Prayers please

I have an unspoken request...I know I used to think it was so lame when I was in school (Christian private school) and the teacher would take prayer requests and it always seemed people would raise their hand and say they had an unspoken request to just be dramatic and mysterious. Well my unspoken is totally not about the mystery and drama but purely about not wanting to reveal a feared assumption of mine concerning Liam. (Especially since I am notorious for jumping to conclusions and diagnosing my children with everything under the sun....Dang you Web MD). So please pray. Please pray that God gives me wisdom on what to do next. What doctor to call whether it is the pediatric surgeon or one of the 3 pediatricians in town. If you read this tonight please also pray that i sleep, because to be honest it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Thanks guys One tired, Momma Last night after I wrote our post I went in Liam's room and prayed over him. I prayed for complete healing and prayed over Liam that God would erase the spots from his body.

We were thinking Liam could have Neurofibromatosis. We had a pediatrician tell us (when we first brought Liam home) that he had 5 of these spots and that if he had 6 we would need to worry about a very serious genetic mutation of Chromosome 17. I know so informative. Well this would explain his little tumor on his butt that we believe is attached to some sort of nerve and is the reason it causes him so much pain and discomfort. Well this morning we laid Liam down stark naked and counted the spots. I was going to use a washable marker to mark them 1.2.3. etc. but when we looked him over and counted we only got to 3. Plus only one of them was big enough to be the size of concern. We are breathing easier once again but we have been advised and think it is wise to go ahead and mention it to the surgeon just so they know.

Thanks for your prayers. I did sleep last night, pretty fitfully, but I was not gripped by just terrified fear. Imagine our surprise when we laid him down this morning and for the life of us we could not find more than 3 spots. So either the pediatrician was wrong or God performed yet another miracle in our lives and erased some spots;)

Thanks again for your prayers.

Results are in!

First of all I want to apologize for the ackward presentation of my posts. As I read through them I can't edit them anymore. I also type them in one format and they show up in a different format once posted. Okay on to the news. Labs came back clear. X-rays came back clear. Ultra sound shows a mass. It is not a hematoma or something that will resolve itself. It will need to have a biopsy so they can figure out what it is. This is such a huge answer to prayers. His surgeon won't be in the operating room next week so we have a week of peaceful down time:) Our continued prayer is that the biopsy shows the mass is benign, and that Liam's recovery goes well. This is good news for me as I have an appointment for myself that I have waited about 3 weeks for. It is for the swelling in my neck. It is with the ear nose and throat doctor. I honestly don't feel like he will have any insight into what it is from but I am super excited to see him as I have had horrible sinus pain for about a year and it has gotten really bad in the last few months. With everything going on with Liam I really didn't care about my Dr's appointment and would have canceled it in a heart beat. Thanks for all of your prayers. Aaron and I, Liam and Wesley definitely felt every one of them!

Liam's appointment

This was us in Ethiopia. Thought this picture was funny. Look at the super tiny hat I shoved on his head... Needless to say I was a bit concerned when we had barely walked into the waiting room and we had already had 3 melt downs, and at that point I do mean "we." Liam and I are like a game of ping pong. He serve the attitude and I serve it right back:) I know I know kids can sense when something is wrong and I am sure his radar was in full throttle because there was no inbetween for him. He was going straight from quiet and happy to full blood curtling screams. What was evoking such terror? Well I know the first time it was because I wouldn't let him dump everything out of the diaper bag. Second one I said no to having a cracker....crackers that he couldn't even see he just "knew" they existed. Which he was right but I didn't know how long the day was going to be and I wanted to keep my magic tricks as long as possible. Besides the times when he would scream you know for the really horrible stuff like being weighed, the nurse walking in the door, not being allowed to push the stroller into the nurses legs as she is trying to say her last piece, as she is running out the door. Well I decided after all this and already feeling like I needed a nap I decided I needed a new game plan. I dug into my bag of tricks and found a sucker. Oh the saving grace of a sucker. This made for a very peaceful doctor check...the whole reason we were there. When the doctors walked in..wait did I say doctors? Tis true 3 doctors came in...I feel as a parent it just gives you a sinking feeling when they bring in more than one physician. Well Doctor #1 felt it...(the doctor we were there to see). Doctor #2 felt it. THen doctor #3. Doctor #1 as he is feeling the spot and Liam is wiping his stucky sucker all over my arm hair, he says "usually in children when they develope a spot it ends up being benign." My ears catch the word benign...THIS EQUALS HOPE! As he backs away and doctor #2 starts feeling it. While #2 is feeling it, Liam is now rubbing sucker in on my shirt and up my neck. But I am feeling a bit more relaxed. Then Doctor #1 (again the doctor we were there to see...drops the iceberg bomb. Basically he says this could be benign or because of the shape and the effects it's having on his walking and bowels etc. that this could just be the tip of the iceberg. What does that mean...? Well it means that there is actually a problem further inside his little body and this spot we are feeling is actually just the tip of the iceberg. Yeah kinda as horrible as it sounds. So Blessing #1 is that all tests were ordered today..or least all tests he doesn't have to be sedated for. Tomorrow may be a CT scan maybe not. No matter what we will need to biopsy it. The doctor said "I don't know what this is but I do know this is hurting him...it's like having a rock in your butt.." So Blessing #2 all tests that we could do without sedation were done today. This equals 1 ultra sound, 3 x-rays, and blood tests. I am so glad we didn't go back home have to wait longer and do more tests. Blessing #3 I know I talked about Liam having a rough time but all in all He really did do amazing. I seriously could have done without the screaming every time someone touched him. But all in all though he really bounced back pretty quick! I mean for not having a nap all day long, having people constantly poking proding and rubbing a very painful spot, and not getting lunch until almost 2:00 He did awesome! I can't tell you how many times I told him I was proud of him. He really was a trooper. Blessing #4 It was awesome having both of my parents there. My mom is awesome with details and was kind of my back up eyes and ears. If she wasn't mentioning things to mention to the doctors she was making sure Liam wasn't falling off a chair, or bossing other little children near by...or running people over with the stroller. My Dad was the muscle and the energy to keep up with Liam. Liam has this love for his papa. Papa really holds a special place in Liam's heart. He was happy to have Papa carry him around, push him in the stroller etc. Blessing #5 I slept so well last night! NO terrifying dreams or thoughts. Just peaceful sleep. I could feel everyone's prayers for me. Blessing #6 We are on our way to answers! Blessing #7 We love Saint Louis Children's Hospital!! Appearantly it is #4 in the nation! I would love to see what number 1,2,3 are like because Children's was AWESOME! The staff was super friendly, I felt like I had the doctor's 100% attention and he was going to be in that room with me until I had said everything I needed to say. He made me feel like nothing I said or asked was stupid. It was amazing...Even the cafeteria workers were amazing! Oh and the food...Yum! Blessing #8 Wesley did Awesome in Kirksville. He has a fabulous Preschool teacher who watched him after school. Aaron got home before they did and appearantly Wesley had had so much fun that when he saw Daddy was already home and his teacher was leaving he hung his head and burst into tears. I just had to laugh when Aaron told me this only because I am sure it was not quite the welcome he was looking for but it told us (me really) that he had truly had a great day. It's nice when it feels like a couple of my ducks are back in a row. What's next? Well now we wait. We wait for the first set of tests to be reviewed. If the doctor feels based on the tests today that we need a CT scan then we might (I think) have that tomorrow. If the tests today look like it is localized then we move forward with the biopsy. I believe the end result is the biopsy. Then we all keep praying it is benign.

Oh God I cry out to you

Yes this is going to be a super dramatic post. Two weeks ago when we found a lump in Liam's bunny and the doctor said it might be a bruise, I had this really sinking feeling it wasn't. When he told us to watch it and see if it turned into a surface bruise I couldn't do it. I know that doesn't make sense, but honestly I was scared to look back there and not see a bruise. When I changed his diaper I would just feel that side where the lump was to see if it was still hard. Aaron one day told me it was turning into a bruise. I can't explain to you how I felt the weight of a thousand pounds lift. I for the first time looked at it again...not easy with a very active little boy! It didn't look different to me, but I told myself that if Aaron thought it did he must be right. To ease my concern I made just one more appointment. Unfortunately the doctor agreed with me and actually he said it felt worse. We had an appointment made at Children's hospital and although the appointment felt far away (two weeks at the time) I felt better knowing we were doing something. I can't describe to you the feeling I had when I got my baby out of bed the next morning and set his little feet on the ground and he crumpled. He couldn't put weight on that leg. I can honestly say that until two weeks ago I had never seen a 23 month old limp. Liam has his good days and his bad days. On his good days there is a slight limp...he kinda toddles like a baby learning how to walk. On his bad days he curls his little legs up and won't let me put him down. I couldn't take it. I don't want to be over dramatic (well that's me) but I have been really worried that this might be something super serious. If this is something degenerative and he won't get the use of that muscle back then I wanted to be seen sooner. So I called the hospital he is going to and God generously blessed me with an appointment tomorrow morning. Yes in perfect timing to turn in my last final and take my baby in. How am I doing? Honestly not good. To shoot straight I don't normally vocalize (except to Aaron, but he is my best friend;) my concerns because I don't want to feel embarrassed when I am proven wrong and I went down a road I didn't need to go. I like being practical and I like looking objective. With this situation though I pray to God I am proven wrong. I pray so hard that I read this post on friday morning and laugh even at how scared I was. But right now as I sit here I am terrified. I fall asleep at night totally wiped out, then I wake in the middle of the night completely terrified. I can't describe the feeling. It's not the same as worry or fear. Maybe I should say it's not the same as those emotions individually. I mean I wake up totally terrified. Both worry and fear to the complete extreme. I can't even sit here and type this post without crying. I know I am just processing it all and as soon as Aaron gets home with the boys mommy will put on her brave face again. It's just when I am without them that I find myself totally gripped by fear. I know fear is not from God and I know it's wrong. But can I just tell you when it comes to your baby it's a whole different ball game. I pray we go to that appointment tomorrow and the doctor says he has seen it a million times. But my mommy heart just doesn't think that is going to happen. Something about the way Liam is losing his balance and use of that little right leg has me not sure the appointment is not going to be pleasant. I woke up from a very fit full night and called the doctor as soon as my feet hit the floor. I had horrible dreams about the appointment and what the doctor thought it was. I called our local doctor and asked what he thought it was and he said he honestly didn't know. I told him I was worried about going to the appointment tomorrow and being totally caught off guard. He told me he has never seen anything like this in a child. I could tell he didn't know what it was but the impression he gave me was that it's probably not good. I can't do this. Not my baby. Oh God please not my Baby. Please in your infinite holy mercy please hear my heart. Heal his precious little brown bear body. Oh God I would give my life for him. Please God grant me peace as I have to take Liam without Aaron. Please give my Dad the strength while he is with me at the appointment to be there for me. Please God help us to have answers sooner then later. Please take this fear away. Oh God I pray I have sat in a place you have no intentions of taking us. I pray Lord this ignorance I sit in now is the worst place I will have to go. I pray that after Thursday morning at 11:00 we are once again moving on and this becomes a memory. Please God hold my little boy. Hold me. Give me the strength to continue being brave for my babies.Give Aaron peace as he is scared too. Please let us draw closer to you and to each other as we face the unknown together.

When it rains it pours

Not to be all doom and gloom. But April showers bring May flowers right? If your my facebook friend I feel that I come across a lot more "humor only." Here as it is my therapy I can be a little bit more cynical. A lot more cynical. Anyway there is so much rain outside...Well today is sunny but it seems like lately it is super rainy and well I need it to be rainy in order to make an analogy. Seems like in Missouri when it rains it pours, for days. I mean just saturates the ground. But within days we see beautiful products of the rain. So many flowers, the greenest grass. I feel like that has been my life as of lately. I have been working so hard in school that I am so excited to see May come and to have a much earned break. I have set it up that the whole month I want to focus on birthdays and sewing. I have put off sewing knowing that it would be irresponsible of me to do something I consider fun when I should be studying. So I am looking forward to May. Well I was. See I have been super stressed with school(I know I said that already). Then about 3 days before Easter I noticed swelling at the base of my neck and around my collar bone. Then it started getting worse and I started getting achy in my back. Tired and Achy. After many doctor's appointments and having one doctor tell me I just must have a chubby neck. I now await an appointment May 10th with an Ear nose and throat doctor. I have gone through phases where the not knowing is killing me. Yeah I am pretty sure I wrote about that when waiting to know if we passed court. Well back in the waiting game. I don't think I care so much about what is going on as much as I care about just knowing. I want to make plans. Prepare. Do what i need to do. NOt just wait idly. So I thought that threw an interesting twist into my May. Nope that was just the tip of the iceberg. About 2 weeks ago I noticed a hard swollen knot on Liam's left bunny cheek(butt cheek for those of you who don't speak bunny.) I took him to the doctor. He said it was probably a bruise and it would surface in a few days. I wasn't sure what this meant. What was a bruise going to look like on his little brown bunnies. Well A week went by and I thought maybe it would just go away. Until he woke up Wed. morning and spent most of the morning either refusing to walk or limping. Pitiful to see a baby limp. So I got him in to the doctor that morning. Doctor says it looks worse and so now on May 12th we head to Saint Louis Children's hospital so that he can see a pediatric specialist. Funny how all of a sudden nothing else matters to me but making it to May 12th.

Aunt Grace

Just trying to process the day...We found a kitty on Thursday evening. She was hanging out in our backyard. We have a privacy fence so I was pretty impressed that she was back there. Anyway we befriended her. Actually we thought it was a boy and were going to name him Kevin. Well I told Wes I think this is a girl kitty and so he proudly stated her name was Aunt Grace. (for those of you who don't know my little sister's name is Grace.) She has been in Hong Kong for the year and I think Wesley misses her. He kept asking the Kitty how she got from Hong Kong...anyway. Super sweet kitty. I wanted to keep her Aaron wasn't so sure and well I did have some concern how we could fit adjusting to a new kitty into the kinda crazy time we are in. But I figured she found us... We went out of town for the weekend. Aaron said if the kitty "aunt Grace" was still living under our shed in the backyard we would talk about keeping her. Well we got home late Sunday night (like 10:00) I went in the back yard with my flash light... walking around in the dark shining a light under the shed calling "aunt Grace" "aunt Grace." She didn't come out...(it was also raining). Well she was out bright and early this morning. So we put her in a crate and took her to the vet. WE thought before we even try and see if this kitty gets along with Romeo (our beast of a cat). We should have her tested and checked out. Well I was the one at the appointment it turns out Aunt Grace has feline Leukemia. This is a deadly illness for Kitties and super contagious to other cats. Usually cats with it don't live over 1 year old. I had no other options, I actually asked if not begged the vet to tell me another way to handle the situation and she basically said if it were me this is what I would do. So with tears streaming down my face I paid the bill(which sucked) and left. Please pray there was one possibility they were going to check into. There is a lady who has a cat who tested positive with Leukemia. She said they would see if Aunt Grace could live there. I am sad she is a super good little kitty. My heart was broken. When I came home I simply told Wesley Aunt Grace got to go somewhere else. He was sad but I felt it was best not to go into details seeing as how I couldn't articulate it with out crying. All in all it was a sad answer to prayer on whether or not we should keep her. One huge blessing is that Wes was supposed to go with me but as I was walking out the door he disobeyed his daddy and had to stay home. I have never been so thankful for disobedience. God really works all things for our good.

So blessed

Although I am sitting here feeling particularly discouraged, I am amazed by how much God has blessed me. I have two amazing and healthy little boys who always can make me smile. Up until this point Aaron and I have always been very healty. God has blessed Aaron's career. To top things off God has provided an oppurtunity to go back to school. I really take this last one for granted and just assume that a further education is everyone's right. I am so thankful to everyone in my family who is working hard to make this possible. Number one Aaron. So as I feel discouraged and am pretty sure I am just incapable of studying for tests, and although there is some anxiety over what is going on whith my health I sit here amazed at just how blessed I am.