So we have had many many battle of wills going on in my house over the last well year and a half, but especially the last 3 days. It is so hard to remind myself that he just had surgery and may just not feel well. I mean everything is a fight. It's just hard to keep in mind that he just underwent surgery. 2 hours after the surgery the kid was jumping up and down. Running, falling, flipping and flopping. WE thought maybe his bottom was just numb. Well 3 days after surgery it is not looking like that was the case. Actually the whole thing has me a little concerned because ever sense he was taken back for the surgery he has had this reckless abandonment. It's kinda scary. He seems to throw himself very aggressively at whatever he choses. Or even if he didn't chose it but I don't want him to do it. He seems very aggressive and angry. Don't get me wrong he still plays happily and loves to be rocked so he has his moments. I am probably speaking out of the fact that it is only 9:25 and we have already had 4 big altercations (he got up at 7:30). It's exhausting. I feel like I can be super compassionate and creative and constructive blah blah ...I just hit a point where I am done. I just want obedience. I love my boys and they make me laugh and smile all day. They truly bring me my highest highs but they also bring me to my lowest lows. Aaron hasn't flown much in the last 2 weeks. He has been so helpful. I get so tired. I push my body but the simplest things wear me out. Aaron really helps out by entertaining the boys. He even throws in a load of laundry or the dishes every now and then. Today is my first day in two weeks Aaron will be gone all day. I want so badly to have an awesome day just so things feel like they used to. Aaron used to be gone all day and even some evenings. I would say on average we had a routine and things went according to a schedule. There were rough patches throughout the day but for the most part things ran really smooth. I felt pretty in control of the home world. I felt like Aaron really counted on me to keep things running and I felt he thought I did a good job. Now I feel so useless to him. I feel like my whole goal of the day is to be with the kids and maybe do dishes or fold a little laundry. Now, I don't know how to describe it we are really searching for a new normal. Liam takes a lot of work. He takes a lot of patience I don't feel I have and I am worn out with him alone. Good news is whenever people watch Liam for me they always tells me he is really good. I know I would rather him be at his worst for me but sometimes it would be nice to get the easy Liam and someone else can have the rough stuff. One thing he does more then he ever has is repeat himself. Now this isn't naughty by any means it's just super annoying. I try ignoring him but he won't ever stop. If you answer him he continues to repeat himself. The best is when he does it in the car because I just answer him 2 or 3 times and then turn the music up. If he gets distracted he'll stop. Is this normal? The repeating stuff part. I mean he will say it over and over and over and over. It really wears on a person. I am just wondering about stuff because one of the doctors mentioned him needing a neurological evaluation. Why would they say that? I mean I think it sometimes but what mother of a toddler doesn't?
I think I am just struggling a bit right now with feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I am bailing on the kids because all I want to do is sleep. So I push myself to do things with them and I end up sounding like a crotchety old woman who wants to be left alone. I am sure all of these musing are coming from a very stressful couple of weeks. But sometimes it's hard to distinguish. School starts again for me on Tuesday. My May break went by so fast. I bought my books and almost cried at how many there were. Again I have my doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I am trying to wait until then but I can't stop thinking about what the last doctor said (last week). She asked me if I was depressed. I was a little caught of guard. Usually when I am this busy depression is the last thing from my mind. I love being busy and I love being around people. Lately though I have felt to tired to enjoy visiting with company and too tired to enjoy being busy. So it has me thinking. A lot of the symptoms I read to her are signs of depression. She is right, I normally recognize the signs and try for a change. You know alter our routine a bit. This time if she's right I didn't even see it coming.
Well I have a funny story it came out of what started as an issue of insecurity and turned super funny.
Liam: My Daddy flies...
Me(after hearing this 1,000,000 times already); Yes he does
Liam: My Daddy flies...
Me: Yes Liam Daddy is flying very good
Liam: My Daddy flies...
Me(knowing we will do this for the next 7 hours): Yes Liam he does and do you know what mommy does?
Liam...Blank stare
Me(here is where my lame insecurity kicks in)(as I was pretty positive he was thinking... sleep, tell me no, make me nap, make me eat good food,): I said: Yeah Liam Mommy is a rockstar(it was the first thing i thought of that sounded cool).
Me: So mommy is super cool too since I am a rockstar(yeah lame I know, convincing my almost two year old that I am cool because i have a made up occupation).
Wesley(joining the conversation): I am a groupie so you are not as cool as me.
Me: Wesley you don't even know what a groupie is.
Wesley: Yes I do. It is people who follow really really cool people, even cooler then rockstars people. Yeah they follow them around and eat waffles. They are so cool.
People I couldn't argue with him. #1 he is way cooler than me because he is 5 and knows what a groupie is. #2 by the way he described a groupie they actually do sound super cool!
4 comments:
I want to be a groupie!!
BTW this is not Brad. I was just to lazy to log him out and me in!
Oh that story cracked me up! What a smart kid that Westley is! I am just so impressed by Liam's talking too- Ashi wasn't anywhere near putting two words together at that age. The repeating thing, Iyiyi! I hear ya, it's happening ALL THE TIME right now with Ash. I think he just likes the sound of his own voice. Lucky me. Glad his surgery went well, PTL!
I know you didn't write this to make ME feel better, but you did. (As did talking to you - was it just yesterday???)
I actually made myself this bracelet that is bordering on obnoxiously big and clackety (it has a bunch of beads) and am wearing it in the HOPES that it will remind me to speak kindly to my children when I'm feeling impatient(ie. always). There's much more that I need to be doing, but that seemed like a good start. It works a whoppin' 25% of the time, probably. But I promise that during that 25% while I'm praying that gives me grace and love and a proper view of my own many shortcomings that isn't full of guilt or shame but still doesn't excuse them, that I will also pray for you. :) How's that. Forget having a godly prayer warrior praying for you, how about another mother who screws up at least as often as she gets it right?
Oh, and as someone who knows your children and watches them interact with my own beloved children, you are doing a fine job of raising two boys. Even if you can't see that from where you are. :)
I know you don't know me from Adam (or Eve, in this case) but I just wanted to let you know that my Melat (19 mos) repeats everything ad nauseum for hours on end too. "Bottle?" No, no bottle. "Bottle?" NO, NO BOTTLE. "Bottle?" It goes on and on and on. So I totally hear you on that one! Don't know if its an Ethiopia thing or an orphanage thing or what (cuz my bio boys never did it) but man, I hope its a phase that passes quickly!
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