Pure sadness

I don't know who even reads my blog any more...There is no exciting # chasing, no thoughts or anticipation of how to survive until I saw our sweet boys face. No, No things are much different now. I have crossed over into the dark side (Now there is serious drama (LOL). No really things are so much different now. Before my anxiety was over who are baby was. The age the gender the face. Now I have my precious boys face on paper (that I carry around everywhere). Yes this is exciting you might think...So why did I refer to it as the dark side? Well because I carry my son around on a piece of paper. That is all I have. That is actually all I will have for many more months. When we first signed our Application papers, 14 months ago we hesitated because we specifically did not want to have to wait through the unknown for courts. You can ask anyone who knows me how much I did not want to know my son's face and have to wait long to get him. The numbers game was easier for me (full of anxiety of course) but anxiety I can handle. What I experience now is just sadness. I can look at our sweet son's face all I want but it tells me nothing. We know nothing of his personality. He is 4 months I don't know what makes him smile. I don't know how he likes to be held. I don't know where his little tummy is ticklish. I don't know how he smells. I don't know how he feels in my arms. Every holiday that is approaching I see us missing out on it...It is almost worse knowing that it is his "first" holiday seasons. I prayed and fasted yesterday and I know your supposed to do it in secret and I did. No one knew I was doing it. It was my first time (I was a virgin faster...Can I say that?) Well I don't think I did it right. I didn't eat anything for 24 hours. I just drank water. I spent time in prayer during Wesley's nap but other than that I didn't have time to. Plus it was easier being hungry on the move than it was sitting still, listening to the old stomach growling. Well I say I don't think I did it right because all I did was starve myself. I really didn't feel anymore focused on prayer, If anything all I could think about was food, and the only prayers I uttered where "Oh God I am sooo hungry." When I sat down and started to eat dinner I got our update call from AGCI. It was during this call that I found out that so many families are needing to make it through court 35 in AGCI alone. Things are really slowing down. It could be a long time before we make it through... Yes I heard all of this information while still very hungry. I wish I were super awesome and could tell you that it didn't phase me and that I was able to recognize Satan's attempt to discourage me but I didn't. I just felt sad and bitter. I am so discouraged right now. Yes I have only officially waited for him for almost 1 mo. but We have been in this program for 14 months. I had my ups and downs but they were nothing compared to what I am feeling right now. It could be 1 month that I have waited but it feels so long and I knew this part would be hard for me to handle. In the beginning I prayed that God would have mercy on my heart. I prayed that we would not have to wait long to pick him up. 2-3 months is what we thought. I prayed that God would deliver him soon. I just have to trust that God has heard the Cries of my heart. He knows my request and now I just have to wait for the peace of God which transcends my understanding to guard my heart and my mind until the day when we hold our son! I know there are people out there who read my blog and don't post anything...So please please pray for us and the other families who want so badly to go and get our babies. Please Pray that God's hand of mercy and Grace would be over us and this process. Pray that God works quickly and in a mighty way. Thanks