So there has been something on my mind for weeks well months actually and I have put it into my mind blog...(you know the one where you articulate everything as if blogging but yet it never makes it out of your brain...). I have put off blogging about it because actually I just don't know how people are going to take it. I mean I am genuinely nervous. I know that a large population of my blog readers are fellow adoptive parents. The truth is I have decided to blog about it because if anything I want to be educated on other people's opinions. I am very head strong but I am also very interested in a good discussion and if articulated well enough I may change my perspective....May....well we'll see...
The controversial topic.... Orphans. I really struggle with this word being thrown around by adoptive parents as if it were,hmm a hair color, or maybe a "condition" that the child is cured from. I struggle with this word for a couple of reasons.
1. It is a label. I agree that there are some children who are "orphans" and age out of orphanages or out of the foster system without ever having a family to call their own. I do feel that this word does describe their family status. I believe that scripture calls us to care for the orphan...Again I feel this is used to talk about the child who remains family less. I do not like this label being used for my son or any child who is adopted. I will explain myself in a minute.
2. I struggle with this word because I feel like it puts the child in a neg. position that you as the adoptive parent comes in with the upper hand. You "rescued" a child. Well isn't your child lucky? Yeah that sounds totally snotty so please forgive me. But I have a very hard time with people who see Liam and they say "is he adopted?" I say "yes." They say "where from." I say "Ethiopia." Then here it comes "oh isn't he lucky," He is so blessed." I feel my blood boil. I am just as lucky as he is. I am just as lucky that he is mine as he is lucky that I am his. I am not more of a person because I live here and was able to provide a better life. He is not less of a person or less lucky because he started out life more difficult. That is a true and genuine and very priceless part of his story. NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
3. I also hate it because people throw it around so casually. "Oh he was an orphan." I even read one time that someone wanted to adopt a "full orphan." It still makes me sick. What did the child have to go through in order to be a "full orphan." Besides that it cheapens the need that every child has for a home. Whether a child has no living parents or 2, if they are not with their parents they need a home and a family. They need it just as bad. Whether a child is in foster care or "orphan care" these kids need families and families need these kids. It also boils my blood a little this particular label because I feel like parents are deterred from adopting domestically because there are "orphans" in other countries who need a family more. Excuse me where is this orphan rating chart? I want to know what Liam qualified as....
Well this brings me to my last thought. I can tell you what Liam qualified as. He qualified as a child of God and a child of mine. Before the beginning of time. Yes before the beginning of the human race God predestined Liam to be my son. So although he was born in another country, conceived by a man and woman, we will never know, He was my son. So although we went through an adoption to bring him home we were not "rescuing" an orphan. We weren't doing an act of mercy, we were bringing home our son through the labor pains of adoption.
In our home Liam has never been and will never be considered an orphan. He always had a family. Any family that we have encouraged to adopt it has been with the understanding that they are not doing it to "rescue" children. Or show an act of "mercy." These are children these families are bringing home to hold a place of birth right just as any biological (don't like this label either) holds. God loved us so much as adopted sons and daughters that he was willing to sacrifice his son. Then does he continue to refer to us a orphans? No! He calls us his own.
Okay I got it out. I understand there could be some opinions about this topic and I am all for hearing them. This is such a big part of Liam's story I don't want to just skip over something valuable. Please leave your feedback. Tastefully of course. Of course this time I was smart and if you chose not to be tasteful well I just won't post your comment....Hehehe
11 comments:
This post doesn't seem controversial to me,just common sense. I like the response when someone says "how lucky" your adopted child is, to say "would you consider your child lucky if they lost their biological parents to poverty or disease?" because that's just plain dumb! And someone way smarter than me once said that while God has known before the beginning of time that this child would become yours, it was still the 2nd best plan. The first plan, the perfect one did not involve the pain and loss he experienced. But sin got into this world and screwed up that perfect plan, and God placed an alternative in place called adoption. Still God's plan, and still his blessing. But you can't deny that adoption always comes with pain- someone's pain. Were it not for the sin in this world, adotpion wouldn't need to exist. Just my take on things :)
Never really thought about it...we have adopted through the foster care system as well as from ETH. I totally agree that orphan is not a nice label. I also think however people in our society get caught up in labels- A LOT!!! When people come up to us they say the same thing- awww...they are so fortunate- I respond- NOT AS BLESSED as we are to have the privilege of having them as a part of our family. I do understand what you are saying though.
The whole separation of biological children & adopted children is harsh as well. Like when people say to us....are they all brothers and sisters...we respond- yes...then they say- no I mean are they all related- to which we still respond- yes!
I think it is a lifelong calling to educate others. Christ worked HIS whole ministry- to try to get rid of labels...and yet we are soo persistent even in the church today to label- contemporary, Lutheran, Methodist, Baptist, Catholic, traditional, Spirit filled, casual, the list could go on for miles.
So as for the orphan word...I don't like it either..which is why we as Christians should encourage EVERYONE to do something about it! As far as Liam's status- he is a child of God brought to you because you answered God's Call. A child meant by God to be in your family. Praise God!!! My Life's Dream would be to see everyone fed & everyone have a family....wouldn't that be the greatest ever? That way there wouldn't be that awful label anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!
I totally agree with what you are saying! Some of these same things have been bothering me. I hate it when people see my daughter then ask if I have any kids of my own. I mean seriously didn't I just say she's my daughter!
I'm afraid I am guilty of originally saying we wanted to adopt a full orphan when we first started out. Now to hear it, it sounds so wrong and selfish. It was only because we wanted to be our child's only parents.. I know that is messed up too.. We learn a lot going through adoption.
Now that we have adopted everything I have ever believed or thought about adoption has changed. I know our daughter was meant to be our daughter. And when people say she is lucky, we always say we are the lucky ones. How can losing everything you know and love be considered lucky? People have no idea!
Thanks for sharing!
I wholly respect your feelings. It gets difficult hearing people who may not be as educated about adoption as we are. If someone is going to label their children, I actually prefer biological to "home grown". That is my personal pet peeve. "Home grown" just sounds more wholesome and "better". I don't know, that's my rant though. I try to get around the label thing by stating the person fist. Like when I taught, I would say "a child who has Autism", instead of "Autisitc child". It just helps to remember that they are people before anything else. And that's what our children are - people. They are children who happen to be adopted. We adore them and they are our own. I don't mind your venting. :)
I agree-hate the word orphan, also hate that there are sometimes when it has to be used (like in scripture)--I think it wasprobably not a terrible word, but became assoc with classifying "poor, pathetic kids" One of the things I HATE is when people tell me I am "brave" for adopting her-what??? they are parents too-were they 'brave' to give birth?? it is not like I am allowing a wild savage lion to live in my home, it is just a CHILD, for crying out loud. ack, hate it. really really hate that so much.
I do agree with you. The whole orphan thing is really being thrown around a bit lately...my child is my child. she is her birthmoms child. she is a child of GOD. being an orphan is a label. is she adopted? no...that is a noun, she is a child that WAS adopted..truly i just smile thru most of it and try to educate but i swear the next person that asks me if i am a foster mom...is gonna get it :)
my husband and I are in the process of adopting, and although i understand your frustrations and agree with you on pretty much every point- please remember that in many cultures (in particular many african cultures), it is traditional for extended family members to look after children who have lost their parents. For that reason my husband and I decided to only adopt a, as you say, FULL ORPHAN- not for our own security, but rather because we are not here to disrupt culture. In fact in this country it is extremely rare to see foreigners adopt because of this! Our precious little girl, who we are in the process of adopting had NO other family, other than a great grandmother, who was too old and weak to raise her.
Im not saying its a perfect system, there are allways those who fall thru the cracks, and part of our ministry here is to assist widowed grandmothers look after their orphaned grandchildren, so that in our area at least we can catch those falling thru the crack.
But anyhew.. like i said.. I totally agree with you on almost everything.. sometimes the way well-meaning people phrase questions comes out wrong, even though im sure they dont mean it the way it sounds. For example.. the other day someone asked me where we "found" Tendai... I was like.. "found??? its not like she was a lost kitten!!!!"
Blessings on you guys.. just remember there are so many people who dont understand adoption and there are many who are trying to understand.. and both of them will ask questions and make comments that are in no way intended to be mean, hurtful or condecending- they probably think they are encouraging you!
I totally agree with you Bethany and think you're very brave to post what is on your mind. I have seen this word used a lot lately too and it makes my heart hurt for my little girls. People say my children are so lucky without realizing that my husband and I are the lucky ones to be able to raise our sweet girls. Thank you so much for speaking your mind. My family REALLY appreciates it!
Ok, so I guess I don't have deep thoughts :) LOL...I'm very light hearted and choose not to let any of those words or comments bother me...I just enjoy educating people and I realize that 99% of people mean well and don't mean anything bad by it...It takes too much energy to sit around and analyze words and comments...I just go with the flow and rejoice with the Lord that my baby girl has a family!! Maybe I should have grown up in the 60's: Peace, Love, Happiness :) ha Hey, but glad we have some deep thinkers around..that's what makes the world go round, I guess :) take care, kj
Amen, sister. It is unbelievably infuriating to deal with people's off-the-cuff comments about situations they have not been through. Even if you keep repeating the mantra "They mean well, they just don't have any idea what they are talking about. They mean well..." You still want to kick them.
And on that note I'd like to formally apologize for whatever insensitive (read 'stupid') things I have said about Liam. Since I've never been through adoption I guarantee my big mouth has blurted out something that if I had any amount of experience in adoption I would be completely humiliated about. It is such a problem that our mouths can run like cheetahs while our brains tumble along after it like a wounded turtle trying to make sure everything we just said wasn't awful!
I'm right there with ya on the "orphan" word. I hate it too. We live in such a small little area I find myself "educating" a lot, more than I like actually. And it seems that I'm always by myself,(without the hubby to help back me up) when it happens. I smile and politely correct what they've said in a kind way. What I can't stand is the just plain mean hearted, racist remarks I've gotten a couple times. That's when I'm really fuming and could really just kick those stupid people's teeth down their throats, but again, I smile, say something to correct their rude comments and go on about my business. I had a lady to say to me just the other day when I was talking about how fast Natalie has learned to walk and talk but how slow her teeth have been to come in, she said, "yeah, ""they"" are different aren't they". I was flabbergasted!!!! Blown away. I know I stood there for 5 seconds with my mouth wide open with my "I can't believe you just said that" look on my face, then I said, "Well, no, she's not any different than anyone else, she's just really smart", then I just walked away. So I really don't mind to teach when I know it's just a matter of ignorance, but I really hate just plain mean, and WONT ever get used to that.
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