Great are thy mercies they are new every morning

Have you ever been in a situation where you continued to pray for God to move and you felt like he wasn't? So you pray again and again and again for God to move and you feel like He isn't going to? That is how the last 4 months have been for me. Yesterday was the pinnacle. I told Aaron that I just felt like I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't keep trying, I couldn't make it better. I felt helpless and like a failure. I have felt this way numerous times in the past four months and it was during those moments I would pray for God to miraculously make it better. Well yesterday I told Aaron I couldn't understand why God wasn't moving, why he wasn't making it better. I asked him why he had picked me for Liam's mom if it meant that I was just going to fail. My moment of weakness and total brokenness turned into a beautiful picture of my husband reading scripture to me and praying for and with me. Aaron and I pray every night (if we go to bed at the same time) while in bed. It is almost always Aaron that prays. We also pray as a family at meals, and before car rides well you get the picture. This was different. It was first of all spontaneous prayer (which I love) and it was driven by my husbands desire to help me but knowing that he was not sufficient in this moment he turned me to the one he knew could, will and is fixing it. When our beautiful and peaceful moment was over I didn't jump up and say "you fixed it!" I also didn't 'feel' any better or different. But without knowing why I did suggest we all get out of the house and go to the park. We then had the most amazing family night. We flew kites and we topped of the evening pushing our boys on the swings ( all of this was scream free on the part of Liam:). I fell asleep fast last night. I was up with Wesley and Liam coughing but neither of them woke up, which was a blessing and gave me a much better nights sleep then I have had in a while. God blessed me this morning with a fabulous conversation with a new but now very dear friend. To me our conversation was priceless. I got off of the phone feeling affirmed and empowered. I have often wondered if Liam's screams are behavioral, not behavioral in a poor attached traumatized type of way but just a behavior a behavior that he learned and had reinforced the 6mo. he wasn't with us. I still don't know 100% that I am right but my maternal instincts have been leaning in that direction the whole time. I guess my inability to just assume that and move forward was a small fear that it was something medical. I spent the whole weekend and last week sitting back and just evaluating Liam, watching him before after and during the times when he would scream. The more I have watched the more sure I have become that I really feel like part of his issue(if not all) is behavior. At first this scared me more then something medical or even an attachment problem. With something medical we would know what was wrong, attachment stuff well it would be hard but we would know what to do there also. Behavioral well that to me was a different story. Behavioral would involve me (us including Wes) being very very consistent. Something I am finding to be hard with 2 kids. It would also involve us being very intentional and on the ball. I felt very very weary and knowing this was going to take a die hard driven attitude on my part seemed in the moment impossible. Aaron and I were able to talk with a behaviorist today and well lets just say we are starting off our week more encouraged and empowered then we have felt in a long long time. We also got a phone call from Liam's doctor today telling us that Little lee lee's blood came back perfect! All things and I mean all things they tested him for came back neg. Praise God. We are scheduled with the neurologist next week.I used to be in a place where I was praying someone would call and give us answers. After today every time tests prove negative it is one step confirming this this is behavioral and one step closer to us helping Liam. We have already started working with him and in just the few hours we have worked today we are feeling a renewed since of hope! Thanks for all of the prayers. It was a huge blessing and such an answer to my prayer of feeling so alone. God really used so many of you to show me he has been moving in mighty ways these last four months I just haven't been able to see it. Our God is good though and even though I can't see what he is doing right now He did give me the assurance that I am neither alone nor forsaken!

Prayers needed

Well here I am again ready to be transparent with you all. I know my transparency has often seemed so negative over the last few months but I am trying to process what is going on. Liam's screeching has gotten worse. I am so at a loss as to what to do. I am struggling so hard right now becuase i feel like I should be able to fix this. I should be able to figure this out. I can't. I have tried I have tried so hard and everytime it is met with total failure. I don't know if something is physically, mentally, or emotionally wrong with my baby. I don't know how to help him. I have spent the last 4 months in a complete state of confusion. I sit here so broken. So totally broken. Liam now doesn't just screech during the day but as of the last two nights he does it now at night in his sleep. He wakes up screaming and crying and I don't know what to do. I hold him but he seems beyond the place of being comforted. Please pray for me. Please pray for me. Please pray for me as I miss Wesley. I miss having the mental strength and emotional energy to be engaged with him. I miss my sanity. I miss feeling competant as a parent. Most of all I am grieving. Grieving what our adoption story looks like so far and grieving what I had painted it to be. Please pray for us. Please pray for doctors social workers and Us as Liams parents. Please pray for God's mercy and divine intervention that he would interced and give us wisdom. Give us some indication as to whats wrong. Please pray that if there is something that will work to help this please pray it shows some signs sooner then later. Please pray for my relationship with Liam. Pray that our relationship would be an inseperable bond of a mother and baby. Please let him need me.

My truth

2 Corinthians 12:7-10, (The Message) "Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, "My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness." Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

My giggling baby

To think the Dr's thought he didn't have reflux...Seriously this is my little one after 10 days of med...I still look at him and wonder if he didn't get switched in the night. He is totally a different baby (well almost;)

Disclaimer...I do have shorts on...watch the video you'll see what I am talking about. Sheesh it's the middle of the day!

lRehashing, New Progress, Newbie advice, and Acid Reflux

This is a picture of the light at the end of my tunnel. I love this picture and the way the tunnel is dark but there are little lights along the way with the source of great light/hope at the end. This reminds me of my most recent journey at times it seemed really dark, but every now and then my Saviour would give me a little light of encouragement to press on! This light has come so close to going out. Other times it has gotten so bright that I forget I am even in a tunnel. But I don't want to just forget I want to write about it so that I remember where God has brought and so that I am writing to encourage others who struggle in the same way I did. Here is a brief synopsis of said "light."

When we first got home this light was strong! I call this the "honeymoon phase." I was sick and so I blamed all "issues" on my illness and needing to get better for things to go back to normal. As I got better the light actually started to dim a little. Aaron returned to work the holidays were over and I was left alone with two little ones, one of whom I didn't really know and he didn't really know me and he was screeching constantly. Constantly! As I slipped into crazyville the light seemed to go out for a period. This was really rough. I felt like things were never going to get better. Then we thought maybe his screeching was due to an ear infection. Light returns. Antibiotics are over screeching continues, light fades. Then we thought his screeching was due to teething, tooth pokes through, screeching continues, light fades. Then we thought his screeching was due to attachment issues, skin to skin, baby wearing, rocking to sleep, faux nursing, Mommy and baby both miserable, screeching continues, light almost goes out. Anyway this has been the craziest up and down roller coaster of emotions ever! I thought the preadoption process was hard but Oh my word! At least pre adoption emotions were not laced with guilt. Because holy cow when you have this new helpless little person who needs you to meet their needs and they can't tell you what their needs are and you are tired and sick and desperate to fix whatever hurt they have but you fail at every attempt and you find yourself at moments not even liking them you are sick with guilt. At least I was. Then I began to find out everything I was going through can be normal. People really can feel this way. It is normal to need to adjust. That was a huge step in helping my light at the end of the tunnel "stay on." It may have been dim at moments but it was always on! Another comfort or enlightening moment that I have honestly believed since the day we were referred our son is knowing that God designed this little boy to be ours before the creation of the world! Awesome!

So where has the progress come in? Well I know it sounds like I am rehashing the same old stuff for the umpteenth time but honestly it is starting to feel more and more like hindsight. Yeah I finally feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is on and staying on. We have crossed to the other side!

My advise to you newbies (sorry that is not meant as a negative term...)Keep pressing on. I know you have too since you have no other choice, but be comforted that God does not make mistakes. He knew the mistakes you would make as a mom yet in spite of those mistakes he picked you only you to be your little one(s) parent. Beautiful! Your are the best person for the job!

My other advise is don't just settle for "things will always be like this." They won't and they don't have to be. Remember that you have a unique parenting style and personality type that God thought best for your child (that's why he gave him or her to you!) This not to say there isn't room for tons and tons of personal growth but just remember there is something special about you that is perfect for your little one.

My last piece of well thought is "always trust your intuition." If there is something about your child or yourself where you just keeping thinking "something has got to be wrong." Trust it and seek out help. I have had 4 Dr's tell me nothing is wrong with Liam and that it is just a phase he is going through. Then I read from a brilliant woman who just brought her little girl home that her daughter has acid reflux. Then all of the brilliant Mom's posted about websites you can go to to research this condition. They also talked about their own situations and experiences with acid reflux. I read up on it all and proposed the possibility to my Dr. Hmmm....she found Liam had an ear infection and was immediately dismissing everything else and telling me it was his ear that was causing everything. I persistently told her that no we had seen many doctors about the screeching in moments where there were no ear infections or other physical ailments. She half heartedly prescribed the reflux medicine. I could tell she didn't believe me. Well after the first week no difference in mood but huge difference in spitting up. Then on Sat/Sun...we started noticing a huge difference. By today I sit here to tell you He does still screech maybe once or twice but immediately stops. He giggles all the time and is just over all a much much happier baby.

So there is a light just keep going on even if it grows dim just keep going on.

Remember He who began a good work in you will carry it out until completion! That is a promise!

My little dancer

We were told he could dance....I think he may have some genes from the Ethiopian dancers at the restaurant.

I know I have been being pretty transparant lately, and well it is probably coming across as complaint after complaint. I really don't mean to. I just want people to know this is how we are. Life isn't always lilies and bubbles. Sometimes it's hard but it makes you stronger and it heightens your gratitude when things are going well. I love Liam more than life itself. SERIOUSLY! I just know when I first came home I wish I would have had a couple of blogs to read where people were having a difficult time. Not because I wanted them to have a difficult time but because I needed to know that we were normal...Whatever those of you who have been there will totally know what I mean and those of you haven't can judge away.

Needless to say in honor of showing off my "boyfriends" moves I wanted to write 10 things about Liam I love in honor of his 10 month birthday..

1. I love your smile. When you smile it is very genuine and it makes my day.

2. I love your hair! It's so unbelievably soft and so curly and cute.

3. I love the way you smell. I can't describe it but I kinda want to eat you after giving you a good sniff:)

4. I love the way you crawl it's to cute.

5. I love the way you stick your butt out mid crawl. BABY GOT BACK!

6. I love the way you gently touch things with your middle finger. Daddy calls it your delicate finger.

7. I love the way you rest on me when you are sleepy.

8. I love how well you sleep! 12 hours! There is my sleeper (just like your momma!)

9. I love the way you want to give your cool big brother kisses..even if he doesn't always appreciate your love juice(aka slobber).

10. I love you...You are dramatic and passionate and Daddy jokes that you are just like your mom. I am honored as you are amazing!

I LOVE my little rain cloud

Today was one of those days when you feel like you can't do anything right in the eyes of your infant. You know the one that is supposedly looking to you to "fix it.." Although Liam is full of fun and I love him more than life itself he can also be quite a challenge. He is my little drama king. I love it...Most of the time but sometimes it can wear on me. Seriously I joke that he is 10 months going on 2....

Anyways On to my picture explanation. Liam had just flung himself on the floor and was throwing a fit when I scooped him up and started to sing you are my sunshine....you know the one, "you make me happy when skies are grey etc. Well I realized I didn't really feel the song was very fitting in the moment so I instead began to sing "you are my rain cloud my only rain cloud you make me grow so when you throw fits."

I know I should totally be song writer. Seriously though I love my little rain cloud. It's okay that he is my rain cloud. We so often think of rain clouds in a negative light. I know that when I see it is going to rain I feel gloomy or even pout. When I think about it though these feelings are pretty selfishly motivated. I mean, I don't like a rain cloud because why? Because I can't be outside...Because it won't be as warm as I like, Because I don't get the sunshine, Because it is dark....You get the idea. I mean really rain clouds have gotten a bad rap.

After giving this more thought I realized how God uses rain clouds to bring much needed rain to help things grow. Recently we have had a down pour of rain. I mean buckets and buckets. So much the ground is having a hard time absorbing it all. Man when the rain stopped the grass was so green and I mean goodbye yellow winter grass hello spring soft stuff. God has given me my little rain cloud for growth. I have grown so much as a person and we have grown so much as a family. I don't always like growth and sometimes growth can be painful and sometimes the growth opportunities are just pouring out of my little raincloud but we have our weeks of sunshine and it's in those moments I see just how much blessing my little rain cloud has poured out on our family.