A breath of fresh air and new perspectives

So I took a little "vacation." Well maybe it wasn't little but it was very needed. On Friday morning I packed my things kissed my three boys and drove to Saint Louis where I met my Mom and sisters for a "girls weekend away." Where did we go you might ask? Well Jamaica. Yeah we don't mess around for our girls weekends. No I think the reality is we have to get that far away so that we can't hear what is going on at our houses while the men are home with our children. This trip came at a time when I really needed some new perspectives. Every night for the past 2 weeks I had prayed and prayed that God would give me wisdom on exactly what kind of Mom I needed to be. I wanted him to supernaturally let me "know" Liam as if I had had him from day 1. I mean motherhood is a guessing game but wow when you miss out on time it's hard to jump in the middle. Well anyway I came home with so much peace. Maybe I don't "know" him perfectly but there are a few things that I came home a littler wiser on...Here they are:

My husband: Amazing man of God! Amazing. Aaron is truly the rock and spiritual leader that holds this family together. He loves me so much and makes that very evident in the ways that he treats me. He is such a leader in our home. Not one of those take charge in your face kinda guys but he chooses to lead through service (He is such an example of the way Christ loves the church). He has continued to validate me and love me even through my adjustment periods...He has been so supportive and never once made me feel stupid or silly. He goes out of his way to make sure I am taken care of. He sees how much I sacrifice for his boys and he is right there trying to fill me back up the second he gets home from work. He makes me feel like I have the most important job in the whole world by staying home. He compliments me on my ability to be these boys mom even when he comes home and both boys are mad at me. I love him!

My kids: They are doing okay...(some of you may be thinking duhhh...but seriously you must not know me and know how much I obsessively analyze everything). They are emotionally healthy well rounded kids. They have two parents whom they both trust to care for them. Sure I felt like my boys missed me but when I walked in the door they were both so happy. There was not this melt down of..."ah you left us and now you are back to pick up the pieces."

The interesting thing is that I didn't take my vacation to reflect on this like I had planned. Yes I even brought my journal and everything to try to psycho analyze every detail until I could figure this whole thing out...No God did something so much better for me. He gave me illness. Yes I was sick the whole time we were in Jamaica. When I did feel good enough to walk to food or yes a lounge chair in the sun, my time was not spent analyzing life at home it was spent in peace (or trying to stay alive:) Seriously I had enough on my mind trying to take care of myself, a strange place for me to be actually, those kids always come first. Which in the last 2 months some of the best advice that I have gotten is that in order to be a good mom you have to take care of you too! So I honestly believe that had I been 100% I really might have stressed and obsessed over trying to fix Liam's screaming, trying to balance 2, trying to bond etc. Instead I sipped my water and ate my sudafed and passed out under a beautiful warm sun where the only noise I heard was the soothing sounds of the ocean.

No all of my previous revelations came to me the second that I walked in our front door. No one knew that I was on my way so I was able to catch everyone off guard. Wes was the first to see me and he happily ran to me with a big smile and a "mommy I missed you." Then as I came around the corner there sat daddy and Liam. Liam was getting some veggies and Daddy was smiling ear to ear. Cheesy for me to say but everyone was so peaceful. Liam then started his back arching and screeching but all that came out of me was a giggle. I could tell he wanted to see me. I picked him up and the first thing he did was give me a little 5 second frencher (j/k but you know how baby kisses are). I usually have to work so hard for those kisses. That's when the lightning hit. I got it. He is okay. He knows your his mom, He understands that you will feed him, He loves you, But man he wants space. Ahhh space yes the poor little man wants space. He is like a 2 year old stuck in a 9 month old babies body. He wants to figure it out himself. Yet I was so worried about his screaming being an attachment issue I was afraid something was wrong. No I had good perspective on the first reunion. My little man has what we would like to call a temper. Pure and simple. There is no psycho analyzing it anymore. The funny thing is now that I know that I feel a little sheepish as I realize just how much he is like his mom....