Dedicated to my Mother in law

I am dedicating this post to my Mother in Law. She is an amazing woman of God. My father in law is on a 4 month deployment and she is really missing her man. In the midst of her missing him she is always comforted by scripture and continues to turn her eyes to Christ rather than her lonely circumstances. I hope that even though I am posting something new you will still read the scripture I posted. Right now I am clinging to God's promises. It is literally the only guarantee that I have right now. Believe me I need some guarantees. So I am using this post to update you on the process and where my heart is in the midst of all of this. It was on a Monday almost 3 weeks ago. I had really struggled all that weekend. and I mean really struggled. Like I didn't want to get out of bed struggled. So it was Monday afternoon and I found myself lying face down on the floor in a time of quiet, intimate prayer. (Don't worry Wes was at nap.) I was so broken. I recognize that our wait has been and at that point had been nothing compared to the broad scope of adoption and how long you can actually wait. But waiting is not my gift. I am very much the type that has made a decision and I act on it. Let's paint the living room...I grab a can of paint and paint the living room..Aaron comes home from work in complete shock that his living room is now "Paris Grey," and no longer white. So as you can see it is not that I am impulsive. I think very thoroughly about my decisions but boy once I have decided you better watch out! I digress (I love that word). So I was praying and I want to share how my prayer went. It is very intimate and personal and yes I am writing what I feel like God spoke to me during this prayer. This prayer explains why I feel the way I do now.

"God Please move in a mighty way so that we can pass through courts the first time. Please Lord bring our boy home by Christmas. I can't wait any more. I have fasted, I have consumed my thoughts with my son and traveling."

God: Did you fast because you want this in my timing or did you fast because you want this in your time?

"I really want this in my time...I am to scared to wait for you."

God: If you were 6 mo. pregnant and your doctor came to you and said "we can take the baby out now...but he will have all sorts of problems. Or we can wait until you are term and things will go much more smoothly." What would you pick?

"I would pick to wait."

God: What if I told you that you could be granted this to happen in your time but there would be so many complications for everyone involved, Including Liam and Wesley. But if you wait for my perfect time things will go with my blessing. What would you pick?

"I would pick to wait."

There is more but it gets to intimate and personal. Anyways because of that prayer time I have relinquished every expectation, every thought, hope, desire. I actually feel a little numb. It's like God gave my heart and my mind a shot of Novocaine. It is a good place to be. I fought it at first because I wanted to feel the longing, and agony of missing him, but now I realize that it is to long of a wait to put my heart through all of that for that long. I need to be the mom that God created me to be to the little boy he has in trusted me with first. He needs me. Liam is happy and very well cared for. He doesn't "need" me right now the way that Wesley does. Please don't miss hear me. I want to bring him home and I am excited for that day but I don't want it a moment sooner than God intended.

So there is my heart

Now on to the process. I am sure some of you have already read on other blogs and a few of you I have told over the phone but there is another delay in the process. First there is a back log of families needing to make it through court. So the courts are really really full. Then we found out that people were not making it through courts the first time around. So we were looking at a definite 3-5 months to bring him home. Forget Christmas we were hoping for January. Well we found out on Tuesday that there is a new piece of paperwork that must be included in the stack of documents the court reviews. If you want more details on it all click on the link to Melissa's blog she explains it beautifully. I had to have Christy explain it 3 or 4 times then we finally had to have a faux scenario in order for my non auditory processing brain to get it all. Well I understand it a little better. So basically when the courts open up our file on our court date they will not see that added document we need and we are almost guaranteed we will have to have a rescheduled date at a much later time.

How does this fit into the peace that God has granted my heart? Well my first reaction was to think about and pray for the 2 families that I know of that have waited since June for theirbabies. They didn't pass courts the first time around and are now looking at an even greater delay. My heart hurts for them. Then it hit me that this was going to affect us to. God is doing something. That is all I know. God is doing something. He is over the courts in Ethiopia and he has supernatural power in this whole thing to do whatever according to his will he wants to do. I am choosing to trust that God is doing something to benefit those who love him and that includes all of our babies. He wants the best for them too!

I am praying that God in his timing would bring Liam home. It is still my prayer that whenever our court date is that God would grant us the ability to pass the first time with or without the document. This is my prayer for all of my waiting friends. I just have to keep reminding myself that even when it hurts God is good!

Lots of love and prayers are going out to all of you who received this news...I don't know what it means and I don't know how this will change all of our processes but please remember that I am praying for you. Remember to that one day when our little ones are at home and sitting in our laps this will be one beautiful peace to their amazing story of how they became ours...

"and Mary treasured all these things in her heart." Luke 2

Pressing on

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus!

Philippians 3:13-14

Being still

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Phillippians 4:6-7

I have no other words to describe what is going on right now.

My Wife the Trooper

Aaron here. You know, the silent one that doesn't write anything. I feel the need this morning to give a shout-out to my wife! She's a trooper! She's been dreading the day that she would have to get shots for our travels. That day came...this morning! 4 shots! I'm pretty sure that I would have been dreading that visit also. I whine when I have to get 1! She doesn't hesitate to do something when it comes to her babies though! She is amazing! Not just for what she did today, but for what she does every day, consistently...that's being the perfect wife for me and the absolute best mom for the little guy! I admire her ability to hold tight to her convictions, which means consistency in raising our boy, every day, 24/7, and her ability to graciously love me through my weaknesses every day...pretty much 24/7! I love her! It will be a great day when we get to bring our baby home! I will be excited, but I think she will feel better when her baby is home and she can rest a bit!

Being Tagged

So I feel super special that I have been tagged. I really do. Unfortunately for my sweet friends who tagged me I have no idea how in the world to do it. Seriously I don't know how to get the tag on here or the names to be connected to blogs or anything.... I know it is probably cheating or something and there are many of you out there that I want more than anything to include in this game...but alas you must settle with 7 random things about me, and you will be left to always wonder if you were one of the 7.... 1. One of my feet is almost a half size bigger than the other foot. It isn't noticeable but sometimes my shoes fit different. 2. I am ticklish on my neck. Right side only. I actually sleep with the collar of my shirt pulled off of my shoulder because it bothers/tickles me that much... 3. If I stay up until 11:00 I have to eat another meal. It can be a sandwich or a t.v. dinner or something quick. But I have to (I mean get to) eat almost the same amount that I did at dinner. YUMMY! 4. I just made my first batch of cookies on Tuesday night...They were amazing! The recipe calls for a box of pudding...seriously let me know if you want the recipe. I think I have made it this far without ever baking cookies because Aaron and I really don't have much of a sweet tooth. Wes on the other hand was grown in utero solely off of pancakes and donuts (55 lbs. worth Heck Ya!) So needless to say he has a sweet tooth. Funny thing after we baked them he said "why did you put the cookies in the oven?" That tells you right there it was to long before the child had home made cookies. 5. I love Sour straws! I don't like candy but man I love sour straws (my mouth is salivating right now). 6. I think it is Hilarious when people drool while laughing. You know the people, they get laughing so hard with their mouth open that drool dribbles out. HILARIOUS!!!! 7. I love water...I love the beach, Ocean, the lake, a swimming pool, a bath. I even love a glass of water. I love it love it love it! I seriously think I will be a fish when I grow up! Well sorry everyone that I have no clue how to put names at the bottom...Hopefully enough people are being tagged by everyone else that I don't need to worry about it:)

God's little lovie....

So I don't know how many of you have seen the "lovie" blanket? Is it a blanket is it a bear??? It's a lovie!

I tell you all of this because after much sulking and struggling fri. and yesterday by last night I was beginning to feel focused and encouraged again. It is probably not a good sign that every time I hear something from AGCI I feel discouraged....I think it might be my inability to accept reality. Every time I talk to them I am brought back to how realistically long this is going to take. Well I am quite happy living here in my own world where things may go quicker than they think! I keep thinking of a children's song we used to sing in vacation bible school..."My God is so BIG, so STRONG and SO MIGHTY there is nothing my GOD CANNOT DO!!!!!! Hey I believed it 100% percent when I was a child and I need to remind the "adult"(I use that term loosely) me how true those words are!

What in the world does this have to do with a lovie? Well all of this had sunk in last night. I was feeling humbled by my 48 hours of weakness. I was right back on track with remembering who God is...Remember whose adoption this was in the first place...and today right before e-mailing you this very special message of encouragement when God sent me my lovie (I have to add he sent it in a moment when I LEAST desserved it, but most needed it! NOW that is Grace based parenting!!).

Sorry I forgot before I can tell you what I want to tell you I have to mention that our homestudy agent is in Ethiopia right now. My surprise is that she got to meet our son!!!!

Here is the lovie God sent me in the form of her words about our sweet boy....

"I met him.....he is beautiful. full of smiles, adored by his special mother. has a little cough right now, but still happy and smiling....i have two pics i'll send when i get home:)"

Thanks for your continued prayers...I am still praying and I still have peace that we will see him before Christmas. Yes this will be a miracle...but "there is nothing my GOD CANNOT DO!"

Pure sadness

I don't know who even reads my blog any more...There is no exciting # chasing, no thoughts or anticipation of how to survive until I saw our sweet boys face. No, No things are much different now. I have crossed over into the dark side (Now there is serious drama (LOL). No really things are so much different now. Before my anxiety was over who are baby was. The age the gender the face. Now I have my precious boys face on paper (that I carry around everywhere). Yes this is exciting you might think...So why did I refer to it as the dark side? Well because I carry my son around on a piece of paper. That is all I have. That is actually all I will have for many more months. When we first signed our Application papers, 14 months ago we hesitated because we specifically did not want to have to wait through the unknown for courts. You can ask anyone who knows me how much I did not want to know my son's face and have to wait long to get him. The numbers game was easier for me (full of anxiety of course) but anxiety I can handle. What I experience now is just sadness. I can look at our sweet son's face all I want but it tells me nothing. We know nothing of his personality. He is 4 months I don't know what makes him smile. I don't know how he likes to be held. I don't know where his little tummy is ticklish. I don't know how he smells. I don't know how he feels in my arms. Every holiday that is approaching I see us missing out on it...It is almost worse knowing that it is his "first" holiday seasons. I prayed and fasted yesterday and I know your supposed to do it in secret and I did. No one knew I was doing it. It was my first time (I was a virgin faster...Can I say that?) Well I don't think I did it right. I didn't eat anything for 24 hours. I just drank water. I spent time in prayer during Wesley's nap but other than that I didn't have time to. Plus it was easier being hungry on the move than it was sitting still, listening to the old stomach growling. Well I say I don't think I did it right because all I did was starve myself. I really didn't feel anymore focused on prayer, If anything all I could think about was food, and the only prayers I uttered where "Oh God I am sooo hungry." When I sat down and started to eat dinner I got our update call from AGCI. It was during this call that I found out that so many families are needing to make it through court 35 in AGCI alone. Things are really slowing down. It could be a long time before we make it through... Yes I heard all of this information while still very hungry. I wish I were super awesome and could tell you that it didn't phase me and that I was able to recognize Satan's attempt to discourage me but I didn't. I just felt sad and bitter. I am so discouraged right now. Yes I have only officially waited for him for almost 1 mo. but We have been in this program for 14 months. I had my ups and downs but they were nothing compared to what I am feeling right now. It could be 1 month that I have waited but it feels so long and I knew this part would be hard for me to handle. In the beginning I prayed that God would have mercy on my heart. I prayed that we would not have to wait long to pick him up. 2-3 months is what we thought. I prayed that God would deliver him soon. I just have to trust that God has heard the Cries of my heart. He knows my request and now I just have to wait for the peace of God which transcends my understanding to guard my heart and my mind until the day when we hold our son! I know there are people out there who read my blog and don't post anything...So please please pray for us and the other families who want so badly to go and get our babies. Please Pray that God's hand of mercy and Grace would be over us and this process. Pray that God works quickly and in a mighty way. Thanks