Spiritual accountability

So I have been thinking a lot about spiritual accountability. What does it look like? I ask this because I know that our personal walk with God can be so intimate but at the same time as humans and dealing with our flesh we can need a prompting from a fellow believer. I will be totally honest with you...I really struggle with my daily devotion. I mean I struggle with the fact that I don't have one. I really want an accountability partner but at the same time I don't know how to go about asking for one. Well last week I decided that I needed to start my day off with God. If I am looking to him for my strength all day then I need to be arming myself with the Word. I know that I have the Holy Spirit but I also have to trust that God has spoken to me through his word and I can pull from that throughout the day. Well until I figure out this accountability partner issue I want to post my devo. for today. My goal would be to post it every day but well it has been a big deal for me to be reading everyday let alone turning on the computer and posting so we will see. Here it is... From My Utmost for His Highest. Reference I kings 19:5 This verse is talking about Elijah fearing for his life and basically hiding out in the wilderness. The Lord provides food for him. The title of today's devo. TAKING THE INITIATIVE AGAINST DEPRESSION: It is talking about how all of us have the capacity for depression. If we didn't we would not be human. Whenever we examine ourselves we need to take into account our capacity for depression. The Spirit of God comes to us, just as it did to Elijah. Not with glorious visions but in the most ordinary things imaginable. (He fed Elijah). We are being prompted to look for the Holy Spirit leading us instinctively to do something. This reminds me of something wise my MIL told me about. She was diagnosed with an illness that takes a lot of adjustment and trusting God to deal with. She talked to me about gathering Manna. How we so often try to gather our manna and look to prepare ourselves for the future. We worry about things days, weeks, months ahead. We gather our worries or "manna" for the future. All our manna gathered for the future spoils. Just like when we worry about tomorrow it spoils our day or causes worry and stress over something we are not even guaranteed to have. We need to gather and prepare for today the moment we are in. Taking each moment for what it is and trusting that God has given us the grace and fruit we need to handle that moment.

My little brown bear and the vanilla one too:)

Basically I think kids go through phases. I think just when you think you have hit phase and moved on I think you quickly can find yourself back in the midst of it again. One phase I have seen Liam go through and move out of and go back into is temper issues. I do feel like he does relax and we will be there for a few weeks and then spend a month or two working through things that don't feel like "normal" toddler issues. I understand that I am probably reading to much into things but I almost feel like as long as I keep myself in check it might not be such a bad thing. I mean seriously a person can drive themselves insane playing the what if game. I have come to the conclusion that I will do what works best for Liam and the rest of the family. We can't treat Liam like he is our only child because he is not. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God planned it that way for a reason. I know he wanted Liam to be the younger brother or else he would have worked it out that Liam would have been placed in another family.But he didn't he is in ours and if I trust God he will equip us to be the best parents for liam and Wesley. It may take a lot more growing on our part as parents and it may take a lot more adjusting on Liam and Wesley's part. All I know is God does not make mistakes and I see proof of that in my family. I still think back on how there were a couple of people who did not think that God wanted Aaron and I together for whatever reason. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Aaron chose me and I chose him and God has blessed our relationship. The interesting part on that story is I had been warned ahead of time(while I was on a mission trip) that I would face a lot of spiritual warfare when I returned home. They warned us that it would be in the area that we struggled the most to trust God. Boy did they peg that one! Anyway I think Satan was just scared because he didn't want to see another couple united under the umbrella of salvation. On another note and why I am actually writing a post was to talk about the boys;)Even in the midst of learning how to parent and trust God in the midst of feeling clueless I have to trust that we will make it through. So back to what I was saying before about cycles. So I mentioned how liam seems to cycle through emotional behaviors. Well Wes seems to cycle through Physical regressions. Here are a couple of examples: It was time to get Wesley out of quiet read time: M: Wesley what is on your hand W: I got a little marker on it I should wash it in the sink. M: I think that is a good idea.... Wesley goes to the bathroom while I pick up... M: Wesley what is all over snuggie(his very special bear) W: I little bit of marker... M: (noticing his mouth) Wes what is all over your mouth? (I begin to pull his sleaves up and pant legs etc.) Wes what is all over you? W: (big grin) I markered myself! And when I was kissing snuggie I got it on his jamies... I proceed to discover marker on his belly, all over his arms and legs, and yes folks even his crack.... I wanted to be mad but it was next to impossible once I saw the marker trail heading down into his southern cheeks.. Second: I was sleeping. wesley runs into my room (it's 6:30) M: Hi baby did you just wake up? W: no mom I was awake for awhile. I cut my school picture up and seperated my friends on who is bossy and who isn't. He then proceeds to shower me with all the pictures of his friends who appearantly aren't bossy. Hmmmm! Don't leave wesley alone and tread on thin ice with Liam:)Lessons learned!I love how they make me laugh.

Life is precious

Life is precious~ I understand why it often takes an illness or tragic event for us to puzzle over just how precious life is. It just makes me sad that in between these moments in time we often live our lives taking for granted the people around us we love a lot. When Aaron and I were in college we saw a good friend burried due to a car accident. After we were married about two years we saw 2 other good friends(brothers) and their father burried due to a car accident. It was after this tragic event that I got a little anxious about Aaron driving or flying. There were so many times when he was in pilot training or was flight instructing that I thought he was supposed to be home at a certain time and minutes would turn into hours before I would hear from him. There was one night in particular where I can remember he was supposed to be somewhere by a certain time and during that time a quick moving storm system had moved into the area. The power in the house was coming and going and tornado sirens were sounding. I was so scared something had happened to Aaron 2 1/2 hours of wondering before I found out he was okay but that he had been through quite a ride. In those moments of fear I would often (foolishly) allow myself to "go there." you know the place you go when you start assuming the worse. I would wonder what I would do. How would I continue to be a mom. How would God help me breath after something so horrible? My sister and I would often have conversations about this. Conversations about the dreaded phone call, and then still functioning in life for our childrens sake and how would we do it. I know I cannot fathom the peace that God would give and I know I can't imagine the breath God would have to breath into my lungs to help me get through the first painful moments(days years) I know I can't imagine it because I don't need that peace or understanding right now. It's not a journey I am walking and I know if I had to walk it that GOD's GRACE IS ALL SUFFICIENT! Well my sister did get the dreaded phone call yesterday. The phone call in which some strange person calls your home interrupting your world of normal and asks you if you are "susie smith?" You say yes wondering who this is and what they are selling. THen the dreaded sets in the next sentence delivers life changing impact. "We have your husband in the ER there has been an accident." I don't know how she felt, I don't know what her next thoughts were or how she functioned all I know is that God was with her. As I talked with her throughout the day and evening I could tell there was a guard holding up. She was staying so strong so she could process and do what she needed to do as a wife and a mom and she did it. I was so proud of her. Every time I got off the phone I was in awe at the things she had thought of. Of the boundries she was setting (giving herself room and time to think). Of thinking of and moving her kids to where they needed to be. She is my hero and again I am so proud of her. My brother in law by the Grace of God is alive. He is injured and his body is broken but he is alive and healing. I am so thankful that God protected him and my sister and my neices and nephew. So I just wanted to leave you with this thought. Life is precious. Don't let anyone leave with unresolved anger or hurt. You just never no when it will be the last time.

Beating a dead horse And I am officially a Grad student!!!!

Seriously I do not mean to beat a dead horse, although sometimes I do wish there was a dead horse in the back yard for me to beat. Please don't notify PETA I love animals and I don't wish death upon them. I am merely saying if there happened to be a horse who by chance died of say natural causes and it happened to somehow be drug into my backyard where I happen to see it and in the midst of my frustration was able to use it as a punching bag it might be a good outlet. Although after that somewhat graphic explanation I feel a little nauseous. I digress... Please tell me what is normal 18mo behavior? When Wes was 18mo I remember (barely) feeling like I was going to lose my mind because he was unbelievably busy and into EVERYTHING. Example: One afternoon while running through the house like a mad woman trying to clean like crazy(I believe we were having company)I stepped out of Wesley's sight for 1 sec...Okay maybe 30 sec. but seriously under a minute, and when I walked back into the room he had found a tube of sun screen(I don't even know where he got it) and had squeezed it all over our kitchen bench and had slathered it all over the kitchen floor. He seriously did things like this ALL THE TIME! Okay so I remember some issues but I just don't remember all the screaming and crying that Liam does in a 12 hour period (the other 12 he is asleep:). Everything makes my little man cry EVERYTHING. I have been really thankful for our adoption list serve because there have been others who have started opening up about some of their own struggles with their newly entered toddlers. Apparently screaming hitting fit throwing are all totally normal. I also got some good advice as far as how to handle Liam when he is in the middle of his angry tantrum. Well my friends I got to practice this such advice a few short hours of reading it. I had to take Wesley to the Doctor. Here is how the conversation went before we left: W:Mom when are we leaving for the doctor? M: As soon as I get brother up from his nap. W: Aww mom we have to bring him? M: Of course he's your brother and he can't stay home alone. W:But mom he is so loud. M: He is not so loud and he will be fine. FAMOUS LAST WORDS So I put liam in the stroller and Wes, Liam and I walk in. WE get to sit in the well side of the waiting room and I decided we could be there for 2 hours waiting so I let LIam out of the stroller to play with Wes(who of course was begging me to let Liam out so that they could play(he really loves his brother). So I Got Liam out of the stroller and he decides he wants to push his stroller around the waiting room. Totally fine we are the only ones in there. Well to my surprise they call us back in like 10 min. So I grab the hats, gloves, coats, not to mention the pen and 5 pieces of paper and clip board they give you when you first walk in the door, plus I am trying to help Liam who can't see over his stroller push it into the hall, AND I am trying to encourage Wesley to move forward because he has just decided he is shy. Well we get 2 feet into the doorway and the @#$% hit the fan. I don't remember if I touched the stroller or if Wes did or what. None of us had the intent of taking the stroller away from him, but that was his perception and he hit the deck. I mean flung himself back ward bumped the wall losing his balance and landing on his butt which he then flung himself the rest of the way back and through a fit. If I had a mute button he almost looked like he was trying to make a snow angel. Bring the volume back on it was not so serene. I panicked! I mean we were in public and around health officials. I couldn't decide what they thought was worse that he was throwing such a loud horrendous fit, that he was laying on a dirty doctors office floor, or that I proceeded to step over him. Yes you read that right. I stepped over him and kept walking. All I could think of when it happened was someone saying they ignore the tantrum and "step over the child." Well he got up followed us a few steps and threw himself back down. I continued to ignore him (while wes was being weighed in the hallway)(at this point there were 2 doctors and 3 nurses all staring at my hysterical son. When it was time to walk to our room I picked him up (He pinched, hit, scratched smacked me all the way to the room). When we got in the room a sat him in his stroller buckled him in and had it face the wall. He continued to scream our whole appointment. The ironic part was when the nurse asked us why we were in there: I said "He has been complaining of headaches." Seriously the nurse stared at me like "you wonder why." I tried the time out chair at home. Yeah it worked like five times and then on the sixth time he wouldn't let me get him out of the time out chair. Yeah he catches on real quick and once he catches on he is back in control. STRONG WILL??? To top things off he has just decided he doesn't want to eat. All he wants to eat is bread. He doesn't want to eat anything anymore. Everything is a fight. He used to be the best eater in the world(literally). I loved the way he was so excited to eat and enjoyed his food. NOw it is almost as if he has no appetite and when he does eat he begs for crackers and bread and of course milk....Is this normal? I mean I know they acquire a taste for food and what they do or do not like but is this more a battle of the wills like everything else has been or is this a genuine he doesn't like anything anymore? Oh and anymore discipline ideas for when we are say in the middle of the store and he can't have what he wants and he is screaming blood curdling screams. I can't do time out, I don't want to leave my cart and have to start over(besides I think he would like that to much). I have put my hand on his mouth and said shhh shhh Liam use quiet mouth. But even this activity gets raised eyebrows. Come on pour in the advice! Okay now here comes the shocker: I made it into Graduate school. It is 2 evenings a week and goes I think for 2 years. I am really excited and hope it works out with the family schedule.

Holidays

We had a wonderful Christmas...Wesley tore through presents while Liam cried through opening every single one. We eventually learned after about the 2nd present that we should stop forcing him to open his presents. We let Wesley open Liam's presents and Liam got to play with what was inside it was a perfect compromise! This Christmas was so different for me in so many ways. One way in particular was how we are in such a different place emotionally. Another way was my mindset on the day of Christmas itself. After reading the responses to my post on Christmas's and after mulling over the subject (probably too much:) I began to formulate my own ideas as to what the day of Christmas may look like as our boys get older. I heard a sermon shortly after my post about the shepherds having just seen and angel and a star in the distance. They had just received GOOD NEWS! He compared it to the fact that we so often consider evangelizing a burden or a specific phrase we have to say. When really we are sharing the joy of our good news. When you get a job promotion you share with enthusiasm and excitement your good news. Your excitement is contagious. Why should Christmas day be any different? For me Christmas had become about trying to wrap my brain around the great thing that was done of me on this day. Almost a burden I had placed on myself to not be to excited about the material side so that I could focus on what God did for us that day.I like the annalogy that if I had a cure for someone's termanal illness I would run at them with my life saving good news. Well that is what Christmas (and of course Easter) are reminders that we have the cure. We have the good news of eternal life. Well my friends then it dawned on me. What if the material side was part of the Spiritual side on Christmas. Follow me for a second. When you have a birthday there is good news and great joy. There is celebrating for all the people. The gifts, the food, the family gathering can all be a part of the celebration that Christ was born on this day. This probably sounds like a no brainer to most of you. But for me it really transformed my heart. I really had a sense of pure joy and excitement. I don't know Christmas was really real. Hope to share Christmas pics at some point... Need to hop off I have been watching Liam watch himself (filling his pants) in the mirror and then trying to feed his image berry berry kix....

This time last year and Merry Christmas!

So as I get on Blog world and read through peoples adoption blogs and posts I find myself becoming well somewhat Jekyll and Hyde. On one side I find myself being super happy and 'heart warmed' by others and their easy transition, and journey. On the other hand I want to give up. I want to shut down the blogging thing and move on. Why you may ask yourself? Well for starters: I have been super real on my blog and to me super real means the good(sometimes awesome!) the Bad and the down right ugly. So what does this get me? Well lets just say as I peruse(is this a word) other blogs you know the happy go lucky ....Glass half full and if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all...Yeah those blogs I look at them and see tons of responses. Everyone wants a happy story...Especially those who have not brought their little peanuts home. They want to read how the experience is awesome and the babies/kids are perfect. I remember before we brought Liam home if I read anything that was slightly glass half empty I would always shake my head pity the person and say "that won't be us." We know what to expect we have one kiddo already this will be cake. HA HA! What I didn't expect was how unprepared I truly was. I was unprepared to want personal space. I love how on one persons blog (who was shooting straight and I love it!) she said she was caught off guard when the child cried and she felt this sense of "where is this child's mother." It put into words something I really felt. There were so many times when Liam first cried or was super sick that I felt so distant from him because I didn't know how to make it better. I needed someone to tell me how to help him/comfort him. I felt responsible for causing any sadness/discomfort. I was taking him away from everything familiar. It did get better. I guess this has all been on my mind because I can't stop thinking about this time last year. Where we were emotionally, physically, spiritually. Man I/we were in such a different place. So here it is. You can follow all the blogs that are happy and perfect(I pray this is your experience I really really do). But just in case things blindside you like they did me...Just in case you are a little caught off guard I wanted to give you a little Christmas gift....It comes in the form of comfort and peace...and maybe a little story to go with it(you know me and my unbelievably long posts:) There were times when I would rock Liam to sleep and cry. Yes Cry. Cry and beg God that tomorrow would be different. I would pray that we could have just one day ONE DAY without his screaming. One day without me being frustrated, overwhelmed and feeling like a failure. I would often kiss my sleeping boy and lay him in his bed and then literally call out to God to not let Satan have a foot hold, to not leave me alone when I was struggling so hard with inadequacies. To not kick me once again while I was down. I was so lost and felt so alone. Liam and Wesley bring me the greatest joy and the greatest heart ache. My heart hurts as I learn to be a parent and accept my failures. I pray continually that God is sufficient in my weakness. I hold myself to a standard of perfection for those two boys because I love them so much I want to be the Mom I believe they deserve. Thus leading to my post adoption depression. I needed to just be. I needed to just be still and know that God was God. That I was specifically picked to be Liam's mother and Wesley's mother. Out of all the women in the universe God picked me to be their mother. Not just because of my good attributes but also my weaknesses. God knew my weakness and he knew his glory would shine through.(Thank you Lord for the Holy Spirit). Honestly sometimes I would call out to God and ask him where he was. Why this was so hard and such a challenge. In the end I see pieces of how God has moved and worked during that time. One big way is he brought people into my life who were needing encouragement post adoption. I also see how strong he grew Aaron and I. I had to rely on Aaron. I had to trust him and count on him. Aaron knew he I needed him and he did not let me down. I Love my husband so much and I see God was using this experience to bless us with a priceless gift. Aaron and I have always been best friends but we truly became soul mates. I didn't know where he began and I ended. I always felt so competent with one and then bam there were two and I needed Aaron. It was such a humbling place but an awesome place. To some degree I do think God has a sense of humor because before we brought Liam home I prayed and prayed that Liam would be like me(specifically one who loves sleep:) Wes is so much like his Daddy SOOO much like his daddy. I wanted a little person like me. I laugh now because Boy God could not have pegged me any better. It actually often makes Aaron and I laugh just how similar liam and I are. Well anyway this journey has been long and Hard and continues to be a challenge. But as I was rocking my littlest man to sleep (just a few weeks ago) I was thinking about all the different people who are just arriving home or who have arrived home in the last year and reflecting on how simple it has seemed for so many. I felt my breath catch as I looked down at Liam and realized I wouldn't want to do it any differently if it meant not having Liam. I want to go through his screaming/screeching/anger/aggressive/wreck less/loving/snuggling/funny/singing/blessing all over again because it is with my boy. So to those of you who have traveled a more difficult journey as I sit here a few weeks past 1 year, things are totally different (and totally the same in many ways). In many ways Liam is still the same and we still have the same battles...But I know him. I know him and he is mine. I feel adequate to comfort him. I am balancing both of my children. It is difficult when they pick same time, same day to attack but I feel more prepared..WE are here we have been here for awhile(I just felt to intimidated to write the post). We are in the place that I would sit and ponder as I would rock Liam during those first six months home. We are here. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you. But seeing as how my blog very much has become my "journal of this journey," Just thought I would throw it out there. I pray you have a merry and peaceful Christmas. May God bless you and keep you, may he make his face shine upon you and give you His PEACE. Lots of love Bethany

1 year ago tomorrow

Moses William Franklin Rye

'Liam'

Some picks I took in the fall

I thought these desserved their own picture

These are totally out of order but us decorating the tree. Last year he was asleep! First Halloween

First time in the bounce house. You want nothing to do with it:)

Dressed for snow

Playing the guitar with Daddy. You love music and man have you got rythem We think you will be a drummer though:)

First time at the pumpkin patch!

17mo. bye bye babba:(

This was you after winning the beautiful baby contest at the fair. You look says you knew you had it in the bag!

First time in a KC 135

First time in super man pj's. Your look tells it all!

That is right 1 year ago tomorrow I held for the first time my precious 2nd born. We have come so far from that first day. Words can't even describe all of the thoughts and feelings I have about this little boy and our journey together.

There have been some bumps and some really really hard times but these moments are still so priceless to me as they are moments I had with Liam. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Ughh I am having the hardest time gathering my thoughts on what to say: or at least where to start. To I take you all back on the journey and bring you forward to where we are know? Or do I just keep it short and sweet and show you some awesome pictures. Or do I do typical blogger fashion and write the 12 things we have love about our Liam in the 12 months he has been home with us? Hmmm.

I think I will start with the first option, throw in some of the second and maybe round it off with the third. sounds ambitious we shall see....

12 months ago today...(me pretending it's tomorrow:) We were walking the gravel road to Liam. I was so nervous I could throw up. I mean I specifically remember being so nervous I thought I would throw up. Anyways as we walked I was praying. Praying I wouldn't throw up(of course) but also praying for our meeting with him. Praying it would be special and momentous, praying it would be the typical "video scenario" I had seen on some many blogs pre-travel of those who had walked in my shoes. Watching their beautiful videos with the perfect sweet music playing in the back ground etc. I imagine my own video and what it would look like as we scooped up our precious boy. I then prayed that they would hand him to me and that I wouldn't be required out of sea of children to pick him out according to the referral pics I had seen. My last prayer was that he would smell good. I am such a sniffer. Seriously it is a genetic trait I inherited from my Dad. We sniff everything sentimental. I sniff my kids heads, I sniff my husband, I sniff my son's bear (it smell like him and a little bit like drool). So I prayed he would have a good smell.

As they opened the doors to our large 8 couple travel group I remember feeling this sense of urgency. Kind of like the feeling you get on Black Friday when they open the doors at 5a.m. Anyway as we stepped in it was like walking into the secret Garden (after the main character fixed it up of course) or maybe munchkin land after watching the first 20 minutes of the wizard of oz in black and white. It was beautiful happy and cheerful. Within 5 seconds of walking in the door one family was bombarded with their two little ones. 18mo and almost 4. Okay so the 4 year old was excited the 18mo took a little warming up. I still tear up when I remember the sweet 4 year old gripping her new daddy's neck. Ughhh precious! A few seconds one of my "sisters" me her little princess and Liam's future wife. We were snapping pictures right and left each one of us seemingly being caught off guard as our children were being handed to us. Let's just say it was not the slow motion gotcha video I had imagined. As we took pictures Almaz came over to us and said Liam is right over here laying on a blanket in the sun. I was excited and mortified. Would I have to pick him out? What if I didn't pick right. Well as we made our way he was the only little sweet pea laying on the blanket by himself. I swear looking back now he was probably in time out for being so loud (no HH does not do time outs, and they do not do them with the babies esp. I am just being funny). Anyway I scooped him and took a sniff...wheewwh my poor sweet pea was having tummy trouble with the formula switch they had to do because of the formula shortage. His little system did not take the switch well. After we snapped some quick pics we went upstairs so that we could change him(it had leaked out everywhere EVERYWHERE). We brought him up to the changing station and proceeded to change and clean him. We also witnessed the worst diaper rash we have ever seen and of course it made Liam cry... I was so nervous.

We left the babies for a short bit to eat and shop and returned to pick the little ones up. My nightmare came true as it was 7:00 p.m. and the babies were still sleeping (yes late evening nap) We were supposed to go pick them up. Hmmm which one is my baby. I went in room after room and couldn't find him. I finally found one baby laying in the girls nursery wearing a santa suite that looked just like Liam. But I was in the girls nursery. Was this the right baby? A few of my "sisters" who had also met Liam that morning and seen referral photos of Liam (who had by the way managed to find their children with out a problem) came in to help me id him. They thought it was him but we were all baffled by the boy in a girls nursery. Well long story short When Liam arrived at HH they didn't have any boy cribs open so he was put in with the Ladies. He was in there just stayin strong (I do think this has added to his drama later in life:)

Well I am not an instructions kind of person. I usually open a box of something that needs to be assembled and start working on it. Directions are on an as need basis. Never in my life have I ever ever wanted directions or an instruction manual more then I did when we picked Liam up. We went back and changed him (out of the santa suite he was in...to funny) ate some dinner and put him down. He went right to sleep without a peep. We thought wow this was easy. We were exhausted and so we laid down to. The second our heads hit the pillow we were out. Then (15min later) Liam starts scream choking. I kid you not. Right now try it with me, cough and as you cough try and let out a high pitch horrifying scream. Yeah that is what we heard. I burst into tears after grabbing Liam and making sure he was still alive. Aaron's knee jerk reaction was to run across the room. It really scared us. Fortunately We traveled with a couple who happen to be ER nurses (awesome) the wife happens to be one of my "sisters." So I felt a little more comfortable knocking on their door at 11:00. We were told that was probably just Liam clearing his throat. Excuse me? Do you me that was Liam impersonating a dying, suffering animal? That was not a normal cough. Well he coughed like that pretty much our entire trip and we got used to him sounding like each cough was his last (I told you he was dramatic).

We did not sleep well the whole time we were there. During the week Aaron only had tummy issues for about 24 hrs. I had anxious tummy the whole time and by Wed. came down with what would turn out to be a horrible resp. infection. Aside from all that We loved the beautiful and kind people, We loved being immersed in the culture. After Wed. night when we got to go to the Ethiopian restaurant I was ready to stay longer. Our trip home was uneventful except my eardrum burst but that happened on the flight from D.C. to Saint Louis.

Once home our lives with Liam have been nothing short of exciting. Liam is a challenge and a blessing. Sometimes I found when I would read other peoples blogs who would brag of easy transitions and Happy all the time children I would get sad. I felt like I had failed to make our time perfect, I failed to transition him perfectly. Well first of all I would go through everything again if it meant Liam would be mine. I do grieve the easiness people describe in their blogs but at the same time our adjustment has been real. I am an analytical person and even Liam was all smiles all the time I would have analyzed his attachment to be poor or reactive or traumatic. At least I knew that Liam was having a hard time. Not with us but with the adjustment, his poor little 6mo. body had gone through so much. Everything Liam was used to EVERYTHING was no more. From the type of diapers, to formula to clothing, smells, weather, sunshine(gone we came home in winter), bed blankets, care givers, soap bath tub, lighting, heating, toys, noises (no more hearing his friends). Everything. Looking back now I see this. At the time it was really hard not to take it personal.

I have some thoughts on people's naivety towards attachment versus bonding versus traumatic attachment etc. I will not use Liam's one year post to write about it.

Anyways we love love love our family we love our little boys and we are so happy to be on this side of the fence of one of the most exciting journey's of our lives!

12 things we have learned/love about Liam

1. You are extremely happy our extremely sad. You are so dramatic. You could not have been genetically configured to be more like your momma in personality then you are. You are my mini me (in brown:) I love it.

2. You have the most contagious belly laugh and you laugh easily.

3. You throw fits about the funniest things it makes us laugh which often starts a round of giggles from you.

4. Your baby noises/ baby babble is hilarious. some type of noise has to be coming out of your body at all times.

5. You are a smart boy. You are very good at following directions.

6. You are also clever and know how to not follow directions:)

7. The way you say your words with your tongue out...your goofy

8. They way you eat anything and everything all the time.

9. They way you love your big brother. You really love him and he really loves you!

10. You love to sleep. You are an excellent sleeper. Again a boy after Momma's heart.

11. Your cheesy smile you make when you are being naughty. Unfortunately it does usually get you out of trouble.

12. The way we have all learned each other. The way that we fell in love with you. The way that we can't remember life without our Liam. The way you are and always will be our little brown bear.

Liam before the creation of the world you were our son. There is not one day of your life that went by that we weren't thinking and praying for you. You are so loved my sweet pea and we treasure you!