Oh God I cry out to you

Yes this is going to be a super dramatic post. Two weeks ago when we found a lump in Liam's bunny and the doctor said it might be a bruise, I had this really sinking feeling it wasn't. When he told us to watch it and see if it turned into a surface bruise I couldn't do it. I know that doesn't make sense, but honestly I was scared to look back there and not see a bruise. When I changed his diaper I would just feel that side where the lump was to see if it was still hard. Aaron one day told me it was turning into a bruise. I can't explain to you how I felt the weight of a thousand pounds lift. I for the first time looked at it again...not easy with a very active little boy! It didn't look different to me, but I told myself that if Aaron thought it did he must be right. To ease my concern I made just one more appointment. Unfortunately the doctor agreed with me and actually he said it felt worse. We had an appointment made at Children's hospital and although the appointment felt far away (two weeks at the time) I felt better knowing we were doing something. I can't describe to you the feeling I had when I got my baby out of bed the next morning and set his little feet on the ground and he crumpled. He couldn't put weight on that leg. I can honestly say that until two weeks ago I had never seen a 23 month old limp. Liam has his good days and his bad days. On his good days there is a slight limp...he kinda toddles like a baby learning how to walk. On his bad days he curls his little legs up and won't let me put him down. I couldn't take it. I don't want to be over dramatic (well that's me) but I have been really worried that this might be something super serious. If this is something degenerative and he won't get the use of that muscle back then I wanted to be seen sooner. So I called the hospital he is going to and God generously blessed me with an appointment tomorrow morning. Yes in perfect timing to turn in my last final and take my baby in. How am I doing? Honestly not good. To shoot straight I don't normally vocalize (except to Aaron, but he is my best friend;) my concerns because I don't want to feel embarrassed when I am proven wrong and I went down a road I didn't need to go. I like being practical and I like looking objective. With this situation though I pray to God I am proven wrong. I pray so hard that I read this post on friday morning and laugh even at how scared I was. But right now as I sit here I am terrified. I fall asleep at night totally wiped out, then I wake in the middle of the night completely terrified. I can't describe the feeling. It's not the same as worry or fear. Maybe I should say it's not the same as those emotions individually. I mean I wake up totally terrified. Both worry and fear to the complete extreme. I can't even sit here and type this post without crying. I know I am just processing it all and as soon as Aaron gets home with the boys mommy will put on her brave face again. It's just when I am without them that I find myself totally gripped by fear. I know fear is not from God and I know it's wrong. But can I just tell you when it comes to your baby it's a whole different ball game. I pray we go to that appointment tomorrow and the doctor says he has seen it a million times. But my mommy heart just doesn't think that is going to happen. Something about the way Liam is losing his balance and use of that little right leg has me not sure the appointment is not going to be pleasant. I woke up from a very fit full night and called the doctor as soon as my feet hit the floor. I had horrible dreams about the appointment and what the doctor thought it was. I called our local doctor and asked what he thought it was and he said he honestly didn't know. I told him I was worried about going to the appointment tomorrow and being totally caught off guard. He told me he has never seen anything like this in a child. I could tell he didn't know what it was but the impression he gave me was that it's probably not good. I can't do this. Not my baby. Oh God please not my Baby. Please in your infinite holy mercy please hear my heart. Heal his precious little brown bear body. Oh God I would give my life for him. Please God grant me peace as I have to take Liam without Aaron. Please give my Dad the strength while he is with me at the appointment to be there for me. Please God help us to have answers sooner then later. Please take this fear away. Oh God I pray I have sat in a place you have no intentions of taking us. I pray Lord this ignorance I sit in now is the worst place I will have to go. I pray that after Thursday morning at 11:00 we are once again moving on and this becomes a memory. Please God hold my little boy. Hold me. Give me the strength to continue being brave for my babies.Give Aaron peace as he is scared too. Please let us draw closer to you and to each other as we face the unknown together.