can have a nap or bedtime interrupted (and I will pay the consequences) but life will go on. I was just starting to loosen up and Liam came along.

What changed for Liam? EVERYTHING. When there is two that are 3 years apart there is a lot that just can't be done. For example nap times. Yikes balancing nap times and Wes's pre-school schedule and grocery shopping, and bible study, and other errands. Yes there was a lot more loosening up I had to do to survive.

One area I have not loosened up on (but I am trying to let go of) is over analyzing decisions that emotionally affect my children. For example whether or not Wesley should go to Kindergarten this year. That decision was seriously 2 years in the making and man this summer I lost sleep over it.

With Liam it's different. I struggle all the time with how I should be parenting him. When Liam came home he presented issues that I had never dealt with before, as I am sure many parents could say about their second child. But with Liam it was more then that. I struggle and struggled all the time with how do I help him overcome his struggles. How do I be the Mom he needs and not just the mom I know how to be. I would cry and pray for Wisdom. I would lay face down on the floor, at times, praying God would give me wisdom. Sometimes these prayers were cried out pure exhaustion and just wanting relief and answers. But most of the time these prayers have come out of I don't want to see my baby hurt. I don't want to see him struggle so hard with life. I see him hurting and not able to express his hurt. I want him to feel safe and secure and be able to move beyond whatever is holding him back. I have felt mom guilt with both of my children at different times and for different reasons. I would have to say that the #1 reason I have felt mom guilt with Liam is that I couldn't be perfect. I know that probably sounds dumb, but I as his mom I wanted to be exactly who he needed all of the time. Never failing. Always knowing. Because I could and can tell that there is something more troubling Liam then just whatever stage of life he was in I hurt so bad that I couldn't fix it. I put a lot of blame on myself that I didn't know what to do.

Well when we reached out for answers and had the appointment with the neurologist I felt we have been on the right path. I am seeing a change in Liam I never saw before (I really want to write about that but I am realizing this post is getting super long and I need to pick up Wes from kindergarten, so I will save it for another time). I was starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel and felt like we were going to learn how to help Liam. Well in order to help Liam things have definitely gotten worse behaviorally for him (as they should, worse before better). Aaron and I are exhausted and running on E. But we see the light and it is getting brighter and so we press on. Well yesterday the boys had a well visit with the pediatrician that I had in the past decided we would not be seeing anymore. Well anyway it's been almost 2 years and I thought maybe enough time had gone by that we should give the Dr. a shot again and take the boys for their well visits. BOY WAS I WRONG. When asked how Liam was doing, I explained (over Liam screaming and writhing in my arms) that he has had behavioral issues but that we had seen a neurologist and were getting answers and working with him. She looks at me and looks at him and says: "what kind of behavioral issues?" I start to give examples, she tells me those are examples of a normal 2 year old. Then she tells me kids only throw fits for 1 of 3 reasons, tired, hungry, and I don't even remember the 3rd because at this point I realized she was clueless (about my child). I said well lets take Sunday for example: Liam had woke up after sleeping 12 hours, had a full breakfast and I said Liam lets go brush your teeth. That is when things went to hell emotionally for him and never and I mean never recovered, to the point that him and Daddy had to stay home so that I could leave and teach Sunday school. She looked at me and said, "no you need to be more observant." Then she asks how we handle Liam when he acts like he is (since he was crying and screaming and throwing himself on the ground). I said "well we used to put him in his bed till he could calm down. Now after learning what we have been learning from a book I am reading (I will give title and author) and the neurologist we are trying a new approach. If he seems inconsolable I hold him and rock him and I rub his hair and face and tell him he is safe and mommy loves him. Or If it seems like he can move on then I tell him to stop it and ignore the behavior." She said "you need to work harder at distracting him before he starts the fit." Then she looked right at me and said "You know you are the cause of this behavior...."

So I have to go. We will call this post part one. There will be more to come. And the best part is that in the midst of struggling and wanting to see God's love for me I got to see his hand move in a big way yesterday...

Liam's prognosis

So we after a year and half are starting to discover a little of what could be going on in our brown bear's precious life. Liam is a bright boy and a sweetheart, but there has always been this sadness or extreme emotion/reaction not suiting to the situation. In public places Liam can become very loud and difficult to control. After almost 2 years of doctors appointments, tears, prayers, exhaustion and frustration, we think we might be headed in the right direction. After visiting a neurologist she confirmed that Liam's abandonment at birth and then living in an orphanage (as amazing as HH was) this has had dramatic affects on the wiring of his sweet brain. So what in the world did I just say? Basically Liam becomes overstimulated easily. He has sensory issues. In the neurologists words we need to not look at his progress based on an average standard. We have to look at where he is at in terms of where he came from. So as discouraged as I felt (when I was thinking of all the times I was frustrated or short with Li Li and to know it wasn't behavioral but insecurity) she praised us as parents at how well Liam is doing. She said for a child to have experienced what he experienced and to be as high functioning and bright as Liam, something was done right at some point. I am not in anyway bragging. No no my friend you would know that from all of my previous posts in which there was an outpouring of failures on my part. No I tell it to you because I realized instead of looking at what we have done right for Liam and how he is who he is because he is our son...I was always looking at where I failed him and how much further we had to go. So to you moms out there reading this...give yourself permission to think of God's Grace and the ways he has blessed you and the ways you have done right by your kids.

So what does this prognosis mean? Well she recommended that we get Liam in a preschool where he was being socialized, evaluated, assessed etc. We got him into a private christian school (thank you mom and dad). Although I really struggled with the decision (both of my kids in school and I'm at home...) the day I found out my little boys teacher was African American I knew this was ordained by God.

What are we gaining from him being there? Well so far...he has a lot more structure to his day. He learns to play and get along with other kids (besides his brother). We can see if he is functioning at a level with his peers. We are also seeing him adjust to a social situation (cries when we drop him off) (happy when we pick him up). We are seeing that he can handle being away and then how he responds when he is back home. As of right now he has been crazy when he gets home. But his eye contact is amazing and he loves snuggling his momma (which lately has not been in short supply). Liam seems advanced in verbal and motor skills but behind in emotionally coping. I have changed his discipline a little. For the most part I hold him when he is throwing a fit and tell him he is safe and I love him. These cry/screaming fits can last 30-45 minutes. But I do see them getting shorter in general. There are some things I do give him a swat on his diapered bunnies. Judge me if you want but I do feel that for a toddler there are times that a swat is the answer. It is done in love and he seems to move on the quickest from this form of discipline (one time he even laughed (uh oh)). So that is where we are at.

So we have arrived. Where did we arrive? Well let's walk through this...

As I walked in the door with Wesley after our "date" I payed the babysitter, went to the bathroom, and I hear hysterical laughing. What do I come out to find? Liam has grabbed Wesley's half full cup of sprite and thrown it across the floor where it naturally explodes on the kitchen floor and naturally some of the carpet in the living room. Does this qualify as arriving? No, what does, is that when Liam saw my look of shock and I think pure exhaustion he runs into the kitchen saying "I sorry Mommy, and grabs a towel and sits down on the floor next to the mess and starts "wiping it up." You would have thought he graduated from college. I was smiling and dancing and slapping high fives, and clapping and laughing. It was so precious to see such a kind gesture come from someone so deeply rooted in the terrible two's.

If adults were children

I looked really hard for a picture of one of the boys doing something that would be socially inappropriate for an adult to do. This seemed to be the only one appropriate for the internet. Wes was about 18mo. Can you imagine if we as adults were just sitting at the table eating, and we just decided to pull our shirt over our head in order to finish the meal? haha!

I was contemplating today what it would be like if I acted like my kids for a day. Let me rephrase that, maybe if I had the freedom my kids had, you know to do socially inappropriate things and it totally not matter.

This idea hit me when the boys and I were running errands. We were in the car and I had just tried to call Aaron to see where our bank account was...before I ran the errands. Wesley, being ever so curious wanted to know what the message was that I left on Daddy's phone.

Here is our conversation:

Me: "I asked Daddy if he got paid."

Wesley: what does he get paid for?

Me: well you know when Daddy flies his airplane?

Wesley: yes

Me: well daddy has a company and they pay him for flying them.

Wesley: why do we need to get paid?

Me: Well you know how we go to the grocery store?

Wesley: Mom could you be Lava girl? Then I will be shark boy?

Me (a little caught off guard): Sure

Wesley: okay so now we can keep talking...

I mean can you imagine if we as adults were just listening to someone talk and we started to feel a little bored. So instead of patiently waiting till the conversation ends, we just interrupt and ask the person talking to pretend to be a more exciting character. Yes envisioning me as lava girl and Wesley as shark boy, did set the scene for the rest of our conversation to be much more exciting.

Here is another instance when I wondered what it would be like if I acted like a kid. Earlier today Wesley had a costume on. He then decided to take it off and was going about the rest of his day in his underwear. As the time for me to leave for school approached I knew the boys babysitter was coming and so I said "Wesley would you like to put cloths on?" Wesley: "Nope." so I said "Wesley Miss Julie will see you in your underwear.." to which he replied "I don't mind." Sure enough he sat on the floor playing trains.

To which I am thinking...really. You don't mind. Hmmm. I can see it now. I am in my underwear. Aaron tells me that we have dinner guests coming over. I tell him I will stay in my underwear because I don't mind...

Or in Liam's case:

Aaron made him food. I put it on his tray and promptly put his hands down at his sides and said: Mommy I no like it! (in his random southern accent).

So there I sit at a friends dinner party. They have slaved for hours over the meal, before even trying a bite I put my arms under, shake my head vigorously, close my eyes and say, " I don't like it."

Or and yes here comes the bathroom humor (no I am not above any funny potty talk!)

Wesley on his 3rd birthday we were eating at a nicer restaurant with some company. Wesley announces loudly he has to poop. After Daddy and Wesley reappear he looks right at the Waiter and says I pooped and it was huge huge HUGE!!!! and grins from ear to ear.

Yeah I don't even have to give you the visual for what it would be like if an adult did that. To some degree you may know from having a husband (hehehehe)....

Oh to be a child!

Light hearted or deep and heavy

It seems 90% of my day is light hearted and funny. These boys really keep me rolling! So why if 90% of my day is light hearted am I so compelled to write about the deep and heavy? I guess it's because that is the stuff I am having such a hard time processing. Well this isn't deep or heavy in a negative way just a thought.

Aaron and I both heard a really amazing week long series done on focus on the family. All in all we came away from it with a strong desire to live as if the comfort of this world truly doesn't matter. Now don't get me wrong...I have the air conditioner on, I am sitting at a lap top typing, and we buy as much food as we need to be full. I am just talking about the big picture (which refines us to change the smaller details). Aaron and I were talking about what it would look like if we lived like God was preparing us for something huge. We were talking about how much we both have a heart for mission work (both state side and overseas). We talked about what it would mean to start a ministry. We don't even know how to go about it. God has always given me a passion for teens and especially teen moms. I want so badly to start an organization that teaches young mom's, not only parenting skills, but also helps them work cooperatively with the school to finish. Not only high school but to go on to college. I would want to model the program after a program I heard about in Gurney Illinois called Teen Mother Choices. Aaron and I talked about what it would look like to work towards that goal. Aaron has always had a heart for helping and supporting Dads. He feels Dads really play a big role in the life of their kids and he wants to set up a program for giving guidance and support for young Dads.

So it's all just in the dreaming phase, one thing we know for sure is that we need to get out of debt. We have school debt and man it would be nice to be debt free. Once we have a plan for getting out of debt and I am closer to being done with school we are going to start taking steps into what could and will be the biggest adventure of our lives. Scary thing is...I don't even know the first thing about how to go about doing this....So that should make it interesting!

Do you ever?

Disclaimer: I am totally hopped up on Benadryl which is my ticket on the looney train...

So super random picture. Just found it and I was laughing so hard. Literally it looks like my stomach will fall off!

*Do you ever get really stressed when you have a male doctor and your hands get all sweaty, and the harder you try to be normal the more sweaty you get? ...no?...okay so bad opener.

*Do you ever wonder why boys get to pee standing up?

*Do you watch reality shows just so you can feel better about yourself or your situation?

*Do you ever wonder why we as humans hurry up just to wait?

*Speeding just to end up waiting at a stop light.

*Rushing to pick your food from the menu only to sit and wait FOREVER...

*Hurrying to start a family only to wait till they can move out (hahahaha)

*Speeding through adoption paperwork on numerous occasions just to wait (killer!)

*If you have boys (especially toddler) do you ever contemplate how similar your house is to a frat house?

*Constant eating

*Constant bodily noises: AT ALL TIMES!

*The toilet seat is almost always up

*People don't flush/ not because they forget but because they are so proud of what was left in the toilet!

*Someone (liam) Grabs my boob at some point (the middle of walmart) and screams Momma booby over and over and louder and louder (as he is, excuse me, squeezing it)

*Waking up with a naked boy in your bed (see an earlier post where someone decided to crawl in my bed to "snuggle" but really needed their butt wiped).

*Boys peeing at random (whether in the house at a toilet or not...)

Man as much as I wish I had a manual for those boys and as much as I kill myself trying, I love those boys and am so happy to be there mom! It isn't always fun but man it just works and I am so blessed to be doing what I do! Even if I do fall in the toilet because it's dark and someone didn't put the toilet seat down...

So if you haven't wondered any of these things maybe you are now. If not tell me a "Do you ever.....?"

Jealous of the women in cell block 6

So Aaron and I were watching this show on TLC called women of cell block 6. It's kind of a detention center/jail were women are held but not in actual prison. It seems like a lot of them are waiting for sentencing, waiting for parole waiting for something. So why in the world am I jealous. Well as you all have probably guessed by now I am super sarcastic. So I am not literally jealous. But after Aaron and I watched the show together he was like, "what are you thinking." I said, "well I was wondering what crime I could commit that would land me in there for a bit of rest and reflection."

That is how I feel. I am just so ready for some time just to process. I feel I go all day and then put the kids in bed and it's my time to start "thinking." Instead what happens is that my brain totally shuts down. There is no processing. Then the next day it starts all over again. What am I needing to process? Well I may put it in numbered form because I haven't processed it....

1. Parenting the boys. We really are getting to an age with them that they need to start trying a little harder in doors to act like civilized humans.

2. We want to get out of debt. How do we do that?

3. We are talking about moving. How do we get moving towards that process?

4. School is going well but this months worth of classes is rough.

5. My "need" to start relaxing. How in the world do I accomplish that?

6. Adjusting to all the 'new' ways I am supposed to sit, stand, sleep, so as not to cause permanent nerve damage.

7. The preschool we should put Liam in...The neurologist believes he needs to be somewhere.

8. Helping Liam. We have seen a neurologist and are on a waiting list to go to the Thompson center.

You know what I think I will expand on number 8. Liam is a very very bright boy! Anyone who meets him is smitten! He is very bright and very sweet. BUT if you know him well enough or have spent enough time around him you can see that something is "off" really only my parents and my older sister, have "witnessed" what we are talking about. Aaron and I see it all the time as his parents. We would struggle because anytime we talk to Doctors and friends, family etc. they all say Oh he is doing so well. Listen to his verbal skills. I get so discouraged because I think "yes he is doing well but something isn't right." Well after seeing the neurologist, I, for the first time left very encouraged. She like all the others was super impressed with Liam's verbal skills and other things he is doing, but after being in there for an hour and talking with us about why we were seeking her help she gave us some insight as to what is going on. I want to right a whole post on it. I believe that some, if not most of what is going on with our little boy, has to do with his "story." But because of everything we have been through and the stress that has accompanied everything, I want to share our journey as we go through this process. I know there are other families in the same boat and I want to help them as I see God helping us and our little man.

Well I am going to wrap up with why I want the R&R prison provides. My boys are super active and literally from (on a good day) 6:30 on they hit the ground running. They are emotionally, physically and I have found spiritually exhausting. Last night on the car ride home, as I contemplated Aaron dropping me off on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, so that I could enjoy some quiet, I told God I was tired of not knowing how to parent the boys. I am so humbled when I think back on the days when my oldest was 2 or 3 and I really thought I had it all together. I really thought I knew what I was doing, and I felt I was doing a pretty stinkin good job! Now I am tired of feeling like I am always "guessing" and "adjusting." I asked God why in so many times of weakness and struggle I felt like I couldn't see Him. Then Job popped into my brain I remember how so many of his friends said "curse God and die." Now I know this seems dramatic but lets just say it was rough day, a rough car ride home, and well it was that time of the month. But I still couldn't do it. I couldn't tell God I was done. I couldn't tell God he had made a mistake. I couldn't give in. I wanted rest and I wanted relief but I couldn't do it. So I put a worship song in...I have to admit this isn't always my style, but I did it. Then I flipped through the CD and just picked a number...here is what I got....you can't tell me God isn't listening:)

"Oh Lord my God when I in awesome wonder, consider all thy works thy hand has made..." I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, and they power throughout out the universe displayed...Then sings my soul. My savior God to thee. How great Thou art. How great thou art. Then sings my Soul my savior God to thee How great Thou art how, How great Thou art."