Beating a dead horse And I am officially a Grad student!!!!

Seriously I do not mean to beat a dead horse, although sometimes I do wish there was a dead horse in the back yard for me to beat. Please don't notify PETA I love animals and I don't wish death upon them. I am merely saying if there happened to be a horse who by chance died of say natural causes and it happened to somehow be drug into my backyard where I happen to see it and in the midst of my frustration was able to use it as a punching bag it might be a good outlet. Although after that somewhat graphic explanation I feel a little nauseous. I digress... Please tell me what is normal 18mo behavior? When Wes was 18mo I remember (barely) feeling like I was going to lose my mind because he was unbelievably busy and into EVERYTHING. Example: One afternoon while running through the house like a mad woman trying to clean like crazy(I believe we were having company)I stepped out of Wesley's sight for 1 sec...Okay maybe 30 sec. but seriously under a minute, and when I walked back into the room he had found a tube of sun screen(I don't even know where he got it) and had squeezed it all over our kitchen bench and had slathered it all over the kitchen floor. He seriously did things like this ALL THE TIME! Okay so I remember some issues but I just don't remember all the screaming and crying that Liam does in a 12 hour period (the other 12 he is asleep:). Everything makes my little man cry EVERYTHING. I have been really thankful for our adoption list serve because there have been others who have started opening up about some of their own struggles with their newly entered toddlers. Apparently screaming hitting fit throwing are all totally normal. I also got some good advice as far as how to handle Liam when he is in the middle of his angry tantrum. Well my friends I got to practice this such advice a few short hours of reading it. I had to take Wesley to the Doctor. Here is how the conversation went before we left: W:Mom when are we leaving for the doctor? M: As soon as I get brother up from his nap. W: Aww mom we have to bring him? M: Of course he's your brother and he can't stay home alone. W:But mom he is so loud. M: He is not so loud and he will be fine. FAMOUS LAST WORDS So I put liam in the stroller and Wes, Liam and I walk in. WE get to sit in the well side of the waiting room and I decided we could be there for 2 hours waiting so I let LIam out of the stroller to play with Wes(who of course was begging me to let Liam out so that they could play(he really loves his brother). So I Got Liam out of the stroller and he decides he wants to push his stroller around the waiting room. Totally fine we are the only ones in there. Well to my surprise they call us back in like 10 min. So I grab the hats, gloves, coats, not to mention the pen and 5 pieces of paper and clip board they give you when you first walk in the door, plus I am trying to help Liam who can't see over his stroller push it into the hall, AND I am trying to encourage Wesley to move forward because he has just decided he is shy. Well we get 2 feet into the doorway and the @#$% hit the fan. I don't remember if I touched the stroller or if Wes did or what. None of us had the intent of taking the stroller away from him, but that was his perception and he hit the deck. I mean flung himself back ward bumped the wall losing his balance and landing on his butt which he then flung himself the rest of the way back and through a fit. If I had a mute button he almost looked like he was trying to make a snow angel. Bring the volume back on it was not so serene. I panicked! I mean we were in public and around health officials. I couldn't decide what they thought was worse that he was throwing such a loud horrendous fit, that he was laying on a dirty doctors office floor, or that I proceeded to step over him. Yes you read that right. I stepped over him and kept walking. All I could think of when it happened was someone saying they ignore the tantrum and "step over the child." Well he got up followed us a few steps and threw himself back down. I continued to ignore him (while wes was being weighed in the hallway)(at this point there were 2 doctors and 3 nurses all staring at my hysterical son. When it was time to walk to our room I picked him up (He pinched, hit, scratched smacked me all the way to the room). When we got in the room a sat him in his stroller buckled him in and had it face the wall. He continued to scream our whole appointment. The ironic part was when the nurse asked us why we were in there: I said "He has been complaining of headaches." Seriously the nurse stared at me like "you wonder why." I tried the time out chair at home. Yeah it worked like five times and then on the sixth time he wouldn't let me get him out of the time out chair. Yeah he catches on real quick and once he catches on he is back in control. STRONG WILL??? To top things off he has just decided he doesn't want to eat. All he wants to eat is bread. He doesn't want to eat anything anymore. Everything is a fight. He used to be the best eater in the world(literally). I loved the way he was so excited to eat and enjoyed his food. NOw it is almost as if he has no appetite and when he does eat he begs for crackers and bread and of course milk....Is this normal? I mean I know they acquire a taste for food and what they do or do not like but is this more a battle of the wills like everything else has been or is this a genuine he doesn't like anything anymore? Oh and anymore discipline ideas for when we are say in the middle of the store and he can't have what he wants and he is screaming blood curdling screams. I can't do time out, I don't want to leave my cart and have to start over(besides I think he would like that to much). I have put my hand on his mouth and said shhh shhh Liam use quiet mouth. But even this activity gets raised eyebrows. Come on pour in the advice! Okay now here comes the shocker: I made it into Graduate school. It is 2 evenings a week and goes I think for 2 years. I am really excited and hope it works out with the family schedule.

Holidays

We had a wonderful Christmas...Wesley tore through presents while Liam cried through opening every single one. We eventually learned after about the 2nd present that we should stop forcing him to open his presents. We let Wesley open Liam's presents and Liam got to play with what was inside it was a perfect compromise! This Christmas was so different for me in so many ways. One way in particular was how we are in such a different place emotionally. Another way was my mindset on the day of Christmas itself. After reading the responses to my post on Christmas's and after mulling over the subject (probably too much:) I began to formulate my own ideas as to what the day of Christmas may look like as our boys get older. I heard a sermon shortly after my post about the shepherds having just seen and angel and a star in the distance. They had just received GOOD NEWS! He compared it to the fact that we so often consider evangelizing a burden or a specific phrase we have to say. When really we are sharing the joy of our good news. When you get a job promotion you share with enthusiasm and excitement your good news. Your excitement is contagious. Why should Christmas day be any different? For me Christmas had become about trying to wrap my brain around the great thing that was done of me on this day. Almost a burden I had placed on myself to not be to excited about the material side so that I could focus on what God did for us that day.I like the annalogy that if I had a cure for someone's termanal illness I would run at them with my life saving good news. Well that is what Christmas (and of course Easter) are reminders that we have the cure. We have the good news of eternal life. Well my friends then it dawned on me. What if the material side was part of the Spiritual side on Christmas. Follow me for a second. When you have a birthday there is good news and great joy. There is celebrating for all the people. The gifts, the food, the family gathering can all be a part of the celebration that Christ was born on this day. This probably sounds like a no brainer to most of you. But for me it really transformed my heart. I really had a sense of pure joy and excitement. I don't know Christmas was really real. Hope to share Christmas pics at some point... Need to hop off I have been watching Liam watch himself (filling his pants) in the mirror and then trying to feed his image berry berry kix....

This time last year and Merry Christmas!

So as I get on Blog world and read through peoples adoption blogs and posts I find myself becoming well somewhat Jekyll and Hyde. On one side I find myself being super happy and 'heart warmed' by others and their easy transition, and journey. On the other hand I want to give up. I want to shut down the blogging thing and move on. Why you may ask yourself? Well for starters: I have been super real on my blog and to me super real means the good(sometimes awesome!) the Bad and the down right ugly. So what does this get me? Well lets just say as I peruse(is this a word) other blogs you know the happy go lucky ....Glass half full and if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all...Yeah those blogs I look at them and see tons of responses. Everyone wants a happy story...Especially those who have not brought their little peanuts home. They want to read how the experience is awesome and the babies/kids are perfect. I remember before we brought Liam home if I read anything that was slightly glass half empty I would always shake my head pity the person and say "that won't be us." We know what to expect we have one kiddo already this will be cake. HA HA! What I didn't expect was how unprepared I truly was. I was unprepared to want personal space. I love how on one persons blog (who was shooting straight and I love it!) she said she was caught off guard when the child cried and she felt this sense of "where is this child's mother." It put into words something I really felt. There were so many times when Liam first cried or was super sick that I felt so distant from him because I didn't know how to make it better. I needed someone to tell me how to help him/comfort him. I felt responsible for causing any sadness/discomfort. I was taking him away from everything familiar. It did get better. I guess this has all been on my mind because I can't stop thinking about this time last year. Where we were emotionally, physically, spiritually. Man I/we were in such a different place. So here it is. You can follow all the blogs that are happy and perfect(I pray this is your experience I really really do). But just in case things blindside you like they did me...Just in case you are a little caught off guard I wanted to give you a little Christmas gift....It comes in the form of comfort and peace...and maybe a little story to go with it(you know me and my unbelievably long posts:) There were times when I would rock Liam to sleep and cry. Yes Cry. Cry and beg God that tomorrow would be different. I would pray that we could have just one day ONE DAY without his screaming. One day without me being frustrated, overwhelmed and feeling like a failure. I would often kiss my sleeping boy and lay him in his bed and then literally call out to God to not let Satan have a foot hold, to not leave me alone when I was struggling so hard with inadequacies. To not kick me once again while I was down. I was so lost and felt so alone. Liam and Wesley bring me the greatest joy and the greatest heart ache. My heart hurts as I learn to be a parent and accept my failures. I pray continually that God is sufficient in my weakness. I hold myself to a standard of perfection for those two boys because I love them so much I want to be the Mom I believe they deserve. Thus leading to my post adoption depression. I needed to just be. I needed to just be still and know that God was God. That I was specifically picked to be Liam's mother and Wesley's mother. Out of all the women in the universe God picked me to be their mother. Not just because of my good attributes but also my weaknesses. God knew my weakness and he knew his glory would shine through.(Thank you Lord for the Holy Spirit). Honestly sometimes I would call out to God and ask him where he was. Why this was so hard and such a challenge. In the end I see pieces of how God has moved and worked during that time. One big way is he brought people into my life who were needing encouragement post adoption. I also see how strong he grew Aaron and I. I had to rely on Aaron. I had to trust him and count on him. Aaron knew he I needed him and he did not let me down. I Love my husband so much and I see God was using this experience to bless us with a priceless gift. Aaron and I have always been best friends but we truly became soul mates. I didn't know where he began and I ended. I always felt so competent with one and then bam there were two and I needed Aaron. It was such a humbling place but an awesome place. To some degree I do think God has a sense of humor because before we brought Liam home I prayed and prayed that Liam would be like me(specifically one who loves sleep:) Wes is so much like his Daddy SOOO much like his daddy. I wanted a little person like me. I laugh now because Boy God could not have pegged me any better. It actually often makes Aaron and I laugh just how similar liam and I are. Well anyway this journey has been long and Hard and continues to be a challenge. But as I was rocking my littlest man to sleep (just a few weeks ago) I was thinking about all the different people who are just arriving home or who have arrived home in the last year and reflecting on how simple it has seemed for so many. I felt my breath catch as I looked down at Liam and realized I wouldn't want to do it any differently if it meant not having Liam. I want to go through his screaming/screeching/anger/aggressive/wreck less/loving/snuggling/funny/singing/blessing all over again because it is with my boy. So to those of you who have traveled a more difficult journey as I sit here a few weeks past 1 year, things are totally different (and totally the same in many ways). In many ways Liam is still the same and we still have the same battles...But I know him. I know him and he is mine. I feel adequate to comfort him. I am balancing both of my children. It is difficult when they pick same time, same day to attack but I feel more prepared..WE are here we have been here for awhile(I just felt to intimidated to write the post). We are in the place that I would sit and ponder as I would rock Liam during those first six months home. We are here. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you. But seeing as how my blog very much has become my "journal of this journey," Just thought I would throw it out there. I pray you have a merry and peaceful Christmas. May God bless you and keep you, may he make his face shine upon you and give you His PEACE. Lots of love Bethany

1 year ago tomorrow

Moses William Franklin Rye

'Liam'

Some picks I took in the fall

I thought these desserved their own picture

These are totally out of order but us decorating the tree. Last year he was asleep! First Halloween

First time in the bounce house. You want nothing to do with it:)

Dressed for snow

Playing the guitar with Daddy. You love music and man have you got rythem We think you will be a drummer though:)

First time at the pumpkin patch!

17mo. bye bye babba:(

This was you after winning the beautiful baby contest at the fair. You look says you knew you had it in the bag!

First time in a KC 135

First time in super man pj's. Your look tells it all!

That is right 1 year ago tomorrow I held for the first time my precious 2nd born. We have come so far from that first day. Words can't even describe all of the thoughts and feelings I have about this little boy and our journey together.

There have been some bumps and some really really hard times but these moments are still so priceless to me as they are moments I had with Liam. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Ughh I am having the hardest time gathering my thoughts on what to say: or at least where to start. To I take you all back on the journey and bring you forward to where we are know? Or do I just keep it short and sweet and show you some awesome pictures. Or do I do typical blogger fashion and write the 12 things we have love about our Liam in the 12 months he has been home with us? Hmmm.

I think I will start with the first option, throw in some of the second and maybe round it off with the third. sounds ambitious we shall see....

12 months ago today...(me pretending it's tomorrow:) We were walking the gravel road to Liam. I was so nervous I could throw up. I mean I specifically remember being so nervous I thought I would throw up. Anyways as we walked I was praying. Praying I wouldn't throw up(of course) but also praying for our meeting with him. Praying it would be special and momentous, praying it would be the typical "video scenario" I had seen on some many blogs pre-travel of those who had walked in my shoes. Watching their beautiful videos with the perfect sweet music playing in the back ground etc. I imagine my own video and what it would look like as we scooped up our precious boy. I then prayed that they would hand him to me and that I wouldn't be required out of sea of children to pick him out according to the referral pics I had seen. My last prayer was that he would smell good. I am such a sniffer. Seriously it is a genetic trait I inherited from my Dad. We sniff everything sentimental. I sniff my kids heads, I sniff my husband, I sniff my son's bear (it smell like him and a little bit like drool). So I prayed he would have a good smell.

As they opened the doors to our large 8 couple travel group I remember feeling this sense of urgency. Kind of like the feeling you get on Black Friday when they open the doors at 5a.m. Anyway as we stepped in it was like walking into the secret Garden (after the main character fixed it up of course) or maybe munchkin land after watching the first 20 minutes of the wizard of oz in black and white. It was beautiful happy and cheerful. Within 5 seconds of walking in the door one family was bombarded with their two little ones. 18mo and almost 4. Okay so the 4 year old was excited the 18mo took a little warming up. I still tear up when I remember the sweet 4 year old gripping her new daddy's neck. Ughhh precious! A few seconds one of my "sisters" me her little princess and Liam's future wife. We were snapping pictures right and left each one of us seemingly being caught off guard as our children were being handed to us. Let's just say it was not the slow motion gotcha video I had imagined. As we took pictures Almaz came over to us and said Liam is right over here laying on a blanket in the sun. I was excited and mortified. Would I have to pick him out? What if I didn't pick right. Well as we made our way he was the only little sweet pea laying on the blanket by himself. I swear looking back now he was probably in time out for being so loud (no HH does not do time outs, and they do not do them with the babies esp. I am just being funny). Anyway I scooped him and took a sniff...wheewwh my poor sweet pea was having tummy trouble with the formula switch they had to do because of the formula shortage. His little system did not take the switch well. After we snapped some quick pics we went upstairs so that we could change him(it had leaked out everywhere EVERYWHERE). We brought him up to the changing station and proceeded to change and clean him. We also witnessed the worst diaper rash we have ever seen and of course it made Liam cry... I was so nervous.

We left the babies for a short bit to eat and shop and returned to pick the little ones up. My nightmare came true as it was 7:00 p.m. and the babies were still sleeping (yes late evening nap) We were supposed to go pick them up. Hmmm which one is my baby. I went in room after room and couldn't find him. I finally found one baby laying in the girls nursery wearing a santa suite that looked just like Liam. But I was in the girls nursery. Was this the right baby? A few of my "sisters" who had also met Liam that morning and seen referral photos of Liam (who had by the way managed to find their children with out a problem) came in to help me id him. They thought it was him but we were all baffled by the boy in a girls nursery. Well long story short When Liam arrived at HH they didn't have any boy cribs open so he was put in with the Ladies. He was in there just stayin strong (I do think this has added to his drama later in life:)

Well I am not an instructions kind of person. I usually open a box of something that needs to be assembled and start working on it. Directions are on an as need basis. Never in my life have I ever ever wanted directions or an instruction manual more then I did when we picked Liam up. We went back and changed him (out of the santa suite he was in...to funny) ate some dinner and put him down. He went right to sleep without a peep. We thought wow this was easy. We were exhausted and so we laid down to. The second our heads hit the pillow we were out. Then (15min later) Liam starts scream choking. I kid you not. Right now try it with me, cough and as you cough try and let out a high pitch horrifying scream. Yeah that is what we heard. I burst into tears after grabbing Liam and making sure he was still alive. Aaron's knee jerk reaction was to run across the room. It really scared us. Fortunately We traveled with a couple who happen to be ER nurses (awesome) the wife happens to be one of my "sisters." So I felt a little more comfortable knocking on their door at 11:00. We were told that was probably just Liam clearing his throat. Excuse me? Do you me that was Liam impersonating a dying, suffering animal? That was not a normal cough. Well he coughed like that pretty much our entire trip and we got used to him sounding like each cough was his last (I told you he was dramatic).

We did not sleep well the whole time we were there. During the week Aaron only had tummy issues for about 24 hrs. I had anxious tummy the whole time and by Wed. came down with what would turn out to be a horrible resp. infection. Aside from all that We loved the beautiful and kind people, We loved being immersed in the culture. After Wed. night when we got to go to the Ethiopian restaurant I was ready to stay longer. Our trip home was uneventful except my eardrum burst but that happened on the flight from D.C. to Saint Louis.

Once home our lives with Liam have been nothing short of exciting. Liam is a challenge and a blessing. Sometimes I found when I would read other peoples blogs who would brag of easy transitions and Happy all the time children I would get sad. I felt like I had failed to make our time perfect, I failed to transition him perfectly. Well first of all I would go through everything again if it meant Liam would be mine. I do grieve the easiness people describe in their blogs but at the same time our adjustment has been real. I am an analytical person and even Liam was all smiles all the time I would have analyzed his attachment to be poor or reactive or traumatic. At least I knew that Liam was having a hard time. Not with us but with the adjustment, his poor little 6mo. body had gone through so much. Everything Liam was used to EVERYTHING was no more. From the type of diapers, to formula to clothing, smells, weather, sunshine(gone we came home in winter), bed blankets, care givers, soap bath tub, lighting, heating, toys, noises (no more hearing his friends). Everything. Looking back now I see this. At the time it was really hard not to take it personal.

I have some thoughts on people's naivety towards attachment versus bonding versus traumatic attachment etc. I will not use Liam's one year post to write about it.

Anyways we love love love our family we love our little boys and we are so happy to be on this side of the fence of one of the most exciting journey's of our lives!

12 things we have learned/love about Liam

1. You are extremely happy our extremely sad. You are so dramatic. You could not have been genetically configured to be more like your momma in personality then you are. You are my mini me (in brown:) I love it.

2. You have the most contagious belly laugh and you laugh easily.

3. You throw fits about the funniest things it makes us laugh which often starts a round of giggles from you.

4. Your baby noises/ baby babble is hilarious. some type of noise has to be coming out of your body at all times.

5. You are a smart boy. You are very good at following directions.

6. You are also clever and know how to not follow directions:)

7. The way you say your words with your tongue out...your goofy

8. They way you eat anything and everything all the time.

9. They way you love your big brother. You really love him and he really loves you!

10. You love to sleep. You are an excellent sleeper. Again a boy after Momma's heart.

11. Your cheesy smile you make when you are being naughty. Unfortunately it does usually get you out of trouble.

12. The way we have all learned each other. The way that we fell in love with you. The way that we can't remember life without our Liam. The way you are and always will be our little brown bear.

Liam before the creation of the world you were our son. There is not one day of your life that went by that we weren't thinking and praying for you. You are so loved my sweet pea and we treasure you!

Budgets

So I know I have been asking a lot from readers lately. Christmas questions,venting about people using the word orphan, and opinions about schooling may birthday boys...I think I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. It all started when Aaron and I started talking about baby #3. We started talking a lot about bio trying and adoption. We also have been looking at and talking about purchasing a new vehicle(I love our Sienna). Wesley was also getting our attention with his star (or lack of stars) chart. Bringing to our attention the need to wait a little longer for kindergarten. As we have been hitting all of these different cross roads there has been much conversations about choices and how are we going to choose to do things as a family. It sounds silly especially since we have been married for 7 1/2 years and have 2 kids. But I feel like we kind of have always went with what was familier. What our families did in the past and what made up our different cultures. This has always been fine especially since Aaron and I both come from wonderful families and parents who did a great job. As the boys have gotten older we see more and more that we don't fit the mold of our previous cultures and it is time to be creating our own.

What does this mean? well it means figuring out schools, vehicle purchases and even new holiday traditions. It means contemplating what our family can do that brings God the most Glory. It means relying on God to direct us in the path he wants to see us go.

Wow all that to start talking about budgets...It's funny I read back through what I wrote and it actually has nothing to do with what I am about to write about. As a matter of fact I feel like I should erase it except for the fact it would then become time I wasted writing it.

Oh I remember...I am asking a lot from my readers. Well I am going to do it again. I want your budget tips! Whether it is grocery saving ideas or coupon sights to making clothes last or how to make your dog food. I love that recently a family posted a way to make your own laundry soap. Aaron and I are going to totally do this. Once I figure out how to link a sight and I ask their permission I will connect them with this post. Genius! Plus I think they said it ends up costing about .01 per load. YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT! So send me your tips...

I felt really convicted about my spending tonight after watching some documentary on large families. One family had 15 children. The family income...just under....$40,000. Excuse me. If a family of 17 can live on that income then excuse me but Aaron and I should be with some money to save.

Now I am assuming they don't use cel phones..or do they? Any way Aaron and I have committed that once our contract is up in Feb. We are decreasing our plan Way way down. I have such a pet peve when people say they "need" a cell phone. I we are all still alive coming from a generation that didn't have cell phones at all. Not my area of weakness but believe me it is probably my only area of will power.

Internet well I am guessing they have internet and well I feel like with Aaron being a pilot and checking the wheather and filing flight plans it makes his life a whole lot easier. Do we "need" it? no. Is it a luxery we are willing to sacrifice for? Yes.

Satelight: we actually have down sized our satelight from $45 a month to $10. How did we do it? Well we called to cancel our package. When Aaron called to cancel the lady pretty much begged him to continue. He continued to say we were not interested and well when it was all said and done she offered us satelight for $10 a month for a year. He said okay. I don't blame him. Sad thing is we pretty much lost all man channels and I have all awesome channels like HGTV and TLC.

Now on to my part of the budget and the area we blow out of the water everymonth. You know the weakness I was talking about earlier. Grocery shopping, household item buying, gifts, and oh the ever famous...Justification purchases. You know the ones. You're standing on the aisle at Walmart. You have just discovered that they have Little boy Pajamas on clearance $5 instead of the regular $9 price. Then you notice that not only are they on sale but low and behold they are adorned with star wars characters and they still have one 4t left. Yes isn't this providential, I mean what are the chances of Walmart having a sale and having a 4t (insert sarcastic sigh). Does Wesley need new pajamas? No. Should the discussion stop there? Yes. He doesn't need them. It should stop there. Unfortunately it doesn't. No no my friends it is just beginning. He may not need them but he would LOVE them. Oh and if he had some new ones we could get rid of one of his old pj's. Or we could get these and have another pair because it always seems like he never has any clean. Well really folks the truth is 3 warm pj's is probably all he needs. We own a washer and dryer. Yep we do. It's just right down stairs. All I would have to do is use them. All this to say if I can ask myself does he NEED them and the answer is no the justifications shouldn't matter. Actually I should tell myself that if the justifications start it should be confirmation that I must be trying to justify a purchase that doesn't need to happen.

So anyways back to the point of this post that should not have been written 1 1/2 hours after my bed time. (I apologize for the rambling). I am putting myself on a budget. $650 a month. $300 of that is our food budget and $350 is everything else(Not actual bills). Those are Aaron's jurisdiction. This means in that I have to buy Christmas, household items, clothes, haircuts, shoes, dates, babysitters, misc. gifts, Etc. It seems like enough but I am wondering if it is going to be harder then I thought.

So send me your money saving tips. PLEASE!!!

true meaning of Christmas how to start new traditions?

Grrr! It is that time of year again you know peace, joy happiness, budget issues. Ever since we had Wesley I find myself giving so much thought to the concept of the "true meaning" of Christmas. I didn't mean to put "true Meaning" in quotes as if it wasn't "true" I just used them for emphasis. Sorry for the verbal diarrhea. ANYWAY. I really struggle with what Christmas is becoming and maybe always has been. I remember as a child looking forward to Christmas. It truly is a magical time of year. Even though we didn't believe in (shield your children's eyes...) Santa I still would lay in bed at night wishing more than anything that he really was real and that something truly magical and bigger then my everyday world happened on that one special night. Looking back I realize that what made it truly special for me was that my Dad took off work. For the whole Christmas Holiday through to New Years he was home. To top it off he wasn't just "home" he was present. We would play games, go sledding, work on the family Christmas puzzle, go to the movies, and well just be...together...as a family. But one thing that sticks out in my mind is the disappointment I would feel wash over me on Christmas morning after all of the presents had been opened. I was disappointed because I didn't get what I wanted. I was just disappointed because a day I had built up with so much anticipation was over in just 30 short minutes. Pondering this on top of the "true Meaning of Christmas" has left me contemplating the Irony...the worldly Holiday leaves us with such a feeling of Sadness and emptiness where as the true meaning which gets lost and tossed out with the old wrapping paper, leaves us with lasting hope. Christmas morning is a symbol of hope and hope for better things yet to come. Christmas is the morning where things are just started to get exciting not reaching the excitement peak and plummeting before the breakfast casserole has even been consumed. This is where you come in.... I really want to start some traditions with Wesley and Liam that leaves them truly understanding the hope that begins on Christmas morning with gifts being a side note. (just wishful thinking?) I also want them to get to experience the joy and the magical time of year..Can they have both? I was thinking about us moving gift opening to New years morning, or a few days after Christmas. Another idea I had was to have Liam and Wes get only three gifts, just as the wise men brought Jesus(I know years later but we can pretend Jesus was 3 and it was on Christmas morning right?) I need some ideas...christmas is just around the corner:)

Venting read at your own risk

So there has been something on my mind for weeks well months actually and I have put it into my mind blog...(you know the one where you articulate everything as if blogging but yet it never makes it out of your brain...). I have put off blogging about it because actually I just don't know how people are going to take it. I mean I am genuinely nervous. I know that a large population of my blog readers are fellow adoptive parents. The truth is I have decided to blog about it because if anything I want to be educated on other people's opinions. I am very head strong but I am also very interested in a good discussion and if articulated well enough I may change my perspective....May....well we'll see... The controversial topic.... Orphans. I really struggle with this word being thrown around by adoptive parents as if it were,hmm a hair color, or maybe a "condition" that the child is cured from. I struggle with this word for a couple of reasons. 1. It is a label. I agree that there are some children who are "orphans" and age out of orphanages or out of the foster system without ever having a family to call their own. I do feel that this word does describe their family status. I believe that scripture calls us to care for the orphan...Again I feel this is used to talk about the child who remains family less. I do not like this label being used for my son or any child who is adopted. I will explain myself in a minute. 2. I struggle with this word because I feel like it puts the child in a neg. position that you as the adoptive parent comes in with the upper hand. You "rescued" a child. Well isn't your child lucky? Yeah that sounds totally snotty so please forgive me. But I have a very hard time with people who see Liam and they say "is he adopted?" I say "yes." They say "where from." I say "Ethiopia." Then here it comes "oh isn't he lucky," He is so blessed." I feel my blood boil. I am just as lucky as he is. I am just as lucky that he is mine as he is lucky that I am his. I am not more of a person because I live here and was able to provide a better life. He is not less of a person or less lucky because he started out life more difficult. That is a true and genuine and very priceless part of his story. NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. 3. I also hate it because people throw it around so casually. "Oh he was an orphan." I even read one time that someone wanted to adopt a "full orphan." It still makes me sick. What did the child have to go through in order to be a "full orphan." Besides that it cheapens the need that every child has for a home. Whether a child has no living parents or 2, if they are not with their parents they need a home and a family. They need it just as bad. Whether a child is in foster care or "orphan care" these kids need families and families need these kids. It also boils my blood a little this particular label because I feel like parents are deterred from adopting domestically because there are "orphans" in other countries who need a family more. Excuse me where is this orphan rating chart? I want to know what Liam qualified as.... Well this brings me to my last thought. I can tell you what Liam qualified as. He qualified as a child of God and a child of mine. Before the beginning of time. Yes before the beginning of the human race God predestined Liam to be my son. So although he was born in another country, conceived by a man and woman, we will never know, He was my son. So although we went through an adoption to bring him home we were not "rescuing" an orphan. We weren't doing an act of mercy, we were bringing home our son through the labor pains of adoption. In our home Liam has never been and will never be considered an orphan. He always had a family. Any family that we have encouraged to adopt it has been with the understanding that they are not doing it to "rescue" children. Or show an act of "mercy." These are children these families are bringing home to hold a place of birth right just as any biological (don't like this label either) holds. God loved us so much as adopted sons and daughters that he was willing to sacrifice his son. Then does he continue to refer to us a orphans? No! He calls us his own. Okay I got it out. I understand there could be some opinions about this topic and I am all for hearing them. This is such a big part of Liam's story I don't want to just skip over something valuable. Please leave your feedback. Tastefully of course. Of course this time I was smart and if you chose not to be tasteful well I just won't post your comment....Hehehe